AIBU to go low contact with MIL...and how?!

[Quirkydays]

Could make this a very long story but will try and keep it short. Have been with DH for over 10 years and have always found his DM difficult. Since having a baby the relationship has worsened. I posted a few months ago (have NC to try and prevent outing) about an incident that happened over summer. The advice from MNetters was fairly unanimous - go low contact. Her behaviour is possessive and manipulative and this has all become heightened since DC has come on the scene.

We haven’t seen DHs family since this incident but DH has had lots of long phone calls with his parents to try and resolve the issues. The bottom line is - there is no resolving because they don’t recognise any fault in their ways and his DM excuses everything she does as misunderstanding her good intentions. So they have agreed to try and move the relationship forward and ‘agree to disagree’ effectively, with assurances that they won’t do the behaviours we don’t like.

However, I have pretty bad anxiety and for some reason I now get extremely worked up at the prospect of seeings PILs, speaking to them etc. I now obsess a lot about potential scenarios/how I’ll handle MIL if she’s being subtly manipulative etc etc. I really don’t want anything to do with her at all.

I recognise that I have to have something to do with her, because otherwise my DC won’t know them, but how can I have very minimal contact? There is a family whatsapp which has been unused for months (since the incident), but recently she’s been posting on there again. All cheery, light-hearted and as though nothing has ever happened. She’s also asked us to go on holiday with them next month, as though nothing has happened. My DH is supportive of me being low contact and knows that we won’t be going on holidays with them until we can be sure we can spend time with them in a positive way.

But whenever a whatsapp notification pops up on the family group I’m feeling pangs of anxiety and the knotting feeling in my stomach. If I leave the group it will cause WW3, because we’re meant to be ‘moving forward’.

What would you do? Thanks for reading if you got this far

Can you just mute it?

Can you just mute it?
Surely if you're moving fwd this should include you feeling like you dont have to feel controlled?
I'm glad your husband has your back and no you shouldn't go on hols with them.

Turn the notifications for teh chat group off.

What does your version of moving forward feel like! Sounds like their's is pretend it never happened. Your DH sets the tone and you need to set out your expectations very clearly with him. If you don't want to engage with your ILs yet (or at all), then don't be guilted into it.

Leave the group. Let WW3 happen. Job done.

The problem with muting is that you still see the number of unread messages on there every time you go on WhatsApp. Muting would solve the problem if it effectively hid the whole thing.

I am tempted to just leave the group. Should I say something to explain why if I do? I think it is a feeling of guilt that I get twisting in my stomach. For example, the latest post is a video of her very elderly father and all the replies are saying how lovely/sweet the video is. I feel like a cold hearted bitch for not replying!

Perhaps my idea of moving forward is wrong though. I don’t know what I need to make the relationship better, but I don’t trust her and don’t want any dialogue with her at all. So my idea is that we see them every couple of months to allow contact with DC, DH can go and visit them on his own if he wishes, but otherwise I don’t want to see them or have friendly chit chat. They live 4.5 hours away. But maybe that’s me holding a grudge and not being grown up?! That’s how they make me feel anyway.

Are you getting any help with your anxiety? There's a risk of you building this whole situation up to a point where you simply can't cope. Talking it through with a neutral professional might help you decide if you want a relationship with your DC's grandparents or not.

At some point DH is going to want to take the DC to see his parents will you be comfortable not going with them?

I’d just leave the group. So what if it starts ww3? If they’re going to be petty over social media it’s not worth it. Assumingly dh is part of the group? If so the reason can be that you didn’t see it necessary for you both to be part of it?

Take a deep breath and leave the group. She's controlling you right now to the point where you can even just look at your phone without fear. She has no right to do this, it's your phone, just kick her off it and relax. May I ask why you think it's important your DC have a relationship with her?

If you are still full of anxiety about meeting your in-laws that can’t be helped. It’s maybe something you can work on but they can’t expect you to instantly be different . It seems they haven’t accepted responsibility for what ever happened or apologised. Your mother-in-law obviously has a hide of steel but they can’t expect you to be the same . It’s very wise to still remain cautious about what they do. Just handle it your own way. Leave the WhatsApp group and put it down to not having enough memory on your phone. Works for me.

Delete WhatsApp if it's causing that much stress, they can't readd you then either.

Do you use the app to communicate with other people. Could you just delete the app. Or make a lame excuse that you are taking a break from social media and spending too much time on your phone and then leave the group.

I think the ongoing text messages is MIL pushing boundaries.

I have similar feelings about my MIL and life is so much better since we went low contact. DH takes DS every now and again for a visit and they manage to be civil to each other. I only see MIL at big family events on his side now, a few times a year. I would just leave the group (don't say anything) - your DH can facilitate contact.

May I ask what the incident was? Was it a real game-changer? Is it something you feel you could ever forgive and move on from in time, or did it just exactly highlight the sort of bad behaviour that is typical of your MIL?

Tbh it sounds like if you left the group you would be really panicked and so anxious whenever you saw her because you would have no idea what’s “coming”. Do not create any extra unnecessary turmoil for yourself by leaving the group, because it WILL create questions and further drama. Mute the conversation, let the messages build up if you don’t want to read them and then scroll past them all from time to time so they are cleared and not clogging up your notifications and move on. I said in a thread earlier I have my phone set on permanent ‘do not disturb’ mode. It’s genuinely great.

For the WhatsApp situation. How about pretending your phone has broke, deleting WhatsApp and if anyone asks, say you've got a replacement phone and haven't bothered installing the app again as you prefer to text.

Sorry, I may have been confused having read your other message, I thought you would still see her... you said you will see her every few months but also that you plan to no longer see her, so I don’t know which it is. If you still have to see her, I’d stand by the advice above but if you don’t then leave the group if you want, but from your tone from your posting I suspect this will cause you more anxiety and panic at the thought of them talking about you leaving the group, even if they’re not. Just scroll through the messages without reading them. I don’t know what phone you have but there’s surely settings where you don’t even get notified or alerted to messages anyway.

I would 100% leave the group.
Why don’t you just keep up the nc you’ve had at the moment and let your dh see them if he wants but at 4.5 hours away it’s not going to be all that often.

Don't leave the group

It looks childish and doesn't deal with the problem

Ideally I think you should find a private counsellor who can empower you to write a letter to MIL explaining what you want in your relationship with her going forwards.

Bullet points

Written kindly and compassionately but firmly.

Alternatively perhaps DH or your best friend can help you to write it

In the letter you can explain something spurious about the WhatsApp app and it's interaction with your phone and how you're going to be (sadly) deleting the app.

Leaving the group isn’t childish. If something makes you feel like this But whenever a whatsapp notification pops up on the family group I’m feeling pangs of anxiety and the knotting feeling in my stomach.
And you have the power to control it, it’s not childish it’s self preservation

How sad as that is the child's grandmother. ☹️

It sounds like your MIL is trying to move forward by forgetting the whole thing. But, tbh, if you cant agree then what else is there?

Do you want to move forward? If so I think thats the way you should go. Id reply to her when she contacts you, be nice. This is all for the sake of the family. If you dont care about that then go no contact, but be aware this will probably cause a rift. Leaving the whatsapp group will probably cause a problem too.

You could be me. My MIL tried to write me out of my own family.... with the added trouble that I don't really want the DC seeing her with just DH as he wouldn't pick up on inappropriate comments etc. It got far worse after baby arrived as she effectively wanted to be the centre of everything and wouldn't do anything we asked because she knew better.

She was hard work before the baby arrived but it got so much worse after. I also got firmer- while I was OK to tolerate her before, I was totally clear that I didn't want my daughter growing up thinking you have to be a doormat to appease family, or to see her own mother sitting there and taking it while being constantly critised. I got to the same point as you- if DH mentions they've emailed I get a knot in my stomach.

We tried to address it but it just made it worse. We also have the distance issue so can't even 'pop' in for a VERY short cup of tea every couple of weeks- it's all or nothing when we see them.

We've cut down to only seeing them a few times a year. We don't stay and theirs and don't invite them to stay at ours. We try to see them on neutral territory so we can head off and go home if we want, rather than being stuck in our house without being able to politely get rid of them. We usually also make it activity of some kind as they are terrible with the kids- no effort made play with or engage with them so we try to go to places that mean the kids will have fun memories of seeing them.

It's sad- I had always imagined it being easier than this. I want the girls to know both sides of their family and I'd like DH's parents to know their only grandchildren. However, they know that they need to be nice to me, and respect the few 'red lines' we've drawn on the parenting front, and all we get is "we're too old to change".

Fine, that's their choice, but for our sanity's sake it means we keep our distance.

Let your husband be on the wattsapp group, you dont need to be, they are his parents , not yours. Dont worry anout ww3, thats for your husband to deal with. If anything is said just ignore it.

I agree. Leaving the WhatsApp group ISN'T childish but I'll bet my bottom dollar that MIL will see it as childish (hence I said it'll look childish) and as the OP has anxiety issues, isn't the best idea to cover her back?

Anyway, that's what I'd do, OP

How sad as that is the child's grandmother. ☹️
There is always one.
Apparently being related to somebody excuses anything.