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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu Christmas present is a gift?

75 replies

Cc2020 · 26/11/2019 05:53

so My son is 12 this year and after already writing his Christmas list out he then decided he wanted a games console. I had already spent more than enough on his presents and couldn’t justify another couple of hundred ££ so I said to him that if his dad hasn’t got him anything yet than to ask him
He usually spends around £200/£300 mark.

Now, here is the thing. My son had his phone on loudspeaker to his dad at the weekend, door open. His dad told him he had the Xbox and my son asked if he could bring it home. His dad flat out said no. You ain’t doing that, it stays here.
Now that is fair enough if he spent much time there, but he only goes every other weekend Saturday-Sunday.
He was really disappointed (although he won’t ever say anything to his dad) because all his friends have one and after school they play each other etc.

Aibu to think that if you buy someone a gift, child or not, that it is theirs then?

Just to add, I don’t play any video games, and my partner has a different console He hasn’t played it in over 2 years because of work. So I’m not sure if his dad thinks it is because we want it or something.
He would definitely take it back with him every other weekend too.
I’m half tempted to go buy him one (we Could afford to) but I don’t want to spoil him but I feel really bad.

OP posts:
messolini9 · 26/11/2019 17:41

He told me yesterday it’s because he thought it was too much money and didn’t want me to spend all that.

Aaaaaw what a lovely boy you have raised @Cc2020.
You don't have to worry he will be spoiled by an extra present (IF you can afford it) then, do you?

Sorry his dad is such a controlling arse that DS has to pussy-foot around him. It will get better as he grows old enough to realise he can call his dad out on the mind games.

messolini9 · 26/11/2019 17:46

He had the opportunity to ask for one at home and didn't, so needs to understand the consequences of that imo

The lad is already suffering enough "consequences" through his dad playing mind games, & the reason he didn;t ask for what he wanted is because he felt mum couldn;t afford it.

You really think a nice boy like that needs "consequences", @itsmecathycomehome?

It won't be long before he realises that saying that there's something good at his dad's house gets him the same thing at mum's too.

Seems this is already happening without any input from OP's son, as her ex will deliberately buy the same presents as OP, purely in order to give them to his son "first".

HugoSpritz · 26/11/2019 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HugoSpritz · 26/11/2019 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elenorrigbywoes · 26/11/2019 18:03

Best of luck with your c section. Your son sounds like a lovely thoughtful young man. If you can afford to buy it for him then I would. He knows how the Golden Parent really is.

patchysmum · 26/11/2019 18:13

Do you have contact with the dad?could you not say you overheard the conversation and do not think it fare that the presents stays there/You could promise your son will take it every time he visits but say you do not think it is fare for him to only have it once a fortnight

Isithometimeyet0987 · 26/11/2019 19:02

Are you sure it’s not a shared gift between him and the other child living there because if that’s the case I understand why he won’t let him take it home. I can’t understand why he told him about it before Christmas though.

WwfLeopard · 26/11/2019 19:07

I’d buy it now/Black Friday & give it him now, tell him Father Christmas gave him it early for being such a good boy. But I am a petty cow n couldn’t be bothered with my ex treating his own child like that

shiningstar2 · 26/11/2019 19:10

Could you speak to his dad and explain that ds won't get the same out of the present if he can't play on it in the evenings with his mates or is that not possible? If your son's dad realizes how disappointing the present would be for his ds with these conditions would he not change his mind?

QueenofallIsee · 26/11/2019 19:18

Some of the gifts we bought my step kids last year we did ask to keep at our house, we were trying to build up their belongings in their other family home. That said we bought second hand consoles as part of ‘furnishing’ the house when we moved in together - as a way of marking it out as their home I guess (and frankly, the teens might have been less inclined to visit without them) so they do have a console in each home. They did take things back with them too but family board games and some practical gifts like coats were intended to be played by our end of the blended family and worn at the weekend so they didn’t have to pack stuff so they stayed here. Maybe his dad sees it as something for them to do together and is worried that putting it in your house will mean your son wants to be home more? I think I would buy one for your house to be honest, rather than moving one back and forth? I got a second hand xbox one for about £200

Original poster
Cc2020 · 26/11/2019 19:22

Thanks everyone for your input.

Just a few points. My son takes whatever he wants to his dad’s house that he has at home. He used to bring stuff home if he wanted to play with it that his dad had bought but then that all stopped. It was always it was his to do as he wished. I have no idea why it stopped from his dad’s end.

The present is meant to be ds’. There has been no mention of it being a shared present, it is just his apparently.

I’m not into any competition between parents. That comes from his dad. He is the no homework/no bed time/eat what you want fun parent and I’m the one who makes him do homework, makes him shower Hmm makes him eat vegetables and the likes. I’m definitely not the ‘favourite’ fun parent.

Thank you @messolini9 Ds is a really lovely boy. I know most people say that but he does have a heart of gold and he really wouldn’t say anything to his dad about bringing it home but I know he would be upset going into school and all his friends talking about playing it and he wouldn’t be able to join in. He doesn’t say anything to his dad for fear of upsetting him. His dad has in the past blackmailed him.

It has only been the last few weeks friends have been taking about it more and the ones who haven’t got one are getting one for Christmas apparently.

He hasn’t asked me for one, just mentioned he would like one and that’s why I told him to ask his dad. I had already spent a couple of hundred pound for Christmas and I know his dad struggles with ideas so thought it was a win/win situation. I never thought he wouldn’t be allowed to bring it home. Just the same as if I had bought it he could have took it for the 4 days a month he goes there.

If his dad has bought it for himself too or as a family gift then that is fine but don’t tell it is his Christmas present.

I know some don’t agree, but if I get a good second hand/ Black Friday deal then I am going to buy him one. And give it to him before Christmas as an early present. His dad has already told him he has it so it wouldn’t spoil any surprise and I know it will put a smile on his face. I will be recovering from my section and dealing with a newborn so him having that will do me a massive favour to keep him entertained without me feeling guilty.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cc2020 · 26/11/2019 19:24

@WwfLeopard I’ve had years and years of it, I really just hope DS realises one day when he is old enough that I’ve done everything I can, practically bit my tongue off some days.

OP posts:
OctoberLovers · 26/11/2019 19:26

If you can afford to, i would

It can be a present from the baby

Bigpizzalover · 26/11/2019 19:29

I don’t know, I can see what you say about him not using it much as he isn’t at his dads often, but... I bought DC an Xbox and I don’t let them take it to their dads. It cost a lot of money, and I don’t want it getting damaged been carted about, left in the car and stolen, forgotten about and having the drama of not been able to play it until they are next at their dads etc. I am not controlling, I am not an arse and his dad could afford to buy one if he wanted.

CravingCheese · 26/11/2019 19:31

I would probably by him one. if you can comfortably - and I mean genuinely comfortably afford it...

Or you could also wait until after Christmas, see what amount of money (if any) he received and offer to make up the difference as a belated Christmas gift.

Original poster
Cc2020 · 26/11/2019 19:31

@QueenofallIsee thank you. I completely get what you are saying but my son never goes anywhere than the 4 days a month. He does have clothes there, although in 10 years of separation has never had a bedroom. He sleeps on the sofa bed, has no private space at all, no drawers/wardrobe/posters so i don’t think he feels as if it is his home anyway.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 26/11/2019 19:33

While you're out shopping see if you can buy your ex a heart and a little compassion-what a grinch!

LuaDipa · 26/11/2019 19:36

Since you can afford it, I would absolutely spoil him and buy the X-Box. He deserves it. Especially as his dad is such a knob. One day he will realise everything you have done for him.

itsmecathycomehome · 26/11/2019 20:57

OP, would you consider giving it to him after Christmas?

I know you say that his dad is an arse but it does seem like such an escalation to buy him one, and give it to him first, when you know his dad is getting him one.

As at least one pp has attested, NRP and step-parents do like to build up a bank of toys at their home too.

Ohyesiam · 26/11/2019 21:02

Your ex would be lost without your son’s Xbox.

RollOnNextYear · 26/11/2019 21:14

I totally agree some people are precious about stuff like that the whole what stays where.

Ds dad doesn't send. Much back but to be fair her doesnt need anything here and doesn't have loads there as far as I'm aware.

However dsd mum is an absolute twat at times.. The first Yr dsd came with us for her birthday we send her gifts back as she wanted to show mummy.
Rangeing from playdoh to a tiny tears doll and doll clothes etc. She was 4.
We said if Possible could the doll come back as it would be nice to play here too especially as her cousin has one and they'd play together
The doll Didn't return 2 weeks later. Dsd said mummy gave to children who don't have as much as me? We questioned her mum and she said. We'll I don't want crap from your house here so it's gone! I mean wtf.
So now everything stays here even down to hair Bobbles.. Even an advent calendar she took home dsd said mummy binned it as it was yuk chocolate.. It was galaxy so not the best but better than some.

But what got us the most. Dsd has requested a Nintendo switch this Yr. Her mother told her that's allowed come back as she can't afford one and we're mean if we don't wt her take it home. .. Sorry but no as I don't trust her and we'll never see it again either.

RollOnNextYear · 26/11/2019 21:16

And. Yes buy him one.. Give to him now as a treat for being so well Behaved and piss on his dad's bonfire.

TheBrockmans · 26/11/2019 21:17

Could you rejig some of the presents you have already bought for his birthday so the xbox isn't such a major additional cost. Or as others have said a present from baby.

ImTheCaddy · 26/11/2019 21:23

I'd buy it but I'm a softie.

In fact I'd buy it from the new baby and give it to him sooner than Xmas.
(Obviously in a slightly tongue in cheek way but the new baby and his toddler sibling must make life chaotic for a 12 year old!)

Ludways · 26/11/2019 21:24

I'm a stepmum and have never once imposed such a thing, what s bloody awful thing to do. If it's a gift then your ds becomes the owner he gets to do what he wants with it.