To think my DP has a drink problem? He doesn't think so

[Pirandello24]

I genuinely can't see the wood for the trees with this one. My DP is perfectly able to have a drink or two with dinner, family events etc. However when he goes out with friends it's like he completely loses control. Last night he went out for "a few drinks" with a group of friends he hasn't seen for a while. It's mid week, we have two young non-sleeping DCs who we take it in turns to do nights/ mornings with- we agreed I'd do the night wakings if he got up with them at 6.30 to give me a bit of a lie in. I expected (or hoped really) that he'd come home after the pub has shut, quite tipsy, and pass out in bed til the morning.

Except at 1am I was woken up by a retching noise in my ear. DP was throwing up in bed, so drunk that he couldn't even turn his head to the side. He was choking on his sick whilst continuing to throw up. It was like something out of a medical drama tbh. I jumped out of bed, tried to push him on his side into the recovery position, petrified he was going to choke to death. He was so drunk I couldn't move him though, so had to sit there while he finishing puking and choking and crying "help me". Once he'd finished he passed out in his sick and I went to sleep in the spare room. Or more accurately, lie there crying and wondering what the fuck to do.

This isn't a one off. I've started to dread his nights out now as I know he'll say he's going out for a drink and end up rolling home God knows when. He's ruined weekend plans, been mugged on the train because he passed out. He's often in a foul mood the next day, and it really impacts badly on his anxiety. The hardest thing is that if I try to talk to him about it and say that this is not ok, he looks at me like I'm crazy, says he's doesn't have a problem. He'll never apologise unless I ask him too, and even then it's so grudging and almost contemptuous. I don't know what to do. Is it me? Should I be more understanding? I just don't want the kids to grow up with this.

Did he not say anything when you told him he nearly choked to death last night? He's an alcoholic, he might not be dependant on alcohol but he does drink in a way which is harmful. OP, you could be on a long road with this, it doesn't seem like he wants to change and living with someone like this will be torturous for you.

It's not uncommon to drink too much on occasion but this does sound excessive, even if it's not happening every weekend. Usually as you get older you learn your limits but it sounds like he's not in tune (or ignoring?) his if he's getting that drunk. I'd be worried too. Not much advice other than to speak to him - leave it for when he's not hanging though. If he can't drink sensibly then I think he needs to consider knocking drinking on the head altogether. What if you'd not been there to help him? People die from choking on their own vomit.

YANBU, I could forgive someone occasionally having a few drinks too many but if he's doing this regularly and can't/won't stop he's got a problem.

I would tell him next time he goes out to stay at a mates house and not to come back home. Tell him you're absolutely sick of having to deal with it. Do any of his friends get in such states? He may drink more responsibly if he knows he's not going home?

My dh had a problem with alcohol. He could go without a drink for weeks if necessary (his work is ‘dry’ so if he was on call, he couldn’t have a drink), but other times he would drink far too much, and was drinking in secret. He had to hit rock bottom before he could admit to himself that he had a problem - and for him, that meant passing out on the utility room floor, after sneaking off to drink in secret. He went to AA the next day, and has not drunk a drop of alcohol since - and that was more than 10 years ago.

So it is possible for people like this to change - but they have to get to the point where they see there is a problem and want to do something about it - and even then, it can be a two steps forward, one step back thing.

Horrible as it sounds, maybe nearly choking in his sleep and waking up in his own vomit may be rock bottom for your dh, @Pirandello24. For you and the dc, and for him, I hope so.

Does he not realise you actually saved his life ffs?

This has to stop. He either stays elsewhere (he will vomit there once and will be told he’s not staying there again at which point he will demand to stay at your/his home and who are you to tell him not to stay in the house he pays for blah blah bullshit) or he’ll choke there and die.

Or you tell him that it’s not happening any more and kick him out.

I’ve lived with an alcoholic and a binge drinker. Members of my family have died due to alcohol. I see what’s left of one of them on a daily basis. It’s not pretty.

You cannot change him. He has to want to change. Which he probably won’t.

Tough choice OP. I hope there is a local support group who can help you and hopefully him too. If he’s not happy and that’s why he drinks he needs to change things. If he’s just an arse he needs to grow the fuck up.

My DH has never been sick in the bed (ugh, good grief!) but he frequently does throw up in the toilet (and once, memorably, after a party, in a hedge) after a good night out. I've seen how much he drinks though, it only takes having more than four pints. He's just a lightweight.

You did the right thing sending him the photos. Definitely.

I don't think it matters whether or not he meets the technical definition of being an alcoholic. What matters is whether his drinking has a negative impact on his and his family and it clearly does. So by definition he has a drinking problem.

My ex husband used to argue that he wasn't an alcoholic because he held down his job without calling in sick from drink-related mishaps, never stayed out all night and didn't have to drink in the mornings.

All that was true on paper but his drinking was a problem for me and after years of trying to accommodate it in my head I finally admitted to myself that it was a problem. I could never get it through to him that if your drinking causes a problem for your significant other then by definition it is a problem.

You may know the three cs of alcoholism: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. As someone who has an alcoholic father and had an alcoholic husband I can't stress this enough. You need, for your own self-protection and that of your children, to disengage yourself and remove the problem from your life. It will never be something you can work with or accomodate and it will drive you to despair trying to do it.

If he admits he has a problem and is committed to dealing with it you may be able to find a way forward (even then its going to be difficult). If not, you have no choice, for yours and your children's health and happiness, but to leave.

This may sound harsh and I do sympathise, but the quicker you make peace with this, the better, for everyone's sake.

I'm a recovering alcoholic with 25 years of sobriety. One characteristic alcoholics share is the lack of an "off switch" that tells us when we've hit our limit and need to stop. Your DH clearly shares that problem.

Like most diseases, alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse over time. So you can expect these episodes to become more frequent.

It is possible to stop drinking, many people do it. But you need help - medical, peer support, etc. There's a saying in AA, "You alone must do it but you cannot do it alone.".

I second al-anon for you and AA for him. He should probably have a frank discussion with his GP too. There are medications that can make stopping easier.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a shitty disease for everyone involved.

How long has this been going on?

Al Anon might be useful for you - for families of people whose drinking is causing problems. They so: you didn’t cause this. You can’t control or cure it.

All you can do is decide on “boundaries” for yourself and your DC.

Does he not realise you actually saved his life

I think this is the key here. He really could have died.

It doesn’t really matter what you call it. Fact is that had you not intervened last night he’d be lying in a mortuary today. He needs that fact nailed firmly in his head.

If he won’t accept this is a very big problem for you then he needs a period of reflection elsewhere until he can see it.

I’m really sorry, it must be awful for you but you can’t let this one slide. Just imagine the trauma on your DC if they’d found him? I’m not saying these things to upset you but to drive home to him the harsh reality of what he so narrowly avoided last night.

Alcohol is affecting family life and literally putting his own life at risk.

Cold light of day. Say this ^ to him. Will he change or will he leave because those are the choices. But you have to mean that.

If his drinking gets in the way of family life, He has a problem.
AA is part of a 12 steps to recovery program . Step 1 is admitting you have a problem.
This illustrates that denial is very often part of the problem.
There is a group called Al Anon for people whose loved ones have drink problems, they might have some ideas for you.

I like a drink and certainly in my younger days I've had my fair share of drinking to excess. And yes, I've in the past vomited from alcohol. But.... I have never ever been so drunk that I vomited all over myself in my own bed then slept in it. Never. Not once. Not even as a crazy student!

Honestly, anyone who drinks this much often enough that this happens more than once has a huge problem. Especially a grown man. For one thing, most of the people I know with children, who are in their 30s and above make a conscious choice NOT to drink to excess at this level because it's simply not worth it - the hangover, the lack of control, the inability to be alert if needed for the children or be able to parent the children the following day.

I'm sorry for you but your husband has a massive problem and he really really needs to admit that before there's any chance of you and him maintaining a happy long term marriage.

Never mind anything else, the fear every time he goes out that he might come back in this state is totally unacceptable.

My husband had a terrible relationship with alcohol which stems from his mother being an alcoholic and an abusive childhood (which I don’t really get as I would presume that would make you want to drink less after seeing the impact but I won’t profess to understand) whereas I barely drink and couldn’t care less if I never had a drink again, in fact I really hate the impact it has on our society.
Anyway he’s always tried to keep a lid on it and I’ve helped him here and there along the way (and he’s never done anything like this and is generally quite a friendly drunk) but it is the off switch he’s always struggled with. And he has always recognised that he drinks to blot out the past which isn’t healthy. When there was just two of us it was fine.
Once we decided to start trying for a child he really wanted to resolve this once and for all, as I was clear I didn’t want him rolling around drunk in front of the baby, and he didn’t want his baby to go through what he went through.
He went to see a hypnotist to drag out repressed memories, had help to learn how to deal with them, and went to see the GP for medication to help with anxiety.
It’s made a huge difference to him and how he feels and how he deals with his feelings.
And he’s really confident and happy that his little boy is growing up in a safe environment.
He’s had a few ‘tests’ with his friends and he’s been fine. He’s talked to them about it too and they’ve been great, which is what i’d expect from a group of adult men.

I think your husband needs to recognise the impact of his behaviour and actually the root cause of it. I don’t think he can do that without some outside help.

My daughter sorted her husbands drinking out by telling that he could be a single man and continue to get roaring drunk and leave the home and the marriage , or he could be a good husband and father and stay

Hi OP.

I'm an alcoholic. I'm sober now but alcohol ruled my life for many years.
I drank to change the way I felt. And I did huge damage to people around me, even when I was "functioning."

Al-anon will be lifesaving for you. You'll learn what being an alcoholic means - it's not how much or how often someone drinks.

You'll also learn that he has to admit this is the illness he has.

And that's the hard part. He's unlikely to do so. People at Al Anon can tell you what it's like living with an alcoholic in denial, with honesty, empathy and kindness. Then you can decide what you want for you and DC.

What you'll hear over and over is you didn't cause this and you can't cure it. It sounds trite, but I'm an alcoholic and it's true.

You'll also probably hear the serenity prayer (you don't have to think of it as a prayer, just a pretty good guide for living)

Give me the courage to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

You can't change his relationship with alcohol. That has to come from him.

And there really is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. It's an oxymoron. He's not exactly functioning is he?

Is wish you luck. PM me if you want any advice or help in getting support for you.

Also to add, shocking someone into what nearly happened, could have happened rarely works.

It should shouldn't it? What rational person when faced with the very real possibility that they might have been found dead by their partner or children would change?

Alcoholics tend not be be rational in that why, and that's almost incompressible for "normal" people to understand.

It's why I really recommend Al-anon.

These are people who have seen it all and know that often what appears sensible advice probably won't work and will make you feel even worse - that you and the threat of losing you and your family is not enough to stop it.

There is good, honest help out there. You won't fell like you are dealing with this alone and you will be reassured that you are NOT going mad.

That would be a choose me or the drink ultimatum situation.

He got himself in such a state that you had to stop him choking in his own vomit. He is a husband and Father and he needs to grow the fuck up.

Your DP was extremely lucky that you were there. Had he been in bed alone he would likely have died.

You've had a lot of excellent advice, particularly from thepeopleversuswork and Shannith. I am a very long time sober alcoholic and I can tell you that unless he wants to change there's absolutely nothing you can do about his drinking. But you can't tolerate this: he's not safe with the children as hungover as he must have been and God forbid he tried driving the next day.

He may not get wrecked every time he drinks but it's only drink that leads to the nightmare scenario you describe. He is not physically dependent on alcohol but he has a massive booze problem.

In your position I think I'd issue an ultimatum. He either stops drinking or he can go elsewhere. AA worked for me.

how disgusting - and how awful for you. Drinking to vomiting more than once in a lifetime indicates a problem, as an inability to learn how much is too much.

If he doesn't find this rock bottom heaven knows how far he will go.He gets help tomorrow or he leaves. And I hate to say it, but check the life insurance because if he does this again and you aren't there he probably will die as many others have.

I am so sorry for you.

My ex tried to convince me that him having a can of beer at ten am on a Sunday whilst in charge of our baby was perfectly normal and I was completely overreacting. The trouble was I actually questioned myself over it and stayed for years longer until it got too much.

Anyway as I say, he's an ex.

@Shannith God I really needed to hear your advice. Thank you for posting