Friend or DMIlL over my Birthday cards?

[JaimeBronde]

A few days ago DMIL popped over to see us, it was an impromptu visit as she was in passing but that doesn't matter as we usually get on quite well & to be fair she normally gives us advanced warning.
Now one of my friends had just come over for a pre arranged coffee. Now that in itself wasn't a problem as I knew DMIL wouldn't stop long & she's met my DFriend a few times over the years & they seem to get on well too.
It was my birthday last week (in this house we keep our cards up for at least at week or two)
DFriend who we'll call Lisa (not her name in real life)looks through some of my cards up on the mantelpiece & as we share a mutual friend who we'll call Kate (for this though obviously she's called something else in reality) Anyway Kate lives overseas.

Lisa picks up Kate's card & says I see Kate has remembered your love of foxes. (Kate sent me a card with a photo of a fox on it).
Then Lisa talks about her upcoming trip to see Kate & how the last year had been hard for her (Kate has a few problems but all sorted now)
Whilst Lisa is chatting she's also said that's a nice card from old neighbour. (Lisa knows how I miss old neighbour.)
Then Lisa tells me about the latest crazy thing her mad neighbour has done to annoy everyone.
Now DMIL joins in & says yes it's good Kate is on the mend & yes your neighbour is crazy.
DMIL then leaves after 20 mins as it was a flying visit.
Lisa stays for another hour.

Later that evening DMIL rings as she's left something behind at my house. She has a brief word with me & then talks to DH.

A bit later on I'm telling DH about Lisa's crazy neighbour's latest stunt.
DH says ''Mum thinks Lisa is very rude by looking through your birthday cards.'
I say 'What? All of my friends have a quick look at my cards & I don't mind as they are just showing interest & admiring them. Plus I look at theirs sometimes & none of us mind.'
(Plus we usually ask if we can look at the cards)
DH says 'No it's inappropriate & very rude'

DH & I end up having a row.

Now I don't think it's rude to look at someones birthday/Christmas cards though you should ask first & respect the cardholders wishes if they say no.

Am I & my friends being unreasonable or is DMIL?
Sorry for the long read & I know in the scheme of things it's really trivial, but it's annoyed me.

it is a personal thing she is your friend and your cards and you are fine with it - she hasnt overstepped boundaries with your relationship at all

Your DH is the one who is trying to tell you what you should feel about it

Your MIL should mind her own business, but if she has a problem should to talk to you herself and not bitch to your husband about it

I can see both sides of this one. If someone read my cards, it wouldn’t bother me, as if there was something I wanted to keep private I’d have not left it somewhere to be read.

That said, you wouldn’t read a letter for someone else if it was lying around as that would be rude..... and cards are addressed to an individual in the same way.

If you’re happy for her to read them, then that’s fine. Your DH would obviously not feel the same.

As you were present in the room and chatting about it I think it's ok. However I would be a bit taken aback if I came back from the loo or something and found my friend looking inside my cards. So I guess I think it's just about ok but slightly bordering on rude.

Not worth having a big row about though.

A friend looked at your birthday cards?

Oh my. What, looked at them and read the words?

Your MIL and DH need to get a fucking life.

I would glance at the pictures on the cards, but wouldn’t look inside.

Why is your husband getting involved at all? They are your cards and you didn't find it rude so it's nothing to do with him

Neither of you is wrong as such, you both have different opinions about it. Presumably Lisa asked if she could look through your cards and you said yes? If anyone asked your DH or MIL the same thing, they would be free to say no, as they have different boundaries and ideas about privacy from you. All fine. What is not fine is your DH trying to impose his opinion on you, saying Lisa is very rude just because his mother said it, and having an argument with you because you see it differently. It isn’t his or his mother’s business and I’d just tell him you’ll have to agree to disagree on the issue. Is he negative in general about your friends or is this a one-off?

I think it is a really rude thing to do.

But, if I were MIL, I wouldn't go complaining to your DH about it.

Imo cards are put up on display.
Displays are to be viewed...
Mil is as mad as the mad neighbour...
And dh is a twat!

Thank you & yes it depends on the cardholder.
And you're right I don't like to be told what to think or how my my opinions aren't valid.
There are times I don't agree with someone e.g another friend & I have different opinions on Brexit. We've discussed our opposing views & agree to disagree & realise that both opinions are valid. (Though privately we both think we are the right one )
DMIL is very kind but very judgemental at times.

And yes Lisa did ask me.

I always read cards at my granny's house or friends house. It's nice to ask the person about the card writer and chat about what they have written.

Your husband and his mum are fools! What a thing to get worked up about...

I agree with PP, if there's something private you don't have it on display.

Your MIL and DH are being unreasonable, controlling arseholes.

They must be very sad and lonely people if they don't even share the contents of their greetings cards with their friends. Why keep love and best wishes from people who love you a secret from the other people who love you? I don't get it, clearly

It is rude and not something I would ever do.

The cards are on display to be admired! If it’s private it would be put away in drawer.

What sort of thing does your MIL write in cards that means they are so secret?

Bloody hell OP talk about going round the houses!?

YANBU, it’s your cards and if you don’t mind anyone reading through them then nobody else should have a problem with it. And if you did mind then you wouldn’t put them up.
Also it’s a bit shitty of your MiL to stir up a row over something that is frankly between you and your friends. She didn’t need to bring your DH into it.

It's like they are trying to dictate the nature of your friendships.

It's for you to set your boundaries.

Your MIL is out of order.

I think we display more public things - hence they're OK for other to look at. Bank statements and things like that we keep in a private place. Your mantelpiece is public. I think your DH and MIL are a bit bonkers tbh.

What business is it of your MIL anyway, or your DH for that matter? They're your friends and if you're happy for them to read your cards, crack on. It sounds like your MIL wanted to stir up trouble between you and your DH.

IT is neither reasonable nor unreasonable to be happy about people looking at your cards; to look through the cards of someone who doesn't mind ; or to want to keep them private.

What is unreasonable is for your DMiL t be 'reporting back' to your dh about it.

What is very unreasonable is that your dh feels he can then make some judgemental pronouncement about it, as if he is somehow in charge of what everyone in the house should 'feel'

It is a completely ridiculous thing to have a row about - I'd have just raised an eyebrow at such an announcement and questioned since when my own "privacy settings" were anyone else's business.

each to their own in my opinion, Your DH and MIL are being unreasonable to try and push their opinions on it on you though

My grandmother always hands me her stack of cards she's received to look through. I do so and make some comments. She clearly likes it.

Personally I'd never ask to look through people's cards, or offer mine up. But if someone asked to look through mine I'd let them, nothing worth hiding in them