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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a horrible wife?

81 replies

Anon234 · 27/11/2019 20:50

DH has to go away a lot with work. I'm only talking 2-3 days at a time, about a 3 hour train journey from home but its every other week. We have 3 DC who are 5, 3 and 6 months.
He had to leave at 5.30 this morning for a 2 day conference, staying overnight and coming back late tomorrow night, and typically, all 3 kids were really sick last night. I got up with all 3 of them multiple times so that he could get a night's sleep before having to get up early this morning. Today has been pretty tough with all of them still poorly and the older 2 constantly fighting, we're all exhausted and I think I'm coming down with what they have 😩
Anyway, spoke to DH on the phone at lunch time and he basically said that this 2 day conference hasn't gone ahead but that a few people were going for dinner tonight on some networking thing. It's not compulsory, it's just for the departments to "mingle". Anyway, I asked if he was going to come home this afternoon, since the conference isn't going ahead and he said he'd planned on staying overnight as the hotel was booked and paid for (by work). I think I sounded a bit crestfallen at this and said the kids were poorly and I could do with a bit of back up. I didn't tell him that i thought he should home or ask him to come home in so many words but that was the general gist. Initially he seemed to make a few excuses about why he needed to stay and ended it by saying he would "see how it goes".
So apparently, he's on his way back now and I've started to feel a bit guilty for making him come back; I would give anything for a paid-for night in a hotel/drinks and dinner. He's really shattered from travelling early this morning and now he's having to travel back tonight. I feel like I've been really selfish!

OP posts:

gothefcktosleep · 27/11/2019 20:53

Err, no, you are shattered. He can rest on the train home and come and look after you.

HollowTalk · 27/11/2019 20:55

Don't be a martyr. Don't feel guilty. You needed help. If he'd gone for a drink instead he'd be a real twat to his family. He's coming home instead so don't feel guilty, don't apologise, don't worry.

BillHadersNewWife · 27/11/2019 20:55

It's still work...a "networking thing" is work. I prioritise those because they are important. I do understand why you'd want help but it was only a day...

AppleKatie · 27/11/2019 20:55

Nope he needs to come home and help/let you sleep tonight.

NoGuarantee · 27/11/2019 20:56

Obviously not. He shouldn't have even considered it tbh. Would you?

Thestrangestthing · 27/11/2019 20:58

If the roles were reversed would you have stayed away or went home to look after your sick children?
I would not feel even a tiny built guilty about this.

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/11/2019 20:58

Do not feel guilty at all!

saraclara · 27/11/2019 20:59

You responded as just about everyone would in your situation. I don't think it would have been wrong for him to stay, but it's nice that he's decided to come back.

He's done the decent thing, so if you feel bad, just make sure he knows you appreciate it.

Grumpos · 27/11/2019 20:59

Well what would you have done in the reverse?
Would you have absolutely wanted to stay for a mingle and paid night away or would you have wanted to support your partner and look after sick children?
Sure, he probably felt a bit gutted bc it’s always nice to get a proper nights sleep and a bit of respite. But overall, you’re not selfish for needing back up. No doubt, you’d have been straight home as well

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 27/11/2019 20:59

I would have wailed incoherently down the phone if my husband had said anything other than "Conference canceled. Fear not! I'm coming home early to rescue you".

Stop feeling guilty this instant.

MegaClutterSlut · 27/11/2019 21:00

When his wife who needs help and his children are ill, he needs to come home instead of 'networking' so yanbu.

If I was out for dinner with someone who's oh and dcs were ill and they my needed help but he was out networking, I'd think they were an arsehole tbh

Herocomplex · 27/11/2019 21:00

A horrible wife? No. You shouldn’t feel bad for asking for help.

rattusrattus20 · 27/11/2019 21:01

it depends.

if, say, he's the only breadwinner for the foreseeable future; this network event was potentially useful; you're that wife who on the one hand forever 'busting his balls' to chase that next payrise or promotion etc then your 'job' is basically to support him so YABVU.

if your parenting/careers are more a joint thing & this was likely as not just a chance for him to drink with a couple of old cronies than YANBU.

hope this helps.

Elbeagle · 27/11/2019 21:02

Bloody hell no you’re not a horrible wife.
DH wouldn’t have considered staying down in those circumstances.

AryaStarkWolf · 27/11/2019 21:03

Those are his kids aswell, dont forget that

BarrenFieldofFucks · 27/11/2019 21:04

I wouldn't feel guilty at all. The only concession I would have made possibly would be staying but coming back first thing to get home for lunchtime tomorrow and tag in.

nearlynermal · 27/11/2019 21:05

Well, of course you're not a bad wife. He's just being a decent husband. I'd say all you need to do is make it clear that you appreciate his support.

MiniCooperLover · 27/11/2019 21:05

You are not a horrible wife, he however is a horrible husband for not telling you he was coming home the moment his conference was cancelled and you told him how sick you all were.

danadas · 27/11/2019 21:07

No you are not a horrible wife.

I am the one who does the role your hubby does here and travel 2-3 days a week with work. If I got the impression that hubby needed me home I would come, equally if the networking event was really important (and they can be) I would say that too (but still come home if that was needed more).

Basically what I am trying to say is that he is grown up enough to have told you if missing the work thing wasn't a good idea. The fact that he is on his way home isn't for you to worry about.

Hope everyone feels better soon.

StrayWoman · 27/11/2019 21:08

Um no. He gets a nice comfy quiet hotel bed once a fortnight, with child free undisturbed sleep.

You never get that. Don't feel bad.

HeyNotInMyName · 27/11/2019 21:11

YANBU and you are not a bad wife.

Actually I would have expected him to at least proposed/checked how things were wo you having to ask/remind him. He knew very well the dcs were ill and you had a shit night.

I have never heard of a conference cancelled on the day....

stophuggingme · 27/11/2019 21:29

What @AryaStarkWolf wrote

He is their father. Half of the two people that made them
In other words as much his responsibility as yours and in others words part of being a Proper family

Hope you are all well soon

Wattagoose90 · 27/11/2019 21:39

If he'd chosen to stay I'd be furious! He's made the right decision in coming home to help. Husband points for him.

CobaltLoafer · 27/11/2019 21:46

We have a similar dynamic. He’d consider staying, but decide to come home without irritation as he knows the nightmare of sick kids and I wouldn’t expect him to do it alone either!

Chickenwing · 27/11/2019 21:46

Instead of feeling guilty feel grateful that he is coming home and thank him when he gets in. You're a team.

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