To ask how find out who took the money

[MissMarpleInvestigates]

NC for this. I live with 3 DC. 2 are over 18 and one teenager (GCSE age).

I have been suspecting that money has disappeared from my purse but I have never been sure. When I thought that some was missing before I mentioned it and it seemed to stop.

Until today.

Last night I went to the local shop and I had £20 in my purse. I paid with a card (I forgot veg for dinner) but when I got home I left my purse out (as I was rushing for dinner).

This morning the £20 was gone. All 3 DC were in the house last night but DC1 went to bed after me and was up and out before me. DC2 went to bed early and is still in bed this morning, and DC3 was up and out of the door with me.

Ive asked DC1 & 3 if they did it and they both deny it, but both of them had the most opportunity.

The question here is, is there anyway I can try and get to the bottom of this? Maybe by putting some dye on money in my purse or another creative way of setting a trap? or any other ideas?

Or should i just let it go?

Years ago I had this. Oh the joys.

Told them all of they fessed up now and the consequences wouldn’t have been as bad.
Honestly mum it wasn’t me
There’s no reason to steal from me, I would have helped them out.

Dug out an old purse and started using it again for a few days. Printed off a couple of notes, nothing outrageous. In the purse I put the money, had an accident and spilt some ink from a bottle. Lovely dark black. Don’t know how I managed to also have an accident with glitter without getting any on me.

Never happened again. It was the dickhead husband who did become ex. Did consider chucking him out, but thought that it was an extreme example of consequences 😆

Glitter is genius.

Why didn't you ask DC2?

They're old ensough to sit down andm even f 2 of them don't like each other, for you to lay out some home truths.

Don't even try and work out who it was. Just tell all three of them that you are extremely disappointed and that THIS LATEST THEFT has left you short of money to see you to the end of the month. You would, therefore, expect them ALL to hand over whatever amount they see fit, so you can continue to feed them this week!

Tell them plainly YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW who it wa as it would hurt you to know which one of them was a thief that would see the family short of food. Add that you don't expect to ever have to have that chat again but that if you have to you will be taking a competely different tack.

Be matter of fact, but do see if you can squeeze out a tear. And don't let them speak, cut them off if they try. It should be a one way street... you to them.

And then yes, do set up the camera.... in case one of them is so arrogant as to think you don't mean a word of it!

I'd feed them nothing but lentils for every meal indefinitely for a week, including any packed lunches.
It'd probably save you more than £20.
I love lentils. Win Win!

If you own a small camera I'm not sure why you haven't already thought to use that.

Notes have serial numbers, so there's no need to mark them with invisible ink. However far easier to have evidence of someone taking the note rather than trying to search them for the missing money.

They’re your kids, OP. You know them better than anyone else. Which do you think did it?

Do they have televisions in their rooms? Or any games consoles? Anything at all which you can go in and remove, from all of them. Then turn off the Wi-Fi and leave it off (hide the hub if you need too). Take everything away. Then talk to them as a group and explain how horrible it is to live in a house with people you cannot trust and can't feel safe with. Explain that you work for that money, and you need it to support them. Remind them that you've supported them for 25 years and for this to be the treatment you now receive is heart breaking. Ask them how they feel now that they've come home to find out that you've removed their belongings from their rooms? Does it make them feel loved and respected?

Then you need to tell them that you'll always be there to help them, and if there are any problems then they can just come and speak to you but you will not live with dishonesty. Tell them that you expect one of them to come to you within an hour to admit what they took the money. You don't tell their sibling; it will be confidential. There won't be any repercussions this time, no shouting or anger. There will just be an honest conversation about how to move forward and then you will all put it behind you. And tell them if no one comes forward then they will live without games consoles/WiFi/whatever else they enjoy.

But yes, the ‘consequences’ I would put in place would give the older ones pause for thought about moving out. I’d cut off any TV package and start buying the cheapest food, limiting what they could help themselves to, asking them for more of a financial contribution. Disgraceful that one of them is taking advantage of your kindness like this.

I wouldn't try to find out personally.
House meeting.
Money has gone. Only the person who did it knows who they are. ( they might all have been at it). They are adults(or nearly) and stealing from your Mum is a matter for their own conscience. You are disappointed that your love and generosity is not appreciated.
I would then buy a cheap safe. Put it on the counter and put your purse in it.

As others have said, nannycam or dashcam set up by your purse. You have to get to the bottom of this, my brother was stealing from the family home before he was kicked out years ago. It started with my fathers wallet at 14, but then moved on to items in the house like younger sibling gadgets and earrings that he could take down the pawn shop. He also took up shoplifting. Once he left, he broke in one summer when he knew we were on family holiday and stole something expensive. It was to pay off debts as he was terrible at money management and had loans all over the place. He has not been in touch with the family in 30 years which is no great loss, but my point to you would be that it is important to get control of this nasty habit now, rather than let it escalate.

Had a read through, so if I miss anything;

Consiquences - while pulling WIFI, changing food and TV etc would probably hurt DC3, DC1 is hardly here so it isnt likely to do much for him. I have over the years used this stategy more times than I can mention, and im not sure that it would have that much impact any more. I need to find out who it is so I can taylor the consiquences

Getting them all in one place is tricky to talk to them - but im hoping they will all be around later. Not sure what DC1 is working today.

I have now texted DC2 - will see what he says...

If he’s hardly there maybe it’s time for him to move out? Then if the thefts stop you know it was him.

I also raided the spare change pot for 20p's, 50p's, £1 coins etc, from I was about 14. Usually towards stuff I knew my parents wouldn't buy me (cigarettes, alcohol, drugs etc). Like a pp, at the time I saw that as minor, like taking 3 biscuits when the house rule was 2. Or I'd ask my dad for money for one thing, then spend it on something completely different. When I was about 16, this escalated to "borrowing" notes then I'd be a mess until I could sneak them back, praying I would get the cash back before anyone noticed. Then, I outright stole a few piece of my stepdads jewellery to sell for drugs, got £50 (and didn't realise until later they were worth a lot more). That was the end of it, I felt so ashamed of myself, and was constantly worried about being found out. I was immature and selfish, but eventually realised how much my mum needed that money, every penny (my stepdad was/is a bit of a cock lodger, and for a long time I used that to justify it, "I do loads to help out in the house and get crap pocket money, yet he does fuck all and she buys him whatever he wants, no questions asked").

I get now that two wrongs don't make a right, and I still feel guilty about all that to this day. Once I was 17 and working and starting to pay my own way, I went completely overboard at birthdays, christmas, and other special occassions, to try to pay it back and alleviate the guilt.

I hope it's your youngest, not realising the consequences. I think I could forgive an immature, silly, selfish teen, much easier than a dc 21+ (who you'd think would know better by that age). I hope the money isn't being used for anything illicit, and that you get to the bottom of it.

I like the glitter "spilt" in the purse idea, the culprits pocket/wallet/bag will have traces of the stuff, if they do take any more cash.

I never punished DCs if I asked them to confess and they did. It is not so much about the theft, as what they are buying, they dont want you to know about, " I doubt its for a Christmas present". I would go on strike until the culpret confesses. Soup and Bread, Lentils, as a poster suggested. Strip the beds, and leave it in the washing machine, turn the heating down, no biscuits or crisps in the house, plenty of lettuce, and apples. No music, computers, I-pods except for homework.
I dont think you will have long to wait. Good Luck

Lots of useful posts.

DH has a sibling who not only would never confess after they had all been beaten up for several thefts and mishcief of that sibling (so punishing all of them won't necessarily guilt the culprit to admit) but the sibling was also very convincing and would make their mother believe that the others had damaged X or stolen the expensive sweets gifted from abroad. Some people are so stubborn that they never admit anything and think that stealing anything is worth all the collective beatings and punishments you and your siblings will receive.

You could ask in the local shop if anyone them has been in with £20 recently?

Sit them all down together and ask outright say "I know it's one of you so I would like the truth now please and if you don't own up then there will be consequences for all of you".

Don't tell me - you're a teacher who gives out class detentions??

Threatening consequences (and even worse carrying them out) to the innocent is the most stupid idea that was ever thought.

Concentrate on finding out who did it and punish them alone.

Punishing any group when only one is guilty is completely unfair and lazy.

Unfortunately ds1 took money that then DH had left on the side.

He completely denied it. I couldn't figure out what had happened to it and was suspecting the cleaner. Then a friend asked if I'd checked his dinner account at school.

I did and there it was. The school credited it back to me as it was unspent still.

Ds1 was then driven to the local police station and a policeman had a strong word with him

Make sure you don't mistake this for a burglar. We had a break-in where we barely knew we'd been burgled. My wife thought she'd had more money in her purse but put it down to having spent or lost it. However, after a short while, we realised someone had got in through a rear window (never had a problem before but due to a neighbour's new extension it the became accessible). Nothing was stolen apart from the cash, about £80, all her cards were still there and computers, iPad, cameras totally ignored, and even though our (smallish) house was full with two adults and two adult children, we heard absolutely nothing. You could be the victim of someone who knows you have cash and who knows how to slip in and out of your house without you ever knowing. The police tell me this is quite common, thieves break in and steal something inconsequential. Nobody calls the police as a result.

Be careful about damaging accusations before you confirm you're not enabling a thief. I would recommend getting a Ring doorbell and add one of their cameras to the back of your house. You might get a nasty surprise, solve a crime and at the very least increase your security.

The glitter alone worked brilliantly as quite a bit went between the notes.
Gutted I wasn’t there to witness it. If I could do it again I would record it.
Took forever for him to clean up from the side, floor and well everywhere he went 🤣 if you have carpets don’t go overboard, I could imagine you would never get rid of it.

Ink and glitter because harder to deny on the day of the set up. On there own easier to get away with.

Hi @DaveTheDesigner thanks - I dont think its a burgler, I don't often have cash in my purse and all the doors were still locked and nothing else had moved. But I can see where you are coming from. Thanks

Ask each of them individually "What did you need the money you took from my purse for?" Trick them into giving honest answers.

@Struckbylightning DC3 goes to the one next to his school, I could try but there are over 1000 pupils that go there - but I could walk up and ask

@Kazzyhoward I think that was what I was trying to say. They are all different and im not sure that punishing them all would work

@ffswhatnext gilter - so funny

I'd speak to them individually. They can't point fingers then, and it's not so humiliating. I'd also frame it as 'If you need money and don't feel you can ask me, we need to talk about it' rather than blaming or accusing.