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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I a horrible wife?

81 replies

Anon234 · 27/11/2019 20:50

DH has to go away a lot with work. I'm only talking 2-3 days at a time, about a 3 hour train journey from home but its every other week. We have 3 DC who are 5, 3 and 6 months.
He had to leave at 5.30 this morning for a 2 day conference, staying overnight and coming back late tomorrow night, and typically, all 3 kids were really sick last night. I got up with all 3 of them multiple times so that he could get a night's sleep before having to get up early this morning. Today has been pretty tough with all of them still poorly and the older 2 constantly fighting, we're all exhausted and I think I'm coming down with what they have 😩
Anyway, spoke to DH on the phone at lunch time and he basically said that this 2 day conference hasn't gone ahead but that a few people were going for dinner tonight on some networking thing. It's not compulsory, it's just for the departments to "mingle". Anyway, I asked if he was going to come home this afternoon, since the conference isn't going ahead and he said he'd planned on staying overnight as the hotel was booked and paid for (by work). I think I sounded a bit crestfallen at this and said the kids were poorly and I could do with a bit of back up. I didn't tell him that i thought he should home or ask him to come home in so many words but that was the general gist. Initially he seemed to make a few excuses about why he needed to stay and ended it by saying he would "see how it goes".
So apparently, he's on his way back now and I've started to feel a bit guilty for making him come back; I would give anything for a paid-for night in a hotel/drinks and dinner. He's really shattered from travelling early this morning and now he's having to travel back tonight. I feel like I've been really selfish!

OP posts:
busybarbara · 27/11/2019 22:56

So he’s going to get back at like 10-11 and be off again at 5.30 to get back there? This doesn’t sound sustainable. He should find a new job so he can spend more time at home even if he has to take a pay cut

Catsandchardonnay · 27/11/2019 22:58

I was staying with my mum and dying dad 3 hours away from DH and my DC, and when DD was ill I went home straight away to be with her. He definitely should’ve come home without you having to hint to him. You’re not a horrible wife at all.

SKMCR · 27/11/2019 23:03

He's shattered???He can toughen up. I used to do a similar 3 hour train journey whilst 6 months pregnant with SPD and sometimes I'd stay overnight. Sometimes getting up at 5am and getting home at 10pm.fuck him.

Its not for ever is it so he will survive. Glad he's supporting you all by coming home.

Chocolateandchats · 27/11/2019 23:03

I’d have outright asked, begged, cried 😂 You’re not a bad wife, you’re an exhausted parent. I would expect my husband to come home too in those circumstances. Re-charge your batteries so you can deal with tomorrow. Hopefully you’ll all feel better quick.

overnightangel · 27/11/2019 23:05

“he however is a horrible husband for not telling you he was coming home the moment his conference was cancelled and you told him how sick you all were.”

Have you ever stopped to listen to yourself?
Fuck me

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 27/11/2019 23:07

I agree with a PP who said you need to reframe it. He's coming home because he wants to, not because you told him to.

Bowerbird5 · 27/11/2019 23:34

He can sleep on the train. If he was driving I wouldn’t ask.

My DH worked away for two or three weeks at a time. I just had to get on with it.

Red51fox · 27/11/2019 23:39

Ok man speaking here...what is he thinking!!!! He should of course be home with you and the children!!! If he spends alot of time awzy he should want to spend what time he can with you

motortroll · 27/11/2019 23:52

Even if networking would be useful for work kids come first. He should look at it as taking time off to look after his sick kids (and wife!) as we all would do if it was day time in "the office" I can't see the difference. He didn't say it was important anyway so there's no need to feel guilty.

BillHadersNewWife · 28/11/2019 00:00

Motirtroll working is putting kids first.

ddl1 · 28/11/2019 00:02

No, you're not. Sometimes things are too much and we need help! It's good that he's listened and is coming home. Don't feel guilty!

overnightangel · 28/11/2019 00:03

@Red51fox

“Ok man speaking here...“
Ooo excuse us while we listen intently Hmm

Soon2BeMumof3 · 28/11/2019 00:05

YANBU.

I actually think he's a bit of a dick for even considering staying.

Obviously networking is beneficial to ones career. But guess what, menfolk? I'm going to let you in on a secret that women have known for decades-- when you have children your career takes a hit. You miss things that would have been beneficial. You prioritise your children for a while and catch up on your career later.

It sucks. It's not fair. But here we are.

Staggering towards gender equality, one bucket of vomit at a time.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 28/11/2019 00:06

@Red51fox

Quick- everyone be quiet! A man is speaking.

Red51fox · 28/11/2019 00:13

@overnightangel
not intended to be taken in any derogatory way just making it clear that as a man i sm on the posters side 😁

timeisnotaline · 28/11/2019 00:13

Christ no op. Yes networking is good for his career, so would doing extra work every evening and every weekend be but he has children and a wife. He is your sick leave. He is their dad. I too would be infuriated that I had to ask, and suggest I go out and leave him with the kids next time he’s ill so he gets a taste.
My marriage is not as good as it was a couple of weeks ago which is not as good as it was a year ago because my husband has not stepped up when I’m ill (we have young children, masses of moving country admin and I’m job hunting and he fucking left early for work, went to drinks and then was too heavily asleep to do the night waking and just typing it again makes me want to punch him. If partners don’t care for each other when unwell or regard children as a joint responsibility I wonder about whether they are a good bet to grow old with after all.

Don’t apologise to him. Say I appreciate you being there for us.

Red51fox · 28/11/2019 00:17

OMG why is it that as a man i get stupid comments? I was just making it clear in this case that the man is wrong even from a mans point of view! Can i not do that?

morriseysquif · 28/11/2019 00:25

If his trips were rare, then a one off let him stay, but they aren't. His kids are sick, you are too and on your knees.

We all know it'll be drinking and good times, so if he prioritises that then he IBU. And an arse.

Herocomplex · 28/11/2019 00:25

Your opinion is valid. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man, your opinion is no more or less valid.

BestOption · 28/11/2019 00:29

@red51fox

As a woman 🤣 I find the treatment men get in here, when they say they’re men, is disgraceful. Some women seem to think you saying you’re a man means you think that means something more than that you’re a man. Like YOU think it means the Littke Women should listen because the man has spoken. Whereas some of us can appreciate that all you are doing is making your bias known 🤷🏻‍♀️

No different than someone saying their occupation when it’s relevant or that they are/aren’t a parent etc

Soon2BeMumof3 · 28/11/2019 00:33

@Red51fox

I honestly can't think of a context in which one could say 'ok, man speaking here' and not sound like a dick.

Just rephrase it. 'As a husband, I'd feel it was my duty to come home' or 'We men are needed at home as well' or whatever.

Red51fox · 28/11/2019 00:36

@BestOption
Thankyou...i think 🤣

Crinkle77 · 28/11/2019 10:18

@saraclara get it now. Totally misread it.

saraclara · 28/11/2019 10:34

I honestly can't think of a context in which one could say 'ok, man speaking here' and not sound like a dick.

Oh come on. Female mumsnetters frequently respond "Ok teacher speaking here" or "nurse speaking here" and don't get grief.

Jeeze, even a guy saying something suppportive gets it in the neck here. No wonder MN has a reputation for being anti-men.

FizzyIce · 28/11/2019 10:51

My dh does similar so if I was at home with sick kids I’d expect him to come back to help especially as I have work too .
Don’t feel bad, he’s probably got a Christmas party coming up too so he can enjoy that instead