Hi OP, I think your husband did very well and is to be commended.
I think you being firm with him has helped him to see that you mean business.
She's awful and there are two ways around it.
You and the children are not going to see her.
Your husband has said he might go.
I think that's ok.
They are his parents.
You are not going.
Neither are your children.
Remind him that he is under any circumstances NOT to commit you or your children to a visit.
If he wants to see his parents, that is his decision.
Of course I understand you'd rather he didn't, but perhaps keep that to yourself and focus on what YOU want for your children and yourself.
Your anxiety I have no doubt is hugely heightened by having to interact with this awful woman.
You have to put yourself and your children first.
I have become very definite in my ideas as I've grown older....read much harder!
When I hear of people that are mean, nasty, vicious, manipulative I just don't care if they are on their own and lonely.
Whatever.
They have chosen to behave in this manner.
They have to accept the consequences.
Your MH is the critical thing, bar everything else in this situation.
Your children need a healthy mother.
Your oxygen mask has to put on first, in the airplane analogy, so that you can help your children.
Your children deserve a Mum who is well in herself.
This is why you have to be so firm with your husband.
He sounds like he is trying to be there for you.
By you being firm with him, it will give him the strength to deal with his mother.
Give him praise and tell him, there is No going back.
You are NOT accepting her behaviour any longer in your life.
Tell him your preferred position is that you never see her again.
I think you are doing great.
You sound like a really lovely woman who just wants a bit of peace from this nasty bully.
💐💐