MIL & DH. I think I’m going mad.

[Mamathebest]

I’m hoping to get a bit of advice here. I have DS who is now approaching 20 months. In these 20 months MIL has not done much to bond with our son. She will casually drop in after a month or two and state how much “she misses her grandson and wants him alone” then disappear again. My parents have been incredibly helpful since DS was born. At one point my DH was working nights and we barely saw him. My family really did there best to support us and make sure I wasn’t cooped up alone with a baby. I’ve had quite poor health over the last year. I unfortunately have reoccurring tonsillitis. And I don’t mean once every few months. This is 2x a month. I am basically at the doctors or referred to the hospital for treatment every month. Ridiculous fever, pain, unable to even swallow my own saliva. It’s exhausting dealing with it and looking after a now toddler but I get on as best as I can with my support system. Occasionally if I have an infection and DH is not around that particular week I’ll stay with my mum and sis for a few days for some extra support. I’m incredibly thankful for this.

I have tried my best to be respectful to my in laws and facilitate a relationship with DS and MIL. She works full time and is quite busy and I try to be mindful of that. I regularly text her “if you have any free time this week and would like to see GS. Let me know what works for you and I’ll bring him
To you or feel free to come Over”. Sometimes this is replies with a simple “ok” and no further contact is made. Sometimes she comes Over. As there’s no regular contact DS sees MIL as a stranger. He obviously is closer to my family as they tend to drop in more often or invite us around. This has always caused a bit of jealousy and bitchy comments from in laws and husband.

Things came to a head last weekend and as a result me and DH are no longer talking. MIL came around last week and stated “I want some alone time with DS this Friday. So I’ll take him”. My DH who is desperate for DS to become closer to his family, immediately said yes without even a conversation with me. DS is going through a horrible separation anxiety phase. I could occasionally leave him for a bit with DH and my sister. Now he’s screaming the whole time
And with my last attempt I was told to immediately come back! I can see this is perfectly normal
At this stage so I’m trying my best to ride it out and if i have to leave him. I would rather Leave DS in environments and with people who he is familiar with. My mum has babysat a couple of time’s and its always been at our home. She finds he tends to deal with separation a bit easier there plus it’s childproofed.

I spoke to my DH about MILs request. We have no plans to go out on Friday and currently very broke so can’t afford to. So this is all for the benefit of MIL. I said to my DH I’m quite concerned leaving DS with MIL. She shows no interest in his routines and is absolutely clueless when it comes to him. Surely it would make more sense for her to see him more often first, become more familiar with each other? And I am also confused by this whole “I can only bond if I get alone time with your son and nothing else will do??”. Maybe it’s cultural differences but where I am from no one gets to demand alone time with anyone’s kids. If parents ask that’s a separate matter. My own parents who adore DS would never and respect that. I was willing to put aside my instincts and go along with it if MIL could have DS in our home as is normal tradition. My DH simply grunted and said “yeah I’m sure it will be fine”.

Friday comes and he texts me saying that we can drop DS over to his mums. Obviously I’m a bit confused as this wasn’t the plan. We go back and forth and in the end the night is cancelled. My DH starts swearing at me and says “I see you for what you are now” wtf?!

It’s been three days and he has refused to talk to
me. I believe the last thing he said to me was “fuck off”. I have spoke to his mum, apologised for the miscommunication and explained
My feelings as gently as I could. I offered for us all to spend time together (me, MIL & DS) the next day. MIL said she was busy. I said that’s completely fine would any other day work? So we agreed on Sunday. I brought DS over, MIL barely spoke to me and made some passive aggressive comments. I didn’t reply, I just kept in mind I’m doing this for my DS. At one point during the visit DS wondered over to touch a small plastic ornament she had on display. He literally brushed his hands on it and she screamed at him. DS of course was crying and scared. He’s a toddler FFs, I mean I am all for setting clear boundaries but that seemed OTT. I feel like I’m being pointed out to be some kind of evil woman by DH and MIL. Honestly at a loss as to what to do.

I would be staying at my sisters and not coming back until he apologised. I suspect he knows his mother is a distant grandparent and doesn't like it and is lashing out. He isn't willing to put in the time to build the relationship with her, expecting you to do it or your son to be upset rather than his mother.

send fizzy email definitely ...dont try and analyse his mums behaviour just recognise she is interested in you /ds really - cant beeleive she said he's not one of us ...thats vile
he doesnt sound like he wants to be a husband/father much... go where you get support

will ds be going to nursery? does he get out and about much to groups etc.. may help you bein out more rather than feeling stuck in..
can also helo with speach development , def keep talking in your language great for brain development as well as sense of self..

yanbu - I am surprised you have lasted this long tbh.

Agree with PP - you have a DH problem - a major one.

Go to your sisters (don't let him know you are going) and message him explaining that you will not be returning until you have reassurance that he will be putting your needs and feelings above those of his mummy. I wouldn't hold my breath though

@Mamathebest. Not the subject. But for the tonsils. Have you heard of PFAPA? Or periodic fevers. A good immunologist could be of massive help with regards to the tonsils. The nhs wants you to have 7 infections per year before they even look at you. X

@Bluerussian

I’ve been on the waiting list for three months now. Unfortunately with the current state of the NHS there’s so many people on the list. Apparently getting your tonsils removed is considered a non urgent OP. Therefore people might be higher on the waiting list who have much less episodes but nothing can be done about it. According to
My consultant anyway. It’s a pain in the arse. I feel half dead most of the month.

OP - your DH is a selfish twat. Go to your sisters and stay there over Christmas. He can fuck off to his mothers and they can both have a pity party.

You need to try to seperate the issues here.

Clearly there is significant problems in your marriage. Your husband should not talk to you as he does, and you should try to see th8ngs from his perspective, as he is also a parent and has an equal say, it's not your sole decision on whom looks after your son. You're acting like you have the final say and he can't be trusted to do something in the child's best interests, I'm assuming PFB.

As you're only a few mins away. I'd have let my kid go and simoly said he's going through some anxiety stuff, any issues and give me a call and I can come round so you can both have as much fun as possible.

Sometimes you need to pick your battles, and this sounds like it's more about you and your husband and your marital struggles than it is about your kid.

Erm genuine question, OP. But have they done an STD swab of your throat? Recurring tonsilitis could be more than tonsilitis 😥

Please got to your sister's and give yourself some space and some peace. Your MIL is playing silly games because she wants to come between you and your husband - youro DS is the weapon she is using - there is no real desire tosee your son. That's why when you offer to go round or have her over to see DS she doesn;t bother - because she's not interested. But she asks for something she knows is unreasonable (having DS alone) because she knows you will say no and then she can have a go at you.

Also - are you the lady that had another thread over the weekend wondering whetehr to go to a and e because you felt so poorly with your tonisillitis ? If so shame on your DH for being so awful when you are so unwell - he should be doing all her can to help and support you.
Please go to your sister's or your Mum's for some TLC

What a horrible man your husband is.

Leaves you to sort it out then sulks because it's not how he wanted it.

Not just that, but abusive as well.

I hate him from what you have written-goodness knws how you must feel.

Fizzygreenwater is right. Spot on.

Your son is not a toy and she doesn't get to bully you to hand him over to her when she feels like it. Keep strong.

Regarding your tonsillitis, my son had it every fortnight for 2 years. Looking back, I think it was the same infection reoccurring. I am convinced the first set of antibiotics did not work and then it just kept coming back over and over again.

One time, he got it really bad and we ended up in the hospital, his throat was getting very serious. The doctor gave us Zitromax,( I might have spelled that wrong now). Anyway, he took it for 3 days and never got tonsillitis again. It just finally got rid of it after 2 years.. I'm not saying this antibiotic would suit you, I'm just saying that I'm sure it was the same infection that he had that had never cleared up fully, so all the previous antibiotics were just keeping a lid on it but not clearing it.

I wish you well with your throat and you husband. Trust your instincts with your son and feck everyone else. Good luck.

Please send fizzy free water s text

I had my sons tonsils lasers off at bupa, and paid the bill on finance over 12 months. Good 10-15 minutes and zero recovery time. Might be worth you looking into

If you think MIL is clueless, and has no idea with your DS, she probably feels intimidated and self concious when she is in your home. I assume you have tried arranging the odd hour for a coffee at her home with DS, to get your child used to the setting, and ensure it's safe with plenty of toys, baby-wipes and anything else he might need. If I didn't know better, I would say you dont really like her that much. Well that's sort of fine, you choose your friends, the others come as a package. I dont see falling out with DH over this, you and the MIL should make an effort.

he doesn’t want to spend his weekends at MILs house with DS

Jeez.
But expects you to, despite the way she treats you & has ranted at your little boy?

Just to demonstrate the differences for you OP so you know it's not mad to not just dump DS with MIL with no getting to know you time - I went back to work with DD was 10 months. She has 1 day with DPs and 1 day with PIL which involved a gradual increase in time from about 6 months starting with leaving her for just an hour. She saw both sets of parents probably weekly before that. Even then DD has only had 1 overnight with DPs ever and she knows them really well recognised them/their car/their houses and they know her routines. PIL are a bit pissy that they haven't done an overnight but they are night owls and DPs are larks. PIL looked like they might faint when I said that DD got up at 5am for the day and although they would like to think they want an overnight, it's an unspoken known that this isnt something they would want to do and therefore no overnights. Its about meeting DDs needs not some weird game of 'me first' or perceived fairness.

He doesn't want to spend time there, but expects you to.

It's a power thing, her status as the female head of the family. She feels entitled to have your boy and make decisions about him. I knew someone who let their in-laws mind the child for a day and the in-laws set off on a week long holiday with the child, without telling her. Because they believed they had the authority to do that. So don't let the child go. And of course, you're absolutely right, you'd be sending him to a stranger. Why do that?

Whether you and your husband can work things out, I don't know. Perhaps having std swabs of your throat, and general std tests, would help formulate your opinion on that.

Slightly off piste, here, but from what you've said, you more than reach the criteria for a tonsillectomy
.You should push for this, as you might end up in hosp, IV antibiotics, I won't go into other scenarios.
You deserve better in all respects.

** Fizzygreenwater is right. Spot on.

Your son is not a toy and she doesn't get to bully you to hand him over to her when she feels like it. Keep strong.

^^ this

You have a DH problem most of all OP.
He should put his son first and not do exactly as his mother wants without considering DS’ needs / discuss these things with you first.

I would go with DS to my parents or sister if I were you and not come back until DH has apologised.
And to be honest, keep MIL at arm’s length too for a while, she clearly feels very entitled and needs to learn to respect your position. You’re his mum ffs.

Bloody hell your husband sounds like a right arse when he comes to his mum.

Surely any parent wants to put their child first? And spending a whole day in an unfamiliar place with an unfamiliar person is not in your childs best interest.

Even at nursery they try and build it up gradually and have settling in sessions etc.

Your husbands reaction would worry me to be honest. The aggression, refusal to consider his sons needs, refusal to even try and see your point of view or accept it is different to his, and the way he is dealing with an argument by refusing to discuss it at all and then massively over reacting (because you wont agree to a day's unnecessary child care he doesn't know how he feels about you and doesn't want any more kids?! That's the most over the top thing I've heard in ages!).

Also disappearing as soon as he gets in from work, expecting you to facilitate contact with his family etc...he doesnt sound like the most involved parent.

Is he like this with any conflict or just when it concerns his mum? I think any couple should be able to argue without personal insults, aggression and threats

You aren't the only one. Your his mum stick to your gut instinct!!! I wouldn't like to be left alone in a strange place with people I don't know now so let alone being a 20 month old just figuring the world out

My DP asked my sil to have DD whilst I took DS to an important hospital appointment. I point blank refused as she doesn't know her, Yea we went on holiday together back in April but she didn't bother with her then an hadn't messaged or bothered with her since or when ds when he was in hospital. She's got 3 kids herself an she's very opinionated on everyone else as she "knows best she's got 3" well iv got 2 toddlers 4 step kids and 1 on the way I don't need your shit opinion she's just a user an only hear when she wants something so I don't bother with her I really dislike her !
But
We argued for days as I took DD to my brothers house instead an he said it wasn't fair but they see my brother every week, they know his house an he knows the kids to know what they like. What they need etc
I told her outright why she didn't stay and I found it cruel to just leave her with someone she barely knows an she didn't reply to me
Go stay your sisters. Show dh the cold shoulder as you've done nothing wrong !!

Re the recurrent tonsillitis - I used to have this, until I had it so badly once that I was really ill with it (and began to understand what they meant in Victorian novels by someone dying from a 'putrid sore throat'!).
GP then gave me antibiotics for 2 weeks - a lot longer than usual - and said to be sure to take the full course - and come back if it wasn't a lot better quite quickly.

That was many years ago and I've never had it since.

Can only think that I'd been carrying the bug and it was constantly flaring up, but that last course did finally finish it off.

Have you had any similar course of treatment?

Definitely go to your sisters and stay there until your DP grows up 💐

I think your DH is still in thrall to his DM. He is now trapped between you and his DM. He doesn’t feel able to argue with his DM so he argues with you instead.

What is MIL like on other issues?