In debt trouble, too scared to tell partner

[scaredyscared1114]

I've always been bad with money, got in lots of debt around 5 years ago (before I met DP) and ended up with 3 ccjs, debt collectors the lot. DP knows about this and has always warned me not to get in trouble like that again. Since then I have been sensible - living within my means etc.

About a year ago my bank offered me an overdraft - which I took. Then I got 3 credit cards and started spiralling again. I told DP about one of the credit cards and the OD only. I took out a large loan to pay off all the credit cards and have been doing ok with the repayments since then. With Christmas coming up my spending has got out of control again and I have maxed out one of the paid off credit cards. My loan repayment is looming and I just don't have the money.

To make matters worse, our car broke down today and is going to cost a lot of money to get it back on the road.

I've just called my loan company and explained the financial difficulty I've gotten into - they've agreed a debt management plan, but it means shutting all my bank accounts and starting again.

Do I tell DP? I'm so scared and disappointed with myself.

Tell your DP, be totally honest. If he is angry leave it until he calms down to ask for his help with repayments (you are a family so it is not unreasonable to expect him to help).
Then start looking for a better paying job, or overtime, or a second job.
Read the advice on MSE about spending.
Do meal planning and buy cheap basic food which is still nutritious.
Check out charity shops for gifts.
Perhaps use an app that automatically saves 'change' eg if you spend £4.50 it saves the 50p for you (I assume this works with phone payments only).

You need to offer to hand over your finances to your DH so that he can be certain that this won't happen again.That may sweeten the pill a little.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I have been there. I have a very supportive DH who recognised how I'd got myself I to debt and he's supported me to get out of it.

Once you r debt free again, never EVER get an overdraft facility or credit card, and then it won't happen again

It will get better, and don't listen to people who dont understand and want to berrate you

Be brave, sit down and explain to DP. If h is the partner you think he is, he'll understand and want to support you.

Don’t worry. Just tell him. My boyfriend has 15k of debt which I just found out about out of nowhere. Terrified me, but at the end of the day his honesty means a lot to me and whilst he is avoiding a debt management plan for now, he knows I will help him work one out if need be. It also means that I can help him a bit, e.g. I’ll pay half your share of the rent this month because I’ve done overtime, etc.

Honesty is the best policy. It’s scary, I understand. My boyfriend had a bit of a breakdown when he told me and was really upset, but we’re fine now. It really is best to just be honest.

I'm so sorry about your situation, it happens to so many people. You must feel very stressed right now but you need to tell your DP and everything will start to become a bit clearer and easier to deal with £5k of debt is not the end of the world and can be fixed once you take ownership of it and put a plan in place! You might want to consider some counselling aswell to understand why you have gotten into debt again, you may have some stuff you need to deal with. Good luck and I am sure all will work out.

As you said the start of this was silly spending, return as much as you can (yes, this includes all of the Christmas presents/Christmas spending in general). Anything you can’t return, consider selling as right now it’s important that you manage your finances and get in control of your debt.

If you can’t meet this month’s repayment you’ll have to tell him sooner rather than later if you need his help.

In some ways I sympathise but , if you are bad with money why on earth did you get THREE credit cards?! I have one only and pay the full amount every month so that I don't rack up interest. The poor chap needs to know.

"some is christmas presents but it wouldn't touch the debt."

Really though? The 900 on credit cards will be a big killer because the interest rates are usually high, even if you could find things to return that are only £100, it will still take that off the high interest debt.

As a fellow debtor, you have my empathy but not my sympathy.

I'm not being harsh but ultimately this is a self-made practical problem which requires a self-made practical solution.

I owed nearly £40k from a long-term gambling addiction (now in, successful thus far, recovery). You need to own the problem and work to deal with it. Your partner is likely to be your best source of support and can probably offer some practical assistance.

You need to stop stewing and start working on fixing this.

Could you not just do a balance transfer to a zero percent interest card and then set a balance transfer to pay it back? Might be better than a DMP in terms of hassle. And yes you could tell him of your intent to pay it back / sort it out.

If you check one of the sites like Credit Karma it can tell you if you have a link to him on your file. I don't with my husband even though we are at the same address.

You need to find out if the DMP will affect his credit rating really, before going down this route. It may be better for both of you to arrange to pay it back directly instead if possible, as a DMP impacts you over the next 6 years.

I love how the answers on here are always get another higher paying job or get a balance transfer

When your credit is fucked , you have to go to the lenders with the highest apr (so if your debt is 5000 you pay back 12000)that’s if you can get a lender

Yes, she might not be able to balance transfer if her credit is poor/she isn’t eligible

You definitely have to tell him.

Tonight.

this won't go away if ignored. Give your partner the respect that the word 'partnership' implies and tell him. Yes, he may well be angry (understandably) but if you are prepared to take action then he may want to continue with you.

Most things can be solved with honesty. Please stop lying to him.

and please take the help you desperately need.

I feel for you as this must be a big weight on your shoulders. The only good advice is to confess all and hope he will be supportive but be prepared that he may not.
Sorry OP.

My DH was in debt before we met and it all came out in a mortgage application. I was absolutely mortified and would not in any way take kindly to this situation repeating itself. We worked so hard to get him out of stupid debts and overdrafts that he accumulated when he didn't understand the products when he was 18.
Your debt is manageable. You need to not put your head in the sand and accept the behaviours that have got you in to this position again. You should not have applied for one credit card, never mind three. I understand that banks offer you overdrafts and cards but you know you can't handle them because of your history and you need to say no. You need to return everything that you can re Christmas. If my DH was in debt and handing out expensive presents I would be furious. You really do not need to go above your means for Christmas, you cannot afford it.

@Dojacatttt, sometimes a bit of tough love is necessary! Why won't he agree to a debt management plan - that's a lot of debt!

It's up to him to sort his mess out.

You need a practical plan and asap.

1.First off cut up the cards so you cannot use them again.

1. Write down every single thing you owe to the exact pence. No hiding anything from yourself. Also write down the interest rate for it all.

1. Write down how much you get per month and how much you realistically pay off each month and how long that will take. Pay off the OD and cards first and foremost then tackle the 4k.

1. You dont want to but you will probably have to tell your partner if its safe to do so.

1. Stop spending. Litterally you may have to scrape by on the bones of your arse for a while. That means no nights out no eating out no buying anyone gifts and return any gifts that you can.

How has he not noticed, particularly as you say you are on a low income, that you have spent five grand more than you have in a year??

You absolutely going forward need to not have an overdraft, credit card or loan. You need to realise that debt quickly gets out of control.

As a bare minimum return all Christmas presents and tell family that you are simply not doing presents this year

Set up monthly pay backs and get yourself some help for a spending addiction. This sort of thing ruins lives. My ex did similar to you behind my back (about 10k from what I knew of on a single household income of 16k) He's at risk of being homeless now. I understand why people do it, and in the future, on a much better income, I'd love to get a credit card and bugger off to Japan. But I never will.

Of course you must tell him. Even though he's not legally responsible for your debt, you having to repay it leaves less money to run the household, something that he DOES have to contribute to and make up your shortfall!

You say part of the debt is 'living expenses' like gas, food, etc. Did you have to charge those because you'd already spent the money on non-necessary items or because your joint income is less than your regular, necessary living expenses?

I'm still a bit in the dark. I can understand if you had previous trouble managing money you don't share accounts with DP, but if you're partners (and certainly if DS is his) you should be sharing money equally. My question is why things for Christmas and for DS come out of your money, and whether your partner would agree that what you spend on living expenses like petrol are reasonable. The fact that you may earn less than him shouldn't mean you are running into debt on expenses you both agree are valid, it just means some of his salary will have to cover your expenses. Again, unless he takes the bus but you insist on taxis the whole way, he wants baked potato and you insist on steak...

You have to tell him about all of the debt. The full 5k+. I'm in a similar boat and need to have an honest conversation with my DH about my money situation. I've gone back to work pt after mat leave but my outgoings seem to be more than my income so the savings I had in my account are dwindling every month. I haven't told DH about it yet. He knows that I have credit card debt of about £4.5k (with nothing to show for it!). I hate to admit that I need financial help from him. I've never been financially dependant on a man and didn't intend to be. It's daft because DH is such a kind, generous man and I know he'll help me if I tell him. He's asked me a few times if I'm doing ok for money. I smile and say yes whilst walking around in slippers and clothes that are falling apart. DH and DD never go without because I buy all of their things they need from his bank account. I'll build up some courage and try and tell him tonight please try and do the same.

I am nearing the end of paying off 40k debt which I had built up by maxing credit cards, getting a consolidation loan, maxing out the cc again, getting a new consolidation loan and so on and so forth. Getting out of that pit has been a fucking awful journey, we have about 10k left on one loan. I could not have done it with dp help and support. Just encouraging me to eat at home instead of us getting a takeaway etc helped enable me to chuck random £30 payments onto cards.

At one point I was paying £1200 a month is loan repayments ans credit card min payments.

Good luck op, it is scary as hell but you will get there. I think you really need the support of your dp.

@Igotthemheavyboobs

Well done for pulling yourself out