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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In debt trouble, too scared to tell partner

88 replies

scaredyscared1114 · 25/11/2019 15:28

I've always been bad with money, got in lots of debt around 5 years ago (before I met DP) and ended up with 3 ccjs, debt collectors the lot. DP knows about this and has always warned me not to get in trouble like that again. Since then I have been sensible - living within my means etc.

About a year ago my bank offered me an overdraft - which I took. Then I got 3 credit cards and started spiralling again. I told DP about one of the credit cards and the OD only. I took out a large loan to pay off all the credit cards and have been doing ok with the repayments since then. With Christmas coming up my spending has got out of control again and I have maxed out one of the paid off credit cards. My loan repayment is looming and I just don't have the money.

To make matters worse, our car broke down today and is going to cost a lot of money to get it back on the road.

I've just called my loan company and explained the financial difficulty I've gotten into - they've agreed a debt management plan, but it means shutting all my bank accounts and starting again.

Do I tell DP? I'm so scared and disappointed with myself.

OP posts:
PBo83 · 25/11/2019 16:11

Hi,

I carried the burden of debt for years and it took a real toll on my mental and physical health. In the interests of honesty, mine was from a gambling addiction that lasted many years. The things I learned:

  • Address the reason for the debt first otherwise it will never improve
  • Take responsibility for it and accept that you will need to repay it, BUT
  • Realise you also need to live
  • You will need to speak to your partner about it but they are likely to be more supportive than you expect

Then take action:

  • Consult with StepChange or similar (this isn't essential, you can sort a Debt Management Plan yourself if you are happy to do so).
  • Get seriously organised. If you are decent with Excel then start listing all the debts, who they are too and the balances.
  • Contact all your creditors explaining that you are facing financial difficulties and ask for all debts, including interest and charges, to be frozen for 60 days (many will come back and allow you 28/30 days but buy as much time as you can).
  • Work out what you can actually afford to pay and BE REALISTIC. The first time I worked this out I wrote an Income and Expenditure form that I thought my creditors would want to see, not an honest one. If you smoke 40-a-day, put that down, if you drink £30 a week then write it down. It's an issue for another day. What you don't want to do is miss agreed payments as you never get out the cycle.
  • Once you have bought some time, write back to the creditors offering them an affordable monthly payment (during which time interest etc. remains frozen). Most will accept. You will lose any outstanding lines of credit but that's no bad thing.
  • Keep up payments
  • Start sleeping at night.

So, in brief, be honest with your partner but have a plan to sort the debt. Allow yourself to live but own the responsibility.

Good Luck and best wishes.

Yarboosucks · 25/11/2019 16:11

I cannot see how he can be completely ignorant of the situation - do you hide letters from the back, statements, the cards?

Trying to get the complete picture so that you can get advise to go forwards.

No point in blowing smoke up your arse with platitudes.

PlutoAjder · 25/11/2019 16:12

There's no point rolling up debt quietly if the op doesn't change her behaviour.

Op, let me make a prediction: this time next year, you'll be in an even bigger pile of financial poo if you hide the debt from your partner and don't seek ways to address your normal Modus operandi.

Prove me wrong...

Original poster
scaredyscared1114 · 25/11/2019 16:12

I worry that he'll freak out.

Once before a bailiff actually came to our house - luckily we were out but he left a card to say he'd be back and we had to go to the court building and apply for a ccj to pay it off so he wouldn't come back and take our things! That was after I had ignored a debt for 3+ years...

This time I've approached the bank straight away, set up 30 days breathing period, then I can offer payments which are affordable for me.

He's still going to freak out I think.

OP posts:
FloreanFortescue · 25/11/2019 16:12

Firstly you need to admit in full the amount you owe to YOURSELF. Literally pounds and pence.

And yes, you must tell your DP. Once this is sorted, I strongly advise that you never so much as wink at a credit card ever again.

You haven't grasped the reality that the money isn't yours, but the debt is.

Best of luck!

NeverTwerkNaked · 25/11/2019 16:15

You must tell him op. Once it is out in the open you can both work together to get more under control.

Original poster
scaredyscared1114 · 25/11/2019 16:15

@Yarboosucks He doesn't really look in my purse... all our statements are online. I open my post in the morning when he is at work.. idk, its not been hard.

OP posts:
Rosepetals30 · 25/11/2019 16:15

I’ve just lost my shit at my husband for hiding a three figure sum

Please know the hiding of this and the length of time will be one of the most hurtful things to your partner.

Use the guidance you’ve been given to come up with a plan to assure him you are working on it

Original poster
scaredyscared1114 · 25/11/2019 16:16

@FloreanFortescue *Once this is sorted, I strongly advise that you never so much as wink at a credit card ever again.

You haven't grasped the reality that the money isn't yours, but the debt is. *

You are right here.

OP posts:
Pollaidh · 25/11/2019 16:21

I wouldn't be losing any sleep over it
I'm not sure that's helpful! I might have that on a heavy spending month on a credit card, and wouldn't lose sleep either, difference is, I could pay it off immediately and would only be using the card to get cashback on my spending.

OP should be losing sleep. It sounds like she either has a financial problem (not enough money) or a spending problem (like an addiction) or a combination of the two. She absolutely needs to tell her DP, it might well affect his credit rating too.

  1. Tell your DP, full disclosure.
  2. Use MoneySavingExpert to cut all unnecessary costs - go through all your spending to see where you can cut costs.
  3. Seek help for the spending issues, you don't seem to be able to help yourself, and that means that even if you get clear, you might have the same problem again. In the short-term, could your DP, if sensible and trustworthy, take control of the finances, giving you only a small amount of cash spending money each week? In this situation you shouldn't be buying anything other than absolute essentials. Take back anything you can for a refund. Sell stuff on-line. Keep Christmas simple this year.
bigdecisonsahead · 25/11/2019 16:24

@PlutoAjder sorry if it came across as dismissive - it wasn’t meant to be. I just mean £4K of debt isn’t a debt that’s going to ruin your life - as long as it doesn’t spiral any further obviously. It’s not great though of course!

Pollaidh · 25/11/2019 16:25

And in the future you might need to regard credit in the same way an alcoholic regards alcohol. It's dangerous to you, you don't seem able to control it once you start it.

grafittiartist · 25/11/2019 16:27

In my experience Mumsnet isn't terribly sympathetic towards those in debt.
Please don't panic. Tell him, and he will hopefully be supportive. Worse things happen in the big scale of it.
Good luck.

PlutoAjder · 25/11/2019 16:29

Hopefully be supportive?

There's only so much support it's reasonable to expect if the op keeps doing this!

PBo83 · 25/11/2019 16:29

And in the future you might need to regard credit in the same way an alcoholic regards alcohol. It's dangerous to you, you don't seem able to control it once you start it.

Credit is not addictive but shopping/gambling/frivolous spending can be. As I said in my LOOONNGG post above, the first step to solving debt is to identify the source of it (otherwise it will only get worse).

There are loads of steps after that but you can scroll up if you fancy reading them...

poorstudent1010 · 25/11/2019 16:31

Sorry but I don’t think you’re taking this seriously. You have over £5k of debt and you're on a low income as it is. How are you going to manage repayments without telling him?

Of course he’s going to be disappointed in you, that’s understandable as you have fucked up. Making “mistakes” doesn’t mean that you should be absolved of the consequences.

This is not “being bad with money” - that’s a euphemism. You need to contact Step Change and sort your mind out as you clearly have other deep rooted issues that make you inclined to spend like this.

Sorry but fuck would I buy Christmas presents on credit when I’m already struggling to pay off my current debt. Anything that you can return, you should do so. Christmas presents are not that important.

ThinkIamflyingundertheradar · 25/11/2019 16:32

If he is careful with money he probably will freak out when he rounds out. I know I would. The question is how and when will he find out. I would have thought it would be better to tell,him now and get it over with than carry on concealing the truth from him.

PlutoAjder · 25/11/2019 16:37

I'm glad someone else did the Scrooge thing and pointed out how idiotic it is to be buying Christmas gifts on credit when you're already in debt. It's astonishing

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 25/11/2019 16:37

Get it out in the open OP all of it..yes he may well loose his shit at you but he will calm down and be more disappointed at the lying thats been going on.Only when you both know what you are dealing with can he begin to help you.You have been daft but its not insumountable. Thing is and I mean this with all due respect you have to learn how to handle money properly. There is a great deal of difference between want and need ....I would be tempted to go bankrupt if nothing was secured just to keep temptation well out of your way! Go on get it over and done with you will feel better once you have fessed up.Good luck!

NeverTwerkNaked · 25/11/2019 16:40

Who are the gifts for? Would you be able to return some. I wouldn't want anyone to get into financial difficulties to buy me a gift.

grafittiartist · 25/11/2019 16:45

Get across to money saving experts forum. Lots of help and useful advice there. People in the same boat.

PBo83 · 25/11/2019 16:48

Who are the gifts for? Would you be able to return some. I wouldn't want anyone to get into financial difficulties to buy me a gift.

Agreed. I'm in the process of clearing debts and I have agreed with (virtually) everyone that we won't get each other presents this year. I'll still celebrate Christmas as see everybody but without the unnecessary expense.

Evilspiritgin · 25/11/2019 16:53

Op he will probably go mad at first anybody would, get in touch with step change or something similar that won’t start charging you to sort it out,

To the ops who are saying it’s idiotic to be spending on credit, we all know it is, but when you are trapped robbing Peter to pay Paul its a very very easy trap to fall into . I was easily paying off my debts, then my son left school and a pension I had plus tax credits stopping made me start to get into real trouble, luckily I realised before I got into real trouble and step change sorted me out a dmp

Drabarni · 25/11/2019 16:58

You need to tell him, it's not something you should keep to yourself.
I did this in my early 20's and don't have credit now, even though I'm in my 50's.
Have you had any counselling to find out why you keep doing this, there is probably an underlying reason.
Gaining help will probably help you not to do it again.

Derbee · 25/11/2019 17:00

As a PP said, it’s not only £4K debt. It’s the OD and the CC debt too. So you’re still not being honest.

You have to tell your DP. If you’re not married, I would end the relationship if I were him. I wouldn’t want to be tied to someone so financially irresponsible. He might feel differently, but he needs the facts, and for you to be honest

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