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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move to New York?

54 replies

ThePriceOfSugar · 27/11/2019 02:10

I have a big decision to make soon and would appreciate advice!

My boyfriend of 10 months just accepted a great job in New York. He wants me to come with him. We live in New Zealand now.

I'm not sure whether to go or break up. On one hand, I would probably be able to find a job; he has a high salary there and will support me if need be; I absolutely love the city and wanted to end up there anyway; I'm young with no ties and a master's degree.

On the other, I don't love him I just like him, while he loves me; I have a really good job here in NZ; I don't like the idea of relying on him; and we have a big age gap (22 and 36).

Would I be unreasonable / reckless to go? Or missing an opportunity if I stay?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 27/11/2019 02:15

I don't think it's really fair on him, to be honest. What would your immigration status if you broke up?

BitOfFun · 27/11/2019 02:15

Be, sorry.

BitOfFun · 27/11/2019 02:17

Presumably his employer is sponsoring him to go? Would you even be allowed in to look for work?

TanteRose · 27/11/2019 02:19

Do not go if you will be relying on him! that way disaster lies...

when you say you could get a job, how do you know? it is VERY difficult to get a working visa for the US - you will have to find something before you go and have the company sponsor you/provide health insurance etc.
research very very carefully.

in any case, don't go because of him - if YOU want to go to New York, then go for YOU, not for someone you just "like".

I have a 22 year old DD and that is what I would advise her if she were in your position.

Pomley · 27/11/2019 02:19

If you would be able to get a visa (it's hard now even for married couples) which allows you to work, and health care then yes. If not, I would stay in your good job and either visit or he realistic.

BitOfFun · 27/11/2019 02:19

Is he thinking of proposing to you so you can get in? It definitely wouldn't be fair to marry him.

zebra22 · 27/11/2019 02:19

As a girlfriend I don’t think you would get a visa, I would check this first

TanteRose · 27/11/2019 02:24

wait, OP, you aren't thinking that you can enter the US as his girlfriend and be allowed to stay and work? You can't do that!

GrumpyHoonMain · 27/11/2019 02:24

Aussies / Nee Zealanders can get US visas fairly easily - you certainly should be able to with a Masters. So if you want to go do it off your own back.

Original poster
ThePriceOfSugar · 27/11/2019 02:25

I'd go if I got a job and visa sponsorship. A transfer from my current employer might be possible. He did offer to get married but I think it's way too soon.

OP posts:
TanteRose · 27/11/2019 02:25

and for god's sake, don't marry him or anything dumb like that Confused

TanteRose · 27/11/2019 02:26

phew cross post!

Pinkbonbon · 27/11/2019 02:27

Umm...you can't stay in NY unless you marry him...

But that aside no, don't do it.

Or do it, but take me with you! I've just been watching a documentary about male gogo dancers in NY and now I HAVE to go hahaha.

Ok I lied, it wasn't a documentary, it was Shameless xD

BitOfFun · 27/11/2019 02:29

It's not just too soon, it's a terrible idea, full stop.

Pixxie7 · 27/11/2019 03:00

You clearly don’t love him so moving for him would be wrong. However if you can’t perhaps do a transfer with your current job why not give it a try. Your only young once.

texasgurl · 27/11/2019 03:04

If you are moving to a new area, make certain that you are moving toward something tangible. Do you have a visa and work set up?

katmarie · 27/11/2019 03:17

Without a work Visa you would be limited to a b2 Visa which allows you access to the us for 6 months at a time. You would not be able to work on that visa at all. If you get married you still may not be able to work, depending on the visa. If you're not absolutely certain about this relationship then dont do it, because it's almost certain you'll find yourself dependent on him. I moved to California with my ex, unmarried, and when it fell apart (after 10 years together) I was left with absolutely nothing, not even the plane fare home.

BritWifeinUSA · 27/11/2019 03:41

You can’t go as his derivative unless you’re married. The only way you could move would be to get a visa in your own right, assuming you don’t marry (and you certainly shouldn’t just to be able to go to New York).

What visa is the employer sponsoring for him? Does the employer even know what the process involves? I am on a few ex-pat forums and FB groups and there are dozens of people each day who say that they have been “offered a job” here in the US but it’s not worth the paper it’s written on if the position doesn’t qualify for a visa or the employer doesn’t know how long and expensive the process is. For many visa types the employer has to prove that there is no American capable of doing the job. If he’s a top scientist or surgeon that might be quite easy to do but for most jobs it’s impossible. Not every job offer leads to a visa guarantee. So I wouldn’t even get my hopes up if I were you.

The easiest work visa to get is a transfer within your current company. This is an L-1 and spouses of L-1s can work. Most new hires are H-1Bs. There are 65,000 allocated each year. The application period starts on April 1 and usually closes a few days later due to the category being oversubscribed. Typically it’s oversubscribed to the point where only 1 in 4 will get a visa. They have to wait until the following October to be able to start work. So if it’s this category and he is one of the 25% selected it’ll be almost a year before he gets here. Spouses of H-1B holders, with limited exceptions, CANNOT work.

There is an uncapped category for academics. Does his line of work fall into academia? There are also very narrow categories for outstanding achievers.

90% of immigrants come here through family. Despite its history of being a nation of immigrants the US is one of the hardest countries for the majority of people in the world to move to. For those who do qualify to immigrate (such as my category - spouse of a US citizen) it takes a lot of patience and paperwork.

Original poster
ThePriceOfSugar · 27/11/2019 03:48

Thanks for the advice about visas. He moves in Aug 2020 so there is time to organise and plan. The emotional side might grow to be an issue especially as he's at the setting down age.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePriceOfSugar · 27/11/2019 03:49

He is indeed an academic

OP posts:
HoldMyLobster · 27/11/2019 04:02

Aussies / Nee Zealanders can get US visas fairly easily - you certainly should be able to with a Masters. So if you want to go do it off your own back.

What kind of US work visa is open to Aussies and New Zealanders that is fairly easy to get?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/11/2019 04:12

You don't love him. Don't go.

User342109097569098 · 27/11/2019 04:25

I’d go! Sounds like a great opportunity

Expressedways · 27/11/2019 05:00

I’d only do it if you could move completely independently of him on your own visa. Most realistically that would be a transfer with your current employer on an L1 visa (H1B visas are another option but very difficult to get due to caps). The only other way you could go would be to marry him but given how you feel about him I think that has disaster written all over it. I think it would be cruel to use him for immigration purposes when he loves you and you don’t feel the same way. You’d also have to keep up pretences for years before you could leave him without getting deported- don’t waste the entirety of your 20s in a loveless relationship, NY isn’t worth it!

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 27/11/2019 05:37

I'd go! I lived in New York and loved it. I'm in Australia now and gosh sometimes I really miss the 24/7 lights and noise.
Obviously that's all dependent on whether you're able to get a visa. You may or may not even still be with him by Aug 2020! Or you may have fallen madly in love with him.
So many ifs and buts. But him aside, if you'd like to live in NY then go while you can. It's be great having him there with you for support too if you did decide to go together.