MIL & DH. I think I’m going mad.

[Mamathebest]

I’m hoping to get a bit of advice here. I have DS who is now approaching 20 months. In these 20 months MIL has not done much to bond with our son. She will casually drop in after a month or two and state how much “she misses her grandson and wants him alone” then disappear again. My parents have been incredibly helpful since DS was born. At one point my DH was working nights and we barely saw him. My family really did there best to support us and make sure I wasn’t cooped up alone with a baby. I’ve had quite poor health over the last year. I unfortunately have reoccurring tonsillitis. And I don’t mean once every few months. This is 2x a month. I am basically at the doctors or referred to the hospital for treatment every month. Ridiculous fever, pain, unable to even swallow my own saliva. It’s exhausting dealing with it and looking after a now toddler but I get on as best as I can with my support system. Occasionally if I have an infection and DH is not around that particular week I’ll stay with my mum and sis for a few days for some extra support. I’m incredibly thankful for this.

I have tried my best to be respectful to my in laws and facilitate a relationship with DS and MIL. She works full time and is quite busy and I try to be mindful of that. I regularly text her “if you have any free time this week and would like to see GS. Let me know what works for you and I’ll bring him
To you or feel free to come Over”. Sometimes this is replies with a simple “ok” and no further contact is made. Sometimes she comes Over. As there’s no regular contact DS sees MIL as a stranger. He obviously is closer to my family as they tend to drop in more often or invite us around. This has always caused a bit of jealousy and bitchy comments from in laws and husband.

Things came to a head last weekend and as a result me and DH are no longer talking. MIL came around last week and stated “I want some alone time with DS this Friday. So I’ll take him”. My DH who is desperate for DS to become closer to his family, immediately said yes without even a conversation with me. DS is going through a horrible separation anxiety phase. I could occasionally leave him for a bit with DH and my sister. Now he’s screaming the whole time
And with my last attempt I was told to immediately come back! I can see this is perfectly normal
At this stage so I’m trying my best to ride it out and if i have to leave him. I would rather Leave DS in environments and with people who he is familiar with. My mum has babysat a couple of time’s and its always been at our home. She finds he tends to deal with separation a bit easier there plus it’s childproofed.

I spoke to my DH about MILs request. We have no plans to go out on Friday and currently very broke so can’t afford to. So this is all for the benefit of MIL. I said to my DH I’m quite concerned leaving DS with MIL. She shows no interest in his routines and is absolutely clueless when it comes to him. Surely it would make more sense for her to see him more often first, become more familiar with each other? And I am also confused by this whole “I can only bond if I get alone time with your son and nothing else will do??”. Maybe it’s cultural differences but where I am from no one gets to demand alone time with anyone’s kids. If parents ask that’s a separate matter. My own parents who adore DS would never and respect that. I was willing to put aside my instincts and go along with it if MIL could have DS in our home as is normal tradition. My DH simply grunted and said “yeah I’m sure it will be fine”.

Friday comes and he texts me saying that we can drop DS over to his mums. Obviously I’m a bit confused as this wasn’t the plan. We go back and forth and in the end the night is cancelled. My DH starts swearing at me and says “I see you for what you are now” wtf?!

It’s been three days and he has refused to talk to
me. I believe the last thing he said to me was “fuck off”. I have spoke to his mum, apologised for the miscommunication and explained
My feelings as gently as I could. I offered for us all to spend time together (me, MIL & DS) the next day. MIL said she was busy. I said that’s completely fine would any other day work? So we agreed on Sunday. I brought DS over, MIL barely spoke to me and made some passive aggressive comments. I didn’t reply, I just kept in mind I’m doing this for my DS. At one point during the visit DS wondered over to touch a small plastic ornament she had on display. He literally brushed his hands on it and she screamed at him. DS of course was crying and scared. He’s a toddler FFs, I mean I am all for setting clear boundaries but that seemed OTT. I feel like I’m being pointed out to be some kind of evil woman by DH and MIL. Honestly at a loss as to what to do.

If I were you I would go to my sister’s.

I used to get lots of infections when my ferritin level was very low.
Have you had your iron levels checked? Just a thought.

I hope things work out for you. You sound like a sensible, thoughtful person.

I was hospitalized four days with tonsillitis (culture grew out three different kinds of germs) then had surgery eight months later-that was a breeze compared to that infection. Good luck OP

Every time I try to start a convo he will walk away or completely ignore me. Would I be a bitch to go stay at my sisters for a few days?

Absolutely not. Tell him you prefer to be with a sensible adult than a sulking manchild.

I've had big MIL problems but the difference is that DH supported me, thankfully (or our marriage would not have survived).

I strongly advise you to read "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward.

I also think you may need some couple's counselling with your husband if the two of you are going to get through this.

His behaviour is verging on abusive - silent treatment is emotional abuse.

Of course you wouldn't be a bitch to go to your sister's for a while. In fact, I think you would be wise to do so.

Your DH is an arse. Send him Fizzy's message before you disappear to your sister's with DS.

Why the fuck should you be expected to facilitate contact with his equally twatty mother when he won't even take DS over there himself?

All three of my children were fairly clingy at your DS's age. Fine with people they knew well, but very wary and uncomfortable with those they didn't.

PS if he is abusive, counselling is very unlikely to help and is not advised.

It is important for you to put a stop to the "silent treatment".
Please do send Fizzy's message.
Or, simply, "I am going to my sister's, when you have decided to grow up & be a decent father & husband, let me know, I will decide if I wish to return. I will not be subjected to your petulant silent treatment in way of punishment.
Do not play me off against your mother. She has so far been absent inspite of my very great efforts to involve her. Should you wish for her to see DC going forward, you will be taking him"

Go stay with your DSIS for a few days and tell DH you'll come back when he's stopped sulking and is willing to talk like an adult.

As for MIL, fwiw I think you are being a bit precious regarding MIL and your DS. He's never going to have a better relationship with her if you try to micro-manage it so much. You seem to have slipped into comparing MIL to your DM but it's a different relationship, they have different demands on their time and MIL will have their own family ways of staying in contact, visiting, etc. I think you do need to try to relax and I agree with your SIL that you could have let this visit happen.

Your husband sounds awful and as a SAHM you are very dependent on him. That would worry me more than the issue with MIL. Obviously if she is unfamiliar with your DS she needs to get to know him. You have tried to facilitate that and she has not bothered so leave it up to your DH to forge a relationship. Even if you are a SAHM that does not mean you do everything. I would be worried about not having a source of my own income though when he sounds like a complete control freak and quite frankly unstable.

Leave (not necessarily for ever ) but don't mention it to jizzweasle husband. Just leave

Take DS to your sisters and have a well deserved break from Mr JW and his equally putrid mother

Fizzy has nailed it.

I'd personally send that. I couldn't send my dc to her house alone knowing she shouted at him in front of you. Who shouts at a tiny toddler like that.

Imagine what she's capable of behind closed doors and how scared he'll be if she shouted at him alone. Your DH is awful for pandering to her pathetic behaviour.

I dont see falling out with DH over this, you and the MIL should make an effort

You don't see that the OP is the only one whos is actually making an effort here??

I would go and stay with my sister, see if that improves his attitude.

I think you do need to try to relax and I agree with your SIL that you could have let this visit happen.

The last thing any mother can do is "relax", @ThatsMeInTheSpotlight, if she knows her 20 month old is going to be shouting at for touching a plastic ornament. Even if the boy knew MiL well enough to be left with her without stress, that's out of order & any mum would wish to protect their child in those circumstances.

As it is, DS doesn't know MiL well enough to be left with her. MiL has been offered multiple chances to get to know him slowly so that she CAN eventually 'have him all to herself', but has refused. So it's her call, & her tough shit really, innit?

Also - why is it up to the OP to facilitate this visiting?
Her own DH won't do it.
Why do you feel that OP is more responsible for DH's mother than he is?

I'm so glad you didn't just hand your DS over to your MIL because she was trying to bully you into it. I would never have felt comfortable sending my child off to somebody they barely knew at that age, either.
Your DH is also really not on for giving you the silent treatment. That's just awful.
I'm so glad that your own family is so supportive.

Why are you with him? he told you to fuck off. He or I would be gone now.
Your h is awful, and is your problem not mil.

I hope you have stopped doing things for him, no washing or cooking etc. Or he'll think he can treat you like this whenever he disagrees with you.
send him a text saying you know who he is now.

My DH starts swearing at me and says “I see you for what you are now”

He's a cunt. He probably learned it from his mother. I wouldn't let her see DS and I'd leave the house for a bit and go and stay with someone. Let him stew a bit.

Gosh he sounds awful. Why are you still married to him? He cares more about his mum than you and his son and treats you very disrespectfully. I'd make an appointment with a marriage counseller and tell him to go with you or get divorced.

Go to your sisters. This man is awful, he doesnt support you, he doesnt deal with his own mum, cant be arsed to take his DS round to visit giving you a break and ignores you for days. I wouldnt be worrying about another DC as I would be getting my ducks in a row

Stop blaming your mil. This is down to your husband's inability to set appropriate boundaries and stand up for his child. I'd be furious with him.

I think its unfair of you to compare your mum and MIL with regards grandparenting
I also think its a bit much complaining about her lack of contact and then, when she asks for it, complaining it doesn't suit.
I would have been tempted to let her take the child, and send a check-in text half an hour later, saying child is clingy atm and if you need me to have them back just say so. Would probably have been back home within the hour and you could have used the experience to build a proper level of contact
HOWEVER your issue here is with you DH. He should have consulted you before making arrangements with MIL, he should have rearranged when you raised objections. He should NOT have done that thing where he gives you the impression he has changed his mind, and then sandbags you at last minute, hoping you will be too embarrassed to object. He should not expect you to arrange contact with his family. He should not expect you to visit his family without him.
And he DEFINITELY should NOT expect that he can yell at you and call you names when you, quite understandably, do not let MIL take your child when you thought you had agreed something different.
Your DH is a coward because he would not speak to his family about contact, and a liar, because he deliberately gave you the impression that he had agreed with your objections. And he is a bully for the way that he has behaved to you since you said no

Your husband is probably really disappointed with his mum, as well as embarrassed and ashamed that she isn't the grandmother he wanted her to be. However he's also an old fashioned sexist who thinks anything 'family' is female work and down to you.
He needs to open his eyes and accept that his mum needs to do better and start supporting you.

LTB. It will never get better, he'll make the rest of your life miserable, and it won't be good for your son to grow up in that environment.

Why don’t you pop round to your mil’s? My guess is as she’s working full time and you are a sahp she may want you to make the 10-15 min trip with the baby. Offer firm concrete plans for when you know she won’t be working - so a specific time of day on a Saturday perhaps (make sure your DH knows and also knows he will be going with all of you); so she can counter offer. Would be easier to defend to your DH too if she still said no.