To move to New York?

[ThePriceOfSugar]

I have a big decision to make soon and would appreciate advice!

My boyfriend of 10 months just accepted a great job in New York. He wants me to come with him. We live in New Zealand now.

I'm not sure whether to go or break up. On one hand, I would probably be able to find a job; he has a high salary there and will support me if need be; I absolutely love the city and wanted to end up there anyway; I'm young with no ties and a master's degree.

On the other, I don't love him I just like him, while he loves me; I have a really good job here in NZ; I don't like the idea of relying on him; and we have a big age gap (22 and 36).

Would I be unreasonable / reckless to go? Or missing an opportunity if I stay?

You don't love him so no don't go. Break up.

Is he aware that you don't love him and have no intention of marrying him ?

@HoldMyLobster I don’t know about New Zealand but Australians are eligible for the E3 visa and we know loads of Aussies in NYC. The huge benefit of this visa is it easily allows you to change job. gothamist.com/news/whats-the-deal-with-all-these-australians-in-nyc

If you can get there independently OP and were hoping to go anyway one day then go for it. If you need to get married (and for most other visas you would) don’t do it if you don’t love him.

Thank you Willow - I have several Australian nieces. We've always assumed they'd work abroad at some point but that it would be in the uk. Would love it if any of them came out to the US.

You'll spoil the opportunity for him if you go and break up.

He is moving away and you don’t love him. It’s as simple as that. Don’t string him along. If you want to go live and work in NY or anywhere else, do it for yourself, off your own bat - not by staying in a relationship with a man you don’t love.

That's quite a big age gap, combined with the fact you just like him (so far) .. may best not to.msje major life decisions around it.

I'd you'd love to go and work, live etc there yourself, and can get a transfer/job with visa etc I suppose you could go ahead, but I wouldn't get tied up with living with him etc. I'd go independently, then if you break up or you meet someone you fall for etc, it wont be such a big deal and potential mess to separate.

Btw why? - it's dirty, noisy, rude, and full of Americans 😉

And very expensive, I forgot v expensive.

Also I thought there is also a fked up make to female ratio (too few men).

*If

Of course if you suggest going independently, living separately etc he's going to point out the obvious cost savings and it's also going to bring to a head the difference between your level of feelings and commitment so far.

You don’t love him, don’t move to be me with him, leave him and let him find someone who loves him back.

*bring to a head a discussion (or I'd that argument) about the difference between your feelings & commitment so far.

I've done this- moving to another country for someone else's work puts a lot of strain on a relationship, and my DH and I had been together almost a decade. Glad we did it but wouldn't do it again. New York is a fabulous place to live but also horrendously expensive and bureaucratic nightmare. Realistically, you've got to earn very good money to have a decent life and have an employer who provides excellent benefits (i.e healthcare).

If you're not 100% invested in the relationship, don't do it.

You don't love him but he loves you. He wants to settle down but you don't...

Leave him. This man deserves someone that loves him and has the same goals (settling down) as he does.
you deserve to be with someone you love.

Why not if you can work there and won’t scupper chances of moving on if you wish

Oh right the love thing I don’t know, does he know how you feel do you think

If you would be able to work and you could easily come home if things go tits up, then yes, I would go.

Or if you think you could stay there and support yourself if things went tits up, then yes.

Yeah fuck it I would go!!

Only if you get a transfer with your current employer though as then you won't be reliant on him.

Not under your circumstances no. Break up, let him go, go on your own account at a later date.

You don't love him! Why are you even contemplating such a drastic move for someone you only 'like?'

Break up now. You don't love him.

Maybe break up with him and move to New York a few months later? It's a city of 8 million, you'll be fine as long as you move to a different area. It would be a really bad idea to move with him if you're not in love with him because you know what will happen: you'll make loads of new friends together everyone there will know you as a cute couple and when you finally do split they may well end up taking his side (as you're the one who's not in love and therefore much more likely to end things eventually). Do it on your own terms in an honest way, not as part of a half-hearted couple. It's kinder in the long run.

Simples.

Let him go and settle in.
You go for a holiday short while after see if you fancy relocating.
It’s another year away yet - almost- your feelings for him may well have turned into love by then anyway, making your decision easier.

If you want to live and work in New York, do it for yourself, don’t go with him because he’s going. It’s not now or never. You don’t love him so don’t drop everything to be completely financially dependent on him in New York.