MIL & DH. I think I’m going mad.

[Mamathebest]

I’m hoping to get a bit of advice here. I have DS who is now approaching 20 months. In these 20 months MIL has not done much to bond with our son. She will casually drop in after a month or two and state how much “she misses her grandson and wants him alone” then disappear again. My parents have been incredibly helpful since DS was born. At one point my DH was working nights and we barely saw him. My family really did there best to support us and make sure I wasn’t cooped up alone with a baby. I’ve had quite poor health over the last year. I unfortunately have reoccurring tonsillitis. And I don’t mean once every few months. This is 2x a month. I am basically at the doctors or referred to the hospital for treatment every month. Ridiculous fever, pain, unable to even swallow my own saliva. It’s exhausting dealing with it and looking after a now toddler but I get on as best as I can with my support system. Occasionally if I have an infection and DH is not around that particular week I’ll stay with my mum and sis for a few days for some extra support. I’m incredibly thankful for this.

I have tried my best to be respectful to my in laws and facilitate a relationship with DS and MIL. She works full time and is quite busy and I try to be mindful of that. I regularly text her “if you have any free time this week and would like to see GS. Let me know what works for you and I’ll bring him
To you or feel free to come Over”. Sometimes this is replies with a simple “ok” and no further contact is made. Sometimes she comes Over. As there’s no regular contact DS sees MIL as a stranger. He obviously is closer to my family as they tend to drop in more often or invite us around. This has always caused a bit of jealousy and bitchy comments from in laws and husband.

Things came to a head last weekend and as a result me and DH are no longer talking. MIL came around last week and stated “I want some alone time with DS this Friday. So I’ll take him”. My DH who is desperate for DS to become closer to his family, immediately said yes without even a conversation with me. DS is going through a horrible separation anxiety phase. I could occasionally leave him for a bit with DH and my sister. Now he’s screaming the whole time
And with my last attempt I was told to immediately come back! I can see this is perfectly normal
At this stage so I’m trying my best to ride it out and if i have to leave him. I would rather Leave DS in environments and with people who he is familiar with. My mum has babysat a couple of time’s and its always been at our home. She finds he tends to deal with separation a bit easier there plus it’s childproofed.

I spoke to my DH about MILs request. We have no plans to go out on Friday and currently very broke so can’t afford to. So this is all for the benefit of MIL. I said to my DH I’m quite concerned leaving DS with MIL. She shows no interest in his routines and is absolutely clueless when it comes to him. Surely it would make more sense for her to see him more often first, become more familiar with each other? And I am also confused by this whole “I can only bond if I get alone time with your son and nothing else will do??”. Maybe it’s cultural differences but where I am from no one gets to demand alone time with anyone’s kids. If parents ask that’s a separate matter. My own parents who adore DS would never and respect that. I was willing to put aside my instincts and go along with it if MIL could have DS in our home as is normal tradition. My DH simply grunted and said “yeah I’m sure it will be fine”.

Friday comes and he texts me saying that we can drop DS over to his mums. Obviously I’m a bit confused as this wasn’t the plan. We go back and forth and in the end the night is cancelled. My DH starts swearing at me and says “I see you for what you are now” wtf?!

It’s been three days and he has refused to talk to
me. I believe the last thing he said to me was “fuck off”. I have spoke to his mum, apologised for the miscommunication and explained
My feelings as gently as I could. I offered for us all to spend time together (me, MIL & DS) the next day. MIL said she was busy. I said that’s completely fine would any other day work? So we agreed on Sunday. I brought DS over, MIL barely spoke to me and made some passive aggressive comments. I didn’t reply, I just kept in mind I’m doing this for my DS. At one point during the visit DS wondered over to touch a small plastic ornament she had on display. He literally brushed his hands on it and she screamed at him. DS of course was crying and scared. He’s a toddler FFs, I mean I am all for setting clear boundaries but that seemed OTT. I feel like I’m being pointed out to be some kind of evil woman by DH and MIL. Honestly at a loss as to what to do.

This is exactly it! She knew that my response was going to be a no. She knew it would inevitably be a fight between DH & I. DH even said “look my mums making an effort and you’ve thrown it in her face”. Why is she playing these games?!

Would I be a bitch to go stay at my sisters for a few days?

You would not be a bitch to leave for longer. Just saying.

Your DH is treating you terribly.

I would be leave him, today.

be leaving

DH even said “look my mums making an effort and you’ve thrown it in her face”. Why is she playing these games?!

Don't bother analysing it. If your DH cannot agree that his son comes first - that upsetting a 20-month-old is not unacceptable so grown-ups don't get their feelings hurt - then you cannot ever win this fight. It's not about his mother. It's about HIM.

@FizzyGreenWater send that text OP word for word. It's pathetic you have done nothing to deserve this treatment.

DH problem unfortunately. And in your shoes, no way I'd be letting ds go off. He's still little.

We (notice how I said we!) facilitate visits for my in-laws. We plan it. Close to home or we just get tickets and they all go.

Whereas my family can take the eldest overnight and for a week no bother.

Mind you, I'm not ready for the youngest(23 months) to go off with anyone until she's 2 (although we left dd's with my parents nearly a year ago for 4 days) but this age is the worst. They know if you're not around .

Your dh needs to open up and you both need to talk. This is a very difficult age for any toddler and routine is key in my eye(not so much when they're younger!). As you're a sahm he doesn't see how much an upset routine can cause for everyone. The tantrums, etc.

Get him to tag along and spend some time with his family too

I’d leave too, I think.

Regardless of all the nonsense from your MIL, your DH sounds like a deeply unpleasant man. I'd think about your future with him and how happy it could be for you and your child x

Would I be a bitch to go stay at my sisters for a few days? Not even REMOTELY a bitch OP. Go, stay as long as you can, and regroup. This is not looking good, I'm afraid.

I know this is not your problem - BUT keep on speaking both languages with your DS. To be bilingual is a tremendous advantage to a child in all aspects of education and whatever the languages.

If you choose to stay with your sister, remember to take a copy or the original of any important documents, e.g. bank statements, pension papers, mortgage stuff, birth certificates, records of big purchases and whose money they were paid with.

I have a feeling this will blow up - get your ducks in a row. Even if you choose not to leave, knowing that you could might make you feel more confident.

He's a dickhead who cares more about his mother's feelings than yours.
You're just expected to bow to her matriarchal demands, without question - because she is his mother.
You're expected to bow to his demands that YOU facilitate contact with his mother despite his unwillingness to put himself out for it, because you're the woman.

How hard would it be for you to actually leave his sorry arse, because he's a manchild bully. Can't see much for you in this relationship going forward unless you kowtow to his and his mother's demands, which you should absolutely NOT do. :(

I would also send Fizzy’s text.
A man who refuses to speak to you....I mean how old is he, twelve ?

I wouldn't have another child with this man until and unless he understands that he's not being a good husband or father right now. You and your child need to come first. Need. Not his mother.

And he is dancing to her tune, happily, and abusing you via the silent treatment. It is abusive behaviour.

I'd pack up and go to your sister's if that's an option. Tell him you're reconsidering the entire marriage if he's not going to grow up and advocate for your family. He can move back home to his mother's if he's so determined to have her back instead of yours.

You need to stop facilitating hints to between MIL and DS. Just stop. It’s wifework, not a SAHM’s job.

But equally, you need to let DH take DS to MIL if he wants.

Let them sort it out between them. If DS cries, they will bring him home. Stop insisting all visits at your home, you’re playing into their hands because it means you always have to be there.

Tell mil she is more than welcome to have the big baby.
And you will assist dh with HIS packing today...

I can see why your hurt, what an arsehole. Your H doesn't have a nice word to say does he and is totally appreciative of what you do in raising his child. Definitely go to your sisters for practical and emotional support. You need some clear boundaries here and you and your DS dont need to be treated like shit so that MIL can play doting granny with H lapping it up. I would suspect that H isnt that hands on and the apple hasnt fallen far.

*contact not hints. Agh Plus phones have a massive keyboard but still shot to type on!

Agree with others.
Send the txt/email beautifully crafted by fizzy Then go to your family until he grows the heck up and stands up to his waste of space mother.
Best of luck.

Your husband is really being unpleasant, disrespectful and rather immature. I'd think twice about staying with someone like him but things may improve, you'll be the best judge.

However what has struck me about your opening past apart from MIL and husband is your recurrent tonsillitis. You are having it so frequently, isn't it about time you had your tonsils out? My son had the same problems, even had a quinsy and then had tonsils out which put an end to recurrent tonsillitis!

Please do think about it, talk to your GP who will know how ill you are and how often and get a referral to an ENT surgeon (even better if you can be referred privately, a consultant will often, after a private consultation, put you on NHS waiting list).

You wouldn't be in hospital for long but for a day or two after the op you will feel very groggy and have some pain so stock up on painkillers in advance and even a small bottle of brandy. That will pass and you'll be fine soon.

I was just thinking that for your hospitalisation and recovery period, your husband could stay at his parents for one night and a day with your little son which would facilitate mother in law getting to know him with his dad there. This is just something that crossed my mind of course. You can't go on having tonsillitis all the time, it is quite dangerous.

Think about it.

Good luck with all the rest.

Shame you didn't send your child over to her, you would have got him back within the hour, if he's anything like mine was.

I also find it sad that your husband doesn't take a delight in your son becoming bilingual.

Thank you all so far for the lovely messages. I’ve been so inside my head that I don’t know whether I am being a control freak as DH likes to think or its normal for a mum to not want her 20 month alone in a home he doesn’t know. He’s my first child I have no clue but to go on my gut. I’m really glad to hear that it’s common at this age for kids to be upset with unfamiliar places and people. I believe MIL might be telling DH that I am crazy and anxious. Do I for a second believe she would have done the same with her kids? Nope.

My sister mentioned about going along with it this once as “you know MIL won’t bother with DS again for months” but why should I put DH and MiL before my son?? More importantly why doesn’t he care more about upsetting DS over his mother. If this was my own mother behaving the same way, I would have been a lot more blunt and said hell no. How does she expect to build a bond with a kid she doesn’t know after having him
Alone for a whole night? Why doesn’t she just come around more often? Why doesn’t she invite DS and DH out or over to her house?

My mum calls, asks to come around to see DS. She wants to know how his day has been, what have we been up to. Do we need anything? If I’m
Sick, would you like me to bring some food around for you guys? Would you like us all to go out for a coffee? She’s not bothered about seeing DS alone, just that he’s healthy and happy. Surely a loving grandparent would be this way.

I remember when DS was a newborn and we had to stay at in laws house for a week as we had stayed at my mums for a few days. MIL and DH took DS downstairs and MIL decided he was “thirsty” baby must have been less then 3 weeks and decided to give him some tap water. When I asked my husband why he had allowed this- he simply shrugged and said “his mum thought it was best” I should have known then how this was going to go.

What FizzyGreenWater said.
You are absolutely right not to let MIL take your DS when he barely knows her. You're putting DS first. If MIL wants to get to know him, she will come to your house and/or visit with all of you together.
Your DH is being awful - he is putting his DM above you and DS, that is totally unacceptable.

I also had chronic tonsillitis when my DC was young - it's awful isn't it! I ended up having my tonsils removed. Almost died after the surgery (bleeding), but no more tonsillitis now.

@Havaina

I’m more than ok with DH taking DS to his mums. It would give me a much needed break. But he doesn’t!