In debt trouble, too scared to tell partner

[scaredyscared1114]

I've always been bad with money, got in lots of debt around 5 years ago (before I met DP) and ended up with 3 ccjs, debt collectors the lot. DP knows about this and has always warned me not to get in trouble like that again. Since then I have been sensible - living within my means etc.

About a year ago my bank offered me an overdraft - which I took. Then I got 3 credit cards and started spiralling again. I told DP about one of the credit cards and the OD only. I took out a large loan to pay off all the credit cards and have been doing ok with the repayments since then. With Christmas coming up my spending has got out of control again and I have maxed out one of the paid off credit cards. My loan repayment is looming and I just don't have the money.

To make matters worse, our car broke down today and is going to cost a lot of money to get it back on the road.

I've just called my loan company and explained the financial difficulty I've gotten into - they've agreed a debt management plan, but it means shutting all my bank accounts and starting again.

Do I tell DP? I'm so scared and disappointed with myself.

• of the pit of Debt

What is your income as that is relevant to the debt?

Thanks to all that gave me advice yesterday.

I spoke to my DP last night. He was actually very supportive - a little concerned and he did have a big wide eyed look when I first admitted the debts to him but generally he was lovely about it all.

I have agreed to the DMP with my bank, the credit cards I have handed over to my DP and he says he will see if he can pay them off for me.

Your lucky your DP is so understanding because I wouldn’t be.

See this as a wake up call to control your money and spending.

I'm so glad to hear that you spoke to your DP and it went well. A similar thing happened in my relationship, which didn't cause financial problems and didn't put us in debt, but I had concealed a spending addiction for a year. I was going through a horrible time mentally and everything spiralled. I justified it by thinking it was fine because I was earning more than enough to cover it all, but really I was excusing myself. I hated myself every time I bought something, but it relieved that unbearable urge (which obviously came back worse and worse every time).

Biting the bullet and telling my husband was the scariest thing, and I thought it might end my marriage, but he supported me and helped me make the changes to my behaviour that I needed. I read lots of books about how to manage addictions, and did things like cut up all credit cards, close personal credit accounts, and check in with my husband any time I felt the 'urge'. He'd ask me weekly how I was doing at the start, and now doesn't need to ask me. We have 100% financial transparency now.

I wish you and your partner all the very very best in dealing with this, and please don't fall into the trap of thinking 'I'll be OK next time' - it's an addiction so you won't. I have to be constantly vigilant for my triggers and speak to my husband. I have always known for example that I can never gamble EVER, because I know i wouldn't be able to stop (I've never been a gambling addict because I've never let myself gamble, but I know in my heart I would be if I did). Identify all your triggers and thought patterns. Get counselling/CBT/therapy to look into why you have this problem, which should help you manage it better. Keep your DP included at all times.

You've done the hardest thing, which is admitting your problem - so well done. It will get easier from here out.

Well done, very proud of you

I had a DMP years ago and it really helped me with this. You get a simple bank account no overdraft / charges and are not allowed further credit - it is a really useful way of starting afresh.

Regarding your DP he would not be responsible for the debt as it is in your name, you can check if you are financially linked on your credit file, in case the credit score impacts him due to the DMP. That could be a concern but hopefully not. It only really applies if you have taken stuff out jointly or in his name also.

It does impact your score for the next 6 years something to think about if you wish to take out anything like a mortgage. On the plus side often credits freeze interest and they calculate what you owe on your income.

An alternative if possible which would not have this impact would be to transfer it to a 0% balance card and put the different cards and overdraft together on that and you are your DP could set up a standing order or DD to pay that back free of interest, without the impact on your score.

i hope you find using the simple account and fresh start as helpful as I did.

The sites like Experian and Credit karma online can be used free to check you and your DP's credit scores and what cards you would be eligible for...well if you wanted to do the latter option

If you are in a DMP you wouldn't be able to take out any more cards

I'm glad you told. And he's a lovely man if he's going to pay your debt off for you. 1000s of others wouldn't. Hold on to him and never run up (and hide) debt like that again!

And the two of you need to sit down and go over your income and expenses to be sure you're both paying an equitable amount. And that includes child related costs.

Tell him.
There is a good chance that he will leave you as it's a deal breaker for many, certainly would be for me and I put up with a lot.

But if he finds out at a later date when you basically are forced to tell him or you want to buy a house together and can't etc then he will be a lot more likely to leave you over it.

Honesty is pretty much always the best policy.

Oh, you already told him. I'll get my coat :)

Happy that he took it well.

I'm glad you told him and he's been far nicer than I would have been about it.

What are you going to do to stop this happening again though? I was gobsmacked reading your OP - why three credit cards when you already know you're bad with money??!

You are very lucky as I’m sure this has taken a large weight off of your shoulders. Going forward though, it would also be so beneficial to explore the root cause as to why this happened, counselling may help.

I have had credit cards and an overdraft since I was 18. Admittedly I maxed out my £500 overdraft then stopped paying into it for 6 months in first year of uni, so the bank removed my overdraft and asked me to immediately repay it. I did so and nothing further happened, but I certainly learnt my lesson about not overexerting credit and have never been in the same situation since. Why didn’t you? It’s worth figuring out what makes you inclined to continually use credit irresponsibly.