Friend or DMIlL over my Birthday cards?

[JaimeBronde]

A few days ago DMIL popped over to see us, it was an impromptu visit as she was in passing but that doesn't matter as we usually get on quite well & to be fair she normally gives us advanced warning.
Now one of my friends had just come over for a pre arranged coffee. Now that in itself wasn't a problem as I knew DMIL wouldn't stop long & she's met my DFriend a few times over the years & they seem to get on well too.
It was my birthday last week (in this house we keep our cards up for at least at week or two)
DFriend who we'll call Lisa (not her name in real life)looks through some of my cards up on the mantelpiece & as we share a mutual friend who we'll call Kate (for this though obviously she's called something else in reality) Anyway Kate lives overseas.

Lisa picks up Kate's card & says I see Kate has remembered your love of foxes. (Kate sent me a card with a photo of a fox on it).
Then Lisa talks about her upcoming trip to see Kate & how the last year had been hard for her (Kate has a few problems but all sorted now)
Whilst Lisa is chatting she's also said that's a nice card from old neighbour. (Lisa knows how I miss old neighbour.)
Then Lisa tells me about the latest crazy thing her mad neighbour has done to annoy everyone.
Now DMIL joins in & says yes it's good Kate is on the mend & yes your neighbour is crazy.
DMIL then leaves after 20 mins as it was a flying visit.
Lisa stays for another hour.

Later that evening DMIL rings as she's left something behind at my house. She has a brief word with me & then talks to DH.

A bit later on I'm telling DH about Lisa's crazy neighbour's latest stunt.
DH says ''Mum thinks Lisa is very rude by looking through your birthday cards.'
I say 'What? All of my friends have a quick look at my cards & I don't mind as they are just showing interest & admiring them. Plus I look at theirs sometimes & none of us mind.'
(Plus we usually ask if we can look at the cards)
DH says 'No it's inappropriate & very rude'

DH & I end up having a row.

Now I don't think it's rude to look at someones birthday/Christmas cards though you should ask first & respect the cardholders wishes if they say no.

Am I & my friends being unreasonable or is DMIL?
Sorry for the long read & I know in the scheme of things it's really trivial, but it's annoyed me.

Killing myself that you had a row about that.
Seriously .

If it's on display in my house in a 'public'/'reception' room, then anyone can look at it. If it's private, it goes away into a private area or closed drawer etc.

Anyway, what's the point of subtle boasting with invitations on the mantleshelf if no one looks at them?! 😂

Your MIL and DH are bonkers.

If cards are out on display in your living room or kitchen then they are there to be read, admired, and commented on. Private correspondence is put away with the bills and whatnot.

Well you now know your MIL is a judgemental snitch and DH not much better.

I wouldn't dream of looking at the inside of a card but couldn't give a flying fig if someone read my cards which is a bit weird.

My MIL always encourages me to read her birthday or Christmas cards, it gives her great pleasure. I'll comment along the lines of 'Oh Aunty X sent a card, how lovely. Has she recovered from her surgery/fright'

Thank you all for your input & although I see most agree with me, I can understand how some people are very private & would not like it. Though those people wouldn't be rude back & rubbish my viewpoint & what my friends, myself & a large amount of people do think about this matter.

Yes it is a completely daft thing to have a row about but the row was about my view being not important or 'stupid'.
I'll just tell DMIL to wind her neck in next time & if she complains I'll just explain that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
Apart from her habit of hoicking up her judgy pearls at times, or whatever the saying is, she is very kind & helpful. She just has no filter.
We all have our own foibles.
And to be absolutely fair my own Mum has her infuriating moments & I know I certainly do. We all do.

I went through someone's set today! They were in their kitchen as we were chatting. There were some hilarious ones so I wanted to see who had the great sense of humour. Didn't think to ask. Person didn't mind!

If they're on display they are for people to comment on and look at. Your MIL was put out & jealous your friend is so close & has such shared history with you re your mutual friend & neighbour stories. Ignore both DH & MIL.

You had a row over it?

Both of them are bang out of order. Your cards, your choice. Why the hell would your mil care that your friend was looking at your cards with your permission? Weird.

What? Some people think this is 'very rude'? I would definitely browse someone's cards while they were in the loo etc, would never occur to me that I needed to ask permission. They are on display?!

If it would bother your MIL, that’s up to her. It doesn’t bother you, which is all that matters in this scenario.

I think it's rude and I'd probably mention it like your MIL did.

I wouldn't read someone's cards, I think it's very rude.

I think it’s rude to actually pick up and read someone else’s cards, unless they specifically say to you to do it. Maybe different with very close family members but no, I wouldn’t like distant family or friends doing it.

I do appreciate others may feel differently about this though.

Fil reads our cards and I hate it. He's never, ever bought me a card and doesn't know whom they are off so is just being nosy and very irritating.

If you don't mind it's not for your mil or DH to disagree. If this ok for your friendship group, then crack on.

I'd tell your DH to butt out and talk to your mil. I'd say it's fine for my friends but I'll agree we won't look at each others cards so she has no need to worry. Your friend won't go to her house so it's unlikely to crop up. I'd also say the coffee date was pre-arranged and it would be better for her to check before coming over so she doesn't bump into your "rude" friend.

There's nothing positive can come from her raising this. It's self centred to be so judgemental. People that like to push their opinions often have the thinnest skin. It is true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? If not all three then it's best to keep their opinion to themselves.

In ye olden days , cards and invitations were always displayed in prominent places, eg mantelpiece or side table , in order that visitors could peruse them to check out your popularity and your standing in society. This is why you display them, whereas letters are private and hidden away.
If you display cards, then any visitor is ‘allowed’ to view them. Same as trinkets and ornaments.
So, a friend or neighbour would be perfectly in order to waltz into your lounge and pick up a card and say “oh I see that Lord and Lady Farquhar have sent you good wishes.”
Obviously this sounds pompous , these days, but cards, on display, are fair game. I believe that certain eschelons of society still display invites/cards on their mantelpieces.

Only the lower classes thought that this was a problem!!! ( hint!)

i don’t mind people reading cards displayed downstairs, my family often read them. Me and dp often write quite personal messages in our cards to each other, so leave them in our bedroom, so others don’t read them.

Bloody weird thing to have a row about though.

DH is a massive tit.

i personally dont like people looking through my cards and wouldnt look through someone elses. for that reason they get put away the day after my birthday (sometimes same day). However I think its totally personal choice. If you dont mind then MIL is being unreasonable and its got nothing to do with her. Your friend could say its rude of MIL to drop by unannounced and stay for a cup of tea while you have company. it would be her personal opinion.

Wouldn’t bother me. Unless they picked one up that said “Merry Christmas from all of us at the clap clinic”.

Why have a row when a simple “what the fuck has it got to do with your mother?” will do

DMiL & DH are impossibly unreasonable.

Also weird.

Do they have other undermining & controlling tricks up their sleeves for you over trivial non-events? Do they enjoy wrong-footing you?

It's either bizarre & laughable (at them, not with them), or slightly sinister that your mum & husband conspired about this nonsense during a phone call & DH decided to gang up against you with you mum. Why would he do that? Over such utterly trivial nonsense?

Also - why have you not simply told the pair of them that they are your birthday cards, not theirs, & you don't give a shit who looks at them, & that they can fuck off with criticising your friend?

ooops MiL, not DM or mum - sorry.

DH & I end up having a row.

Aha, the plot thickens.
Does MiL have form for shit-stirring?
Does she enjoy driving a wedge between you & DH?

They're your cards, and you didn't mind, so why does your dh even care?