Sociable child with autism being ignored

[NoFun21]

My little boy who has ASC is very friendly , not in your face just curious and friendly. Today we were out and I was so saddened by seeing him asking a little girl who was playing with the Lego in the sand toy department what her cane was and what she was doing and her just ignoring him. I’m sorry but I’ve thought they might be shy of course but this happens all the time she from obviously confident kids. I saw him look bewildered when ignored agsjn later by an older boy When he asked about his scooter. I was brought up to have manners and recognise when Someone was being friendly. Why can’t these kids just be kind? FYI they can obviously hear him, he is not shouting or invading their space. What do you tell your kids about what is the polite response wilhej a child you don’t now tries to make friends?

Speech therapist also recommended trying to buddy my child up with older and younger kids of my friends as they can be a lot more understanding than peers.

To younger kids the dc with Assad can appear grown up and an older child may enjoy ‘helping’ a little boy or girl - this really helped for us and I hadn’t thought of it before salt suggested it

Oh god sorry about Assad mistake I meant ASD or ASC

My children aren't autistic as far as I know, but they are both slightly socially awkward and this has happened to them so many times. It's upsetting but I don't think it's necessarily down to autism. More social confidence, perhaps?

This happens to my DD, she's only one and tries very hard to be kind and friendly to everyone only to be ignored most of the time by kids and adults. Even at soft play places she's often ignored, it's heart breaking to watch but at the same time I guess we all have to learn to be respectful that not everyone will always want to talk to people they don't know. It does worry me though that it's going to hold her back socially though, everytime we go to soft play there's only 1 or 2 kids that want to play with her 🤷‍♀️

Still having no clue how old your son is, but my DD is also autistic and when she was young, wanted to play alone, she wasn't rude as such, but just did her own thing and possibly came across as rude to others.
See, you think your son should be included and isn't because he's autistic, and my daughter wanted to be left alone, because she's autistic.
I think you need to grow a thicker skin, and be able to communicate.

Onceuponatimethen you do get it- it’s the constant rejection of his small but concerted efforts , his lack of friends and his desire for connections which is so painful to see. If you have a an NT kid who occasionally gets ignored by HAS friends or a parent with a Socienle child you hate teaching healthy boundaries to - that’s great but please teach them To be kind. Nothing wrong with being kind.

Sociable child . My son is 5.

That’s great if you have a sociable child you are teaching healthy boundaries to but what is wrong with also teaching them to be kind and teaching them that someone you might reject on first judgement night have so much to offer and be much more interesting than your typical friends.

I think if it keeps happening it will be something to worry about. But to be honest it might have anything to do with him.

DS1 was/is the most sociable outgoing person I have ever met. Anyone approaching him from a young age was drawn into whatever he was doing and he just knows people. It is innate.

DS2 is like me. Quite "standoffish" until he knows you well and what was often perceived as blanking/rudeness was just not knowing what to do next when someone spoke to him at random. I have learned that it is polite/appropriate to respond and engage but I still have to be paying attention and make the decision to each time. It doesn't come naturally. DS2 is the same.

Also. Kids are weird. All of them.

I sense you're upset but I feel you may be being unfair here. These are young kids and it doesn't mean that they're not being taught kindness. They may even have issues of their own.

My DD is the same age as your ds and currently waiting assessment for asd. Many times on the way to and from school, children from her class have waved and said "hi DD name" and my DD will say nothing, not even look up and when the other child has moved on she says to me "that's Jack from my class" etc. Same if we go to shops and the shop workers try to engage with her, she doesn't make eye contact and at best will nod or shake her head in response to a question. I have tried to encourage her to say hello back to anyone who says it to her and she is improving but it goes against her instincts. Equally I've seen her be ignored and left out which can be hurtful, but I try to not make a big deal out of it and distract her/move her on to something else if I'm around to do so.

That’s great if you have a sociable child you are teaching healthy boundaries to but what is wrong with also teaching them to be kind and teaching them that someone you might reject on first judgement night have so much to offer and be much more interesting than your typical friends.

Why are you assuming parents aren't teaching their kids to be kind?

You don't know these kids or their parents, so how do you know they're not being taught this?

Remember as well kids have it endlessly drummed into them that they shouldn't talk to strangers!!

I don't think the 'stranger danger' thing really extends to other children.

But teaching kids to be sociable and polite is a work in progress, so if one child ignores another it doesn't necessarily mean their parents aren't teaching them to be friendly and kind.

The same as if a child doesn't say thank you, it doesn't necessarily mean they're not being taught to use their manners.

Kids are generally very self absorbed, sociable or not. They don't do that social bridging thing for years and even then it is largely on their own terms and only when they are in the mood.

You will make yourself feel very sad if you look at normal child interactions as a personal rejection of your child.

Of course- but some kids are very literal about things.
Some kids are overwhelmed with anxiety.
Some may even be deaf.

The main point is they are not being deliberately vindictive at his efforts to make friends.

Sadly you can’t force other kids to play with him. I don’t force my child to talk to every kid who comes up to him. I tell him not to be rude about it .

I don’t think either side of this are unreasonable. My daughter was cripplingly shy (didn’t talk for her first 2 months of school!!) and would never have talked to another kid. But I get that it’s upsetting and frustrating for you when your little boys friendliness is seemingly unreciprocated

He’s bit rude about it MutedUser he is deflated. No one is forcing anyone.

I distract my DD when I see kids or adults doing this to her. But two things really make my blood boil that will happen; 1. The adult she tries to talk then tries to talk to me and I'm thinking 'Nah bruv you ignored my child!' (Stupid but you know..) 2. If theres an adult with the child my DD tries to talk to, the adult doesn't say hello or ask their child if they'd like to say hello to DD and they stare at my DD like shes an alien. Its just rude imo. If a child speaks to DD I encourage the conversation to happen, not stand there like a lump.

He’s not rude he’s deflated.

OP, I am so sorry to hear this. It must be so hard for you .

Does your son like football at all? I have an NT boy of 9 who is and always has been obsessed with football (and to some extent Lego). He is quite happy and friendly and will kick a ball around with anyone who Is interested. He plays matches twice a week, but he just likes playing with a ball. I saw him being very kind and kicking a ball gently to a smaller boy who might have been SN a few weeks ago. I think he would be friendly and polite in any case, but he would probably not stick around unless a ball was involved.

That’s nice EmmiJay. Why can’t we meet more people like you...

DS2 is very literal. Again, as am I.

He follows instructions to the letter. If you want exceptions you need to tell him because he won't guess.

So a "don't talk to strangers" would mean everyone, regardless of age/circumstances.

My point OP is that everyone has their own shit going on. Even little kids.

It boils down to differences in communication style with a heavy dash of confidence (or lack thereof).

My autistic son was ultra verbal and very social from an early age and I had to explain to him that not everybody communicated through words or enjoyed conversations like he did.

Things will get more complicated as he gets older. Please don't take these miniature rejections to heart. Let them be part of a bigger learning process. Both of you will be hurt less if you learn to shrug off the little stuff.

There are kind kids out there and once you find them, it'll be worth it. My son is in secondary now and, while he struggles here and there, is flying in most areas. His verbosity stands him in good stead, his confidence has been tempered (in a good way) by the real world, and he's still quite social but with a decent understanding of what he wants from a friendship. It's NEVER been smooth sailing with him and it was awful two years ago, but I can discuss orbital mechanics with this child and he gets this shit even an eleven year old - I wouldn't change my journey for anything.

As I tell him constantly: you can't control anyone's actions, you can only control your reactions.

PilatesHippo - he really doesn’t get the rules of football and he’s too easily distracted. He is not rally interested in Lego yet but a group might encourage him. I will
Look into that. To be honest as kind as your son sounds, I just want him to be able to have these 1;1 interactions with children who are joy just humouring him. I know that might not be realistic but I thinks it’s one thing to tell kids they don’t have to talk to anyone but it’s another to teach them
To be closed and not open minded.