To really not understand...

[jamoncrumpets]

How some parents can't seem to work out that their kids are autistic before they start primary school?

I've read at least five threads this week about kids with no diagnosis struggling in mainstream school. Kids that aren't even yet on the ASD diagnosis pathway.

How could your kid get to five and you not notice that they were autistic? Honestly?

To be absolutely clear I am not talking about parents who have noticed differences and have started on the diagnosis pathway - I know myself from experience that it can take up to two years to get a diagnosis.

I'm talking about parents who have not even begun that process.

I'm genuinely baffled by it.

Silly thread.

Sometimes parents just don’t know much about autism.

DS1 is autistic. Neither DH or I had much experience with children until he was born.
Looking back now, there’s aspects of his early development that were pointing towards autism, but at the time, we assumed that these were within normal ranges for baby / toddler development. His nursery key worker assured us that he was developing within normal ranges.

It wasn’t until DS1 was 4, and DS2 turned 2, that we really started to worry. Because then, all of a sudden, DS2 was overtaking DS1 in many aspects of social & behavioural development. And even then, the DC’s nursery was assuring us that there was nothing to worry about. And they see far more young children than DH and I do, so we did wonder if we were worrying about nothing.
It wasn’t until DS1 moved to school that any professional involved with him (his teacher) actually suggested that his development wasn’t normal.

So I can easily believe that parents can miss signs of autism in their pre-schoolers.

What is the point of this thread?! Do you not think parents might already feel a bit shit about not having realised, do they really need you having a go and making them feel worse. I am sure we don't need to tell you all the many reasons why parents might not realise anything is wrong or may suspect something isn't right but not get the right advice / support from medical professionals. Some kids don't go to nursery so don't even get seen by an objective third party before starting school. There are many different forms of autism and the signs and symptoms vary within a huge range. Honestly, why be a dick? What point are you trying to make?!!

Our eldest ds8 was under the care of a paediatrician and it took them at least a couple of years to get a diagnosis. Luckily his school had support in place from the time he started there.

DS is currently being assessed but he doesn’t display any of the ‘typical’ signs. His difficulties only manifest with other children with me, he’s able to interact perfectly. He had a childminder from 1 year onwards and then nursery from 2. Difficulties became apparent when he children begin interacting around 3 years old. Trigger points included loud environments and children unable to direct play for him.
At home you really wouldn’t know there was any issue at all.
You seem really misinformed about diagnosis. My DS even saw a child psychologist at 3 and there was definitely no definitive ‘ah, he’s autistic’ moment

AIBU to really not understand why you didn't put up a poll in your OP, so that you could have got a better idea of how many people think you're asking a twatty goady question?

@BreconBeBuggered

Before he started school my son was a screaming, destructive ball of energy who didn’t sleep, couldn’t be toilet trained And had no fear of hurting himself. I was lead to believe for ages that he was a “boy being a boy”. Even after he went for his 2 year check and the HV (who was lovely) said “I think little beadwork might be on the spectrum but we need another opinion before we make a referral of any kind”. Even after that I had my doubts for a while because well meaning people kept telling me that “there’s nothing wrong with him! He’s just being a boy! They’re all loud/lazy/bad sleepers!”

So yeah I knew there were issues with my son even before he started nursery, it was only because a professional told me she thought there were. If I’d had a lousy HV I’d have probably kidded myself for a lot longer that my boy was a “normal” little boy who was just a bit boisterous/lazy/whatever.

Love ya Brecon

Example 1. My (adopted) cousin (now in his early 20s. Diagnosed with aspergers at 8/9. Prior to that we all assumed his behaviours/issues were down to his horrendous start in life. (He lived with his bio mum until he was 4).

Example 2. My friends DS1 (now 19) was diagnosed as autistic when he was less than 2. Apparently its very unusual to be diagnosed so young. He's non verbal, couldn't manage in mainstream school,so heavily routine and "its what I know" based that he won't drink anything other than mill or water as it's all he had when very young. Refuses to wipe his own bottom, cant shower himself etc etc.
Her DS2 (now 12) is JUST being diagnosed now. My friend originally spoke to the dr as she thought he had anxiety. So despite the fact she has lived with a child with autism for years, she STILL didn't recognise the symptoms.

Example 3. My own DS1 (15). My Auntie said when he was a toddler that he had aspergers as he was "just like . No-one else (including family members who are SEN teachers) agreed. By the time he was in year 3 the differences between him and his peers, which we had always put down to him being late August born, were becoming more and more obvious. School said no way is he Autistic, dr gave us such a complicated form that I couldn't work out how to fill it in. Plus I trusted school and aforementioned family members, why wouldn't I!
Then he went to secondary school who had him assessed for ASD and processing disorder in year 7. Apparently he was 'borderline' but not enough for a diagnosis.
He changed schools in year 10. They have just this last month or so decided to assess him again as they 'think' he might be autistic.

OP your either a goody fucker or an ignorant one!

OP, your ignorance is staggering.

Just to add... thanks for making me feel even more shit than I usually do. Apologies that I'm not as perfect as you and didn't 'know' he was (possibly) autistic sooner!

DS3 was diagnosed at the end of year 3.

From birth to four all my concerns & his preschools were dismissed as prematurity. A consultant told us he made good eye contact and was too chatty to be autistic.

From reception to end of year 2, we were uncovering vision and eye problems, which we were told might account for him being a bit different.
We have two older boys - at home he was not significantly more difficult than either of them. Ds3 is happy as Larry at home and around us - it was the pinch point of school where he struggled to cope and they, for some time, seemed keen to seek other explanations.

ahhh that’s where we all went wrong we didn’t know aboutl the Mchat diagnostic tool! I thought this was the most common.

Thanks for clearing things up. Mind you looking at that it seems my dog might have autism. At Least he’s only 3, so thanks to you I can now help him.

Wish I’d had your knowledge through the HELL as a whole family we got put through as soon as my son started school. He was 9 when he got his diagnosis. Constant questioning about our parenting methods. Didn’t believe us when we said he wasn’t like it at home. But as Ginger said early on YOU ADAPT!

Another pp also pointed out the very real saying ‘ once you’ve met 1 person with autism, you’ve met 1.

Are you just trying to be a goady fucker?

I don't know, surely it depends how they present? I know it's not quite the same but a friend we see a lot has a little girl who's always been a bit unusual. But she does well at school so it's always explained away as just being shy, but I'm pretty sure she's could be diagnosed with Aspergers.
She has sensory issues (can't bear her hair tied back, funny about the feel of clothes, can't cope with loud noises). Is funny about food. Has obsessive interests, often about things not typically girly (dinosuars, football). Social issues like intense friendships, prefers small groups or one on one, closest friend is a boy. Acts like she is very shy, to the extent almost of selective mutism, but not in other situations.
She's an only child and her mum has always worked full time. She doesn't really appear on anyone's radar. Does well at school. Has a huge vocabulary for instance.
But I think things will get harder and more obvious as she gets older, especially socially. Maybe her mum wonders, but I get the impression she just thinks she's a bit shy and the rest gets explained away.

And I'm not an expert, so of course maybe I'm talking out of my arse...but I can see how you might not really know until later (this girl is 8).

I'm well aware of autism. However, despite communications with the SENCOs at both my son's primary and secondary schools (who said he wasn't a clear cut case), his official diagnosis didn't come in until he was 16. My son was very good at masking and until year 9/10 it was not apparent.

Do I feel guilty that I didn't push the diagnosis more when he was younger? Yes I do. But in all honesty, it's not always clear cut. Autism is a vast spectrum.

I am so tempted to tell the op to fuck off
But I suspect that's what they want and would get me deleted
I can't even be fucking arsed to explain anything to someone who come across as something of an utter cunt
Of course I be utterly misjudging this pile of goady bollocks

No good can come of this thread. It's goady and can upset people unnecessarily.

@jamoncrumpets you're usually a measured poster, I'm thinking your OP reflects a need to vent. I hope you're ok.

I thought he had sensory processing disorder and was a bit late growing out of tantrums. I thought this because when i sought help i was told 'just a phase, use a marble jar!' I also didnt think of asd on account of him being verbal, having good eye contact, doing shared attention, doing imaginative play and not being routine obsessed. I didnt know that some autistic children have a pda profile which is more sociable and the need for routine is replaced with a need for control. I also didnt know boys masked too - just thought it was girls. And basically the autism showed more the older he got.

I’ve met parents in their 30s who didn’t realise they themselves had autism until their child was investigated for diagnosis during primary school. For them their child was very similar to how they were as a child, joe would they know that’s not NT?

You seem to be very rigid in your thinking, and lack understanding of others' points of view.

I'm autistic myself - dc1+2 were normal to me. It was only when dc3 came along and I went to the GP because I was worried about her development and it all unravelled and I am now diagnosed, the dcs on the pathway to diagnosis at 11 and 9. It depends what you see as normal behaviour

OP, I'm not really sure what your motives are for posting this. But you come across as judgemental and rather arrogant.

Without repeating the what others have said about the reasons why it is difficult to 'diagnose' autism, you might want to research 'camouflaging' in people with autism

kids.frontiersin.org/article/10.3389/frym.2019.00129