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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu Christmas present is a gift?

75 replies

Cc2020 · 26/11/2019 05:53

so My son is 12 this year and after already writing his Christmas list out he then decided he wanted a games console. I had already spent more than enough on his presents and couldn’t justify another couple of hundred ££ so I said to him that if his dad hasn’t got him anything yet than to ask him
He usually spends around £200/£300 mark.

Now, here is the thing. My son had his phone on loudspeaker to his dad at the weekend, door open. His dad told him he had the Xbox and my son asked if he could bring it home. His dad flat out said no. You ain’t doing that, it stays here.
Now that is fair enough if he spent much time there, but he only goes every other weekend Saturday-Sunday.
He was really disappointed (although he won’t ever say anything to his dad) because all his friends have one and after school they play each other etc.

Aibu to think that if you buy someone a gift, child or not, that it is theirs then?

Just to add, I don’t play any video games, and my partner has a different console He hasn’t played it in over 2 years because of work. So I’m not sure if his dad thinks it is because we want it or something.
He would definitely take it back with him every other weekend too.
I’m half tempted to go buy him one (we Could afford to) but I don’t want to spoil him but I feel really bad.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 26/11/2019 06:01

Yanbu
His Dad is acting like a knob. I would be tempted to buy him one as well. Is your ex often difficult like this?

Thehop · 26/11/2019 06:04

I’d be tempted too.

TragicRabbit · 26/11/2019 06:07

It isn’t a gift if he can’t take it home with him. It either belongs to your ds or it doesn’t.
Seems very much like it doesn’t.

Snowflake9 · 26/11/2019 06:07

Buy him one. If you can afford to.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 26/11/2019 06:13

It depends what his dads reasoning is really. Do you have other kids in your home that DS would he expected to share with? Or is there a history of things getting damaged at your house?

My parents were separated and I kept games and things at the house of whichever parent bought them.

LellyMcKelly · 26/11/2019 06:13

My son is 12 and he plays on one at each house. I got one for mine because all he wanted to do was go over to his dads as the X Box was there (It’s his dad’s Xbox, not his). If you can afford it why not keep some of the presents you got him for his birthday and get him the Xbox? I got a really good deal on mine from Argos in the Black Friday sale.

Frenchw1fe · 26/11/2019 06:19

Your ex is out of order. He either wants to use it himself or he's controlling.

Has ds got any gp's that give him cash, you could encourage him to put money towards his own Xbox and then he'd value it more too.
I think you need to explain to your ex that a gift is just that and if ds can't have full use then don't bother buying it.

itsmecathycomehome · 26/11/2019 06:31

I can see why his dad would want to keep it at his house tbh, since he probably wants to play games with his son and see him enjoying it.

But of course can see why ds is disappointed too, that he will only be able to play it EOW.

Tbh ds should've thought about wanting one sooner shouldn't he? My ds asked me for one this week too but the answer is a flat no because I've already bought his presents (after months of asking what he'd like and being told he 'didn't mind'). Perhaps your ds could see it as lucky that he'll have one at his dads house at least.

Littlepond · 26/11/2019 06:33

My in laws used to do this. They looked after my son one day a week while I worked. And they made him keep all his Christmas and birthday presents at theirs. They are tight as hell so I’m assuming it was mainly so they could sell them and pocket the cash once DS had grown out of them.
OP, I think you should buy your son the x box for his home if you can afford it.

BlueOooChristmas · 26/11/2019 06:33

I'm a big softie but get him one! Your ex has basically bought himself one.

Original poster

Cc2020 · 26/11/2019 06:34

I should add that ex is very difficult and offend plays mind games with child. My son is too scared to ever tell his dad he has upset him or he doesn’t want to do something because he is scared of what his dad may say. His dad is definitely the golden parent though.

@GiveHerHellFromUs no history of anything getting broken at home. We do have younger siblings but they aged 2 and younger, they wouldn’t want to or be allowed to play on it. Usually it stays at the house of who bought it but if he ever wants to take a game, his ipad, anything like that with him I let him. I just thought it was ridiculous to both spend such an amount of money when he can only play one at a time anyway.

On the other hand though, his girlfriend has a daughter who is 8 so I’m thinking it is probably got to stay there so she can play on it.

I think I’ll seriously think about buying him one, he sees his dad the weekend before Christmas so will get his presents then, so if I buy him one too it’s going to be ‘already got that’ not that he is spoilt but you know what kids are like.
Or his grandparents do give him money for Christmas, shall I see how much he gets and if he wants to pay towards it himself?

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 26/11/2019 06:34

Sounds like his dad wants to be able to play it when your DS isn’t there. If we give DSD a gift then she can take it back her to mums, leave it here or take it back and forth because it’s hers so why would we stop her

HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork · 26/11/2019 06:35

YANBU his dad is being a twat. I would get him one for home if I could afford to.

Fcukthisshit · 26/11/2019 06:36

That’s a really mean thing for his dad to do. If you can afford it, buy him one. Could you put some of his other things away for his birthday maybe if you’re really that worried about spoiling him?

Loopytiles · 26/11/2019 06:38

Your ex is U.

Why did you buy DS’s gifts so early, and before he thought about what he’d most like?

Original poster

Cc2020 · 26/11/2019 06:40

@itsmecathycomehome I know, I said this to him and he had said a few times in the last few months he wanted one but then kept changing his mind. He told me yesterday it’s because he thought it was too much money and didn’t want me to spend all that.

His dad usually rushes around last minute at Christmas and then buys things I have already bought ds and he gets to give them to him 1st. I suggested it to ds to ask his dad so he still got what we wanted, and not doubled up gifts.
I do message ex about presents usually but this year he has been absolutely horrible to me, since he got a new partner, no reason for it. We have been split up over 10 years, I’ve been married for 6.

I think I’ll see if they have any really good deals this Friday.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cc2020 · 26/11/2019 06:42

@Loopytiles I wouldn’t usually get them so early but I’m heavily pregnant and go in for a c section next week. I wanted to get all Christmas presents done and wrapped, as I didn’t know how long recovery would be.
I know he will like the gifts he has got, there was a few he asked for and a few extra I bought.

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 26/11/2019 06:54

Oh you're probably right about the kid at his dads. It's probably a shared console but the dads pretending it's for DS to keep him happy.

If he gets a decent amount of Xmas money it's not a bad idea to then let him decide if he wants to buy one in the Jan sales (and you can then always top up if he doesn't have quite enough cash)

Mumdiva99 · 26/11/2019 06:57

Can you buy a second hand one? And it just be for the house ....not a specific gift. Give it to him when he gets back from dad's after Xmas.

Beautiful3 · 26/11/2019 07:07

If you can afford it, then yes buy him one.

moose62 · 26/11/2019 07:37

I would buy him one, if you can afford it, and give it to him before Christmas as a present from the new baby. That way it is not an additional Christmas present and his dad, as he has been nasty to you this year, can keep his without any problem. Probably mean of me but do is keeping a Christmas present.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 26/11/2019 07:37

Op just get him one for home! Spoil him! I bet he is worth it! I have had similar where a gift has been given with conditions attatched ..i,e, it must stay here for when you next come..errr no we don;t play those kind of emotional games with kids.So the gift ends up as a weapon to control visits or something.No I have no time for that. Thing is the kids know this too so I purposely make a point of trying to get them what they want..even if its a second hand version.They learn who is on their side and who will not let them down. I did this for years and it was a real struggle sometimes but you know what it comes back to you.Last year my son who is nearly 30 got me a surprise holiday abroad for christmas,I was gobsmacked and the reason he did was for all the years I had done without for him.It was a wonderful thing and so kind and generous and he had no need to do that at all but like I said kids don;t forget and they show their love and appreciation in many ways and like me it was years later but it was important to him.

minisoksmakehardwork · 26/11/2019 07:42

You can get them quite reasonably priced in the second hand market. I'd try and get one even if it becomes a gift for the house rather than specifically his Xmas present.

Of course, I'd not suggest that if the one at his dad's is being touted as genuinely his gift, he wouldn't be unreasonable to bring the controller home so he can play multiplayer games more easily at his friends homes...

itsmecathycomehome · 26/11/2019 17:21

I wouldn't buy him one. In fact, I'm in the exact same position with my DS and I've got no intention of buying him one.

He had the opportunity to ask for one at home and didn't, so needs to understand the consequences of that imo. I don't think I'm a cruel mother but my ds understands that there is a finite pool of money and I'm not going to spend an extra £200 on an unexpected Christmas gift.

Also, it's a really bad idea to get into competitions between parents. He didn't ask for one so now he gets two? It won't be long before he realises that saying that there's something good at his dad's house gets him the same thing at mum's too.

OP, you weren't going to buy him one. He would've had to cope without one if dad had said no too. Now, as a bonus, he will have one at his dad's IMO.

bridgetreilly · 26/11/2019 17:34

Just wait. See where things are at after Christmas - whether he has money to spend from grandparents etc, or whether his dad has changed his mind, or indeed, whether he still really wants it.

And if he does, then suggest that he can have it as a birthday present (early if necessary), with a contribution from his Christmas money. But don't go out and get one in the next few weeks. It's perfectly fine for him to wait longer and have the presents you've already got him for Christmas.

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