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AIBU?

To ask how find out who took the money

78 replies

MissMarpleInvestigates · 25/11/2019 08:20

NC for this. I live with 3 DC. 2 are over 18 and one teenager (GCSE age).

I have been suspecting that money has disappeared from my purse but I have never been sure. When I thought that some was missing before I mentioned it and it seemed to stop.

Until today.

Last night I went to the local shop and I had £20 in my purse. I paid with a card (I forgot veg for dinner) but when I got home I left my purse out (as I was rushing for dinner).

This morning the £20 was gone. All 3 DC were in the house last night but DC1 went to bed after me and was up and out before me. DC2 went to bed early and is still in bed this morning, and DC3 was up and out of the door with me.

Ive asked DC1 & 3 if they did it and they both deny it, but both of them had the most opportunity.

The question here is, is there anyway I can try and get to the bottom of this? Maybe by putting some dye on money in my purse or another creative way of setting a trap? or any other ideas?

Or should i just let it go?

OP posts:
ItsNovemberNotChristmas · 25/11/2019 08:22

I certainly wouldn't be letting it drop! I'd be removing all privileges until the thieving little shit(s) owned up

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 25/11/2019 08:24

A small, cheap camera set up in the same room as you leave your purse, will give you your answer. That’s a horrible way to live and I’d find it extremely upsetting, if my child was to steal from me. I would actually tape a few incidents, to ensure it’s just the one child and not a couple of them.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 25/11/2019 08:26

No, don't let it go. It's not a one-off.

I would make a point that you can't now afford xxx (as a family) because money has gone missing. Just to make the point that your earnings pay for the household.

I don't know how you find which of the three is responsible though Confused

Rosielily · 25/11/2019 08:27

You can't let it go, as it's dishonest behaviour which might escalate. How you go about finding out who the thief is a different matter, however. I would also be worried if one of your children was being bullied and having to give money to someone else (eg DC who is still at school). Could any of your children have got into debt to someone? Could it be money for drugs? I hope you get some answers sooner rather than later.

OlaEliza · 25/11/2019 08:28

How old are dc1&2 and what is their financial situation? Do they contribute?

MidnightMystery · 25/11/2019 08:30

Sit them all down together and ask outright say "I know it's one of you so I would like the truth now please and if you don't own up then there will be consequences for all of you".

Winterdaysarehere · 25/11/2019 08:32

I have been I this position op.
Turned out to be my dh...
Now exh.
Keep an eye who is spending this week. Who has 'gains', who is spending it. Who has plans.
Who has a games console - you can buy cards for points for xbox etc.
Withdraw your dm assisting this week as you are upset. See who cares. See you is annoyed.
This is truly crappy op.

custardbear · 25/11/2019 08:34

Don't let it drop - an old school friend of mine used to raid their parents pot of 50p pieces regularly and she'd buy cigarettes - she would have been 10-12 at the time before they realised what happened - she didn't steal or smoke after that

MissMarpleInvestigates · 25/11/2019 08:38

Thanks everyone.

Was trying not to give ages as it is quite outing, but between 18-25.

DC1 has a job, but is terrible with money.
DC2 is very tight with money and is earning, but you never know
DC3 I dont think it is going it to anyone at school - but it's more likely the local shop.

I will try and get them altogether but its harder than it sounds. DC1 and 3 dont really get on and there will be a lot of finger pointing. I was trying to get hard proof before confronting them. They used to call me the spanish inquisition when they were little as I could get anything out of them... I think they are now wise to my ways Wink....

As soon as they start working they have to contribute.

OP posts:
ELM8 · 25/11/2019 08:38

Plenty of notes have biro / pen marks on them so I would mark a note with a scribble you would recognise and wait for it to go. You will have to act quickly though to find it before whoever has taken it removes it from the house...

Good luck! Thanks

BendNSnap · 25/11/2019 08:43

Setting up a camera will get you the proof you need before confronting them.

Winterdaysarehere · 25/11/2019 08:44

Just remembered I once suspected ds 13 of taking a £20 note. Marched round the shop with his pic and asked if he had been in!! He had. He was so shocked I had caught him. Can't remember the punishment as it was 10 years ago..

INeedNewShoes · 25/11/2019 08:51

You could up all their contributions to household finances by £50 a month to cover thefts from your purse and be very clear why you are doing it.

Iggly · 25/11/2019 08:52

Why didn’t you ask DC2? Keep it neutral and ask them all and explain what you can’t now buy. That you’re disappointed and they must stop. That you’ve noticed money going missing before.

IdleBet · 25/11/2019 08:53

I'd be so disappointed if my DC was stealing from me.

I'd sit them down and tell them how you feel. There may be a bit of guilt that you feel so bad and they stop.

If that doesn't work then cut short on your shopping, don't have any biscuits or juice in. Tell them you have to cut back because one of you is stealing. They'll soon want the culprit to own up.

Iggly · 25/11/2019 08:53

Just because DC2 was in bed - it doesn’t mean they couldn’t have done it.

caperberries · 25/11/2019 08:56

I routinely stole from my parents when I was a child, from the age of about 7 until my late teens. I do feel very guilty about it now.

I'm not really sure why I did it, I think I was partly motivated by greed, partly by feeling slightly neglected/overlooked compared to my high-flying siblings, partly resentment at not being given much pocket money. Also my parents were very rich but very frugal when it came to letting me have the latest gadgets/fashions. A lot of my friends had things I wasn't allowed to have, not because my parents couldn't afford them but because they had decided for seemingly arbitrary reasons that those things weren't worth having. That really rankled.
I'm not defending myself, just explaining the psychology in case any of it may be relevant.

Also my parents rarely seemed to notice. On the rare occasions that they did, we'd all be asked & I'd always deny. There wasn't much they could do if no-one owned up. I think the hidden camera is an excellent idea.

ScruffGin · 25/11/2019 08:59

I'd set up a camera, you can get pretty cheap ones on Amazon/from shops

Roselilly36 · 25/11/2019 09:02

How sad, it’s a terrible thing to do, you definitely need to get to the bottom of it ASAP, once you have the evidence, you can talk to them, because they may also be stealing from shops. My brother was a thief & a liar, he stole from mums purse, when she was really hard up. It is such an upsetting situation to deal with.

Caramel78 · 25/11/2019 09:03

I once stole £10 from my mum’s purse when I was about 13 to buy a phone top up card. She realised it was missing and knew it must have been me as I was the only one in the house all day. I denied it until I was blue in the face and I’ve never seen her so angry before. I regret it so much now as an adult as even though it was only £10 I realise what a shitty thing it is to steal someone else’s money that they need.
I hope you get to the bottom of it. Don’t expect any of them to own up to it without undeniable evidence such as being caught in the act on camera. They also might not do it again for a while as they know you’re suspicious now and might be on their tracks.

TheNestedIf · 25/11/2019 09:10

Sorry, meant to add, you'd probably have to check quick either on the note or the fingers before it gets spent or they get washed. Not sure how durable it is.

MissMarpleInvestigates · 25/11/2019 09:20

Thanks for all the replies.

I didn't ask DC2 as she/he wasnt up yet - thats the only reason I havent asked. Im not saying that isnt wasnt that child - just giving the break down as it was.

I think I have a small camera some where - will check. It isnt all the time so a bit hard to know when it is going to happen. But will give it a go.

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 25/11/2019 09:24

I used to steal from the dinner money jar, probably between the ages of 11 and 14. I did it to buy sweets.

I feel horrible about it now as stealing is obviously wrong even though they had enough money that the pound I took here and there wouldn’t have made a difference. I confessed to my mum as an adult and she really wasn’t bothered. We have a very good relationship now so I suppose in the grand scheme of things it seems relatively insignificant.

I was otherwise a very honest child and would never have stolen from anyone else. I think I saw it as being similar to taking 3 biscuits from the tin when the family rule was to have 2.

Africa2go · 25/11/2019 09:25

First of all, check it wasn't your DC and be absolutely certain you didn't call in anywhere else and use it / leave it for the milkman etc before you escalate this.

Then, I would sit all 3 DC down at the kitchen table and say that no-one leaves until whoever took it owns up. And I'd leave the room, let them sort it out between them. If it takes a few hours, so be it. If no-one owns up, they all have to suffer serious consequences.

Two major lessons needed here for whichever DC it was - Stealing is just unacceptable whether its from someone you know or not, and secondly, not having the integrity to own up to something you've done and letting others potentially suffer as a result of your conduct is even more unreasonable.

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