To not want older DD to be 'taken off my hands'

[namechange496932]

Due my second DC in a couple of months. Whilst I know everyone is trying their best to be helpful I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not. Basically a lot of family and friends are offering to take my older DD off my hands when baby comes. I haven't really given an answer just thanked them. My issue is whilst on the one hand I might be very sleep deprived and grateful for any help. I also want to make sure DD does not feel pushed out. I don't often leave her with others and I don't think it suddenly changing when the baby arrives is a good idea. AIBU?

You’re very lucky to have offers of help. See how you feel when the baby’s here.

It’s great there offering to help but your DD is going to need her mummy too. My DD has a tough time when her brother arrived. If I had sent her away I think that would have been traumatic for her. Like she was being replaced. She had been my world for 3 yrs and I wouldn’t have sent her away due to a new arrival. She can help with baby and get involved that way

There is a happy medium, they aren't asking to permanently adopt your daughter! Believe me, there'll come a time when you're grateful of offers of help. If babysitting isn't the help you want, tell them what is.

Why not start doing a bit here and there before the baby comes? That way she wont associate it with the baby coming. I'm sure people aren't envisioning taking her lots and lots. Just the odd day out here and there. Bet she'll love it. As for that time all the focus is on her, and not shared with the baby.

It's not really a case of being reasonable or unreasonable. People are being very nice to offer, but you know DD best and might feel she'd rather stay with you on some occasions. Maybe you could ask the person to come to your home and play with her there, so you're still close by?

Just have them play with her when you are close by. You will be glad if it, i am sure!

I think they are being kind. I didn't really have this offered. DD was really easy baby/toddler. However it was really hard for a while having both -19 months apart so both in nappies & needing me a lot. Maybe get DD used to seeing other people so she's used to it. You might be grateful once baby arrives.

If you have a C section you will need some help. Not least while you’re in hospital

Does she not already spend time away from you? If not start now!!

It only needs to be a couple of hours but you will appreciate the rest so much.

Why would you need your dd being removed

This time, no matter how old or young Is about her and her baby sibling bonding. Helping to change nappies putting baby down for a nap and being able to relax in the living room with her so she feels special.

I certainly wouldn't be happy with an older child being away from home overnight when a new baby comes, but some exciting days out (swimming, soft play, wildlife park etc) with a trusted friend or relative would be win win for a very sleep deprived new mum.

My mother took my older child off my hands each time I had another baby, but she did it by staying at my house, so that the older children were still on familiar territory, with family around them plus the new baby there too.

My Mum cooked all meals, did school and preschool runs and generally entertained and supervised the older children while I settled with the baby. It worked well. Could you do something like that, as that way your DD might not feel too pushed out.

I remember being so offended when my Nanna came to visit and offered to take my eldest out for a walk. I thought she was suggesting I couldn't cope and got proper upset that she wanted to take my child away

In hindsight she was trying to give me a bit of breathing space because it's rather intense in the early days.

Try not to read too much in to it like I did, I didn't help anyone back then, least of all myself

So just say 'thanks for your kind offer, we' ll see how we are getting on. '

Please don’t be afraid to ask for whatever you need. I have a toddler; a friend with a son the same age has recently had another. I always offer to help with the older one because that’s the easiest thing to imagine, but frankly if she asked me to come round and do the laundry/buy bread and milk/whatever I would welcome it. People mainly just want to help and need to be directed.

My mum cared for my little boy overnight while I was in hospital for two nights after csection. We had planned to collect him on way back from hospital but she offered the third night and I was so grateful because I was in awful pain. He arrived home the next morning and it was lovely. After that, we were mostly together but different family members spent time with him one-to-one attention - things like out to the local playground or staying in and doing a craft ir lego. My attention was divided with a newborn and a toddler so I was grateful that he was getting to spend time doing nice things with people that loved him.

It's hard with two especially in those first few weeks. You don't have to make a decision now but people are more than likely offering out of kindness.

Thanks everyone I will just have to see how I feel when the time comes. I think the suggestion of just asking people to come over rather than taking DD out might be a good idea. I've been worrying a lot about DDs reaction to new baby so this is affecting how I feel at minute.
She does go to nursery two days a week already which I'm definitely going to keep her doing. So I do feel I will have help them days already.

YABU

people are offering help and you’re creating a post moaning about it.

Some people have no help at all

Maybe your older kid will get bored of being around the baby and want to go and have fun with others.

When I was so sleep deprived with newborn dc2 and recovering from the birth, I was so thankful to lovely family and friends who took dc1 to the park for a runaround or walked him to the shops for a treat.
I felt so guilty that he was stuck indoors with me during those early weeks.
See how you go.

YABU

Why not frame it as Big Girl Treats?
Now she's a Big Sister, she gets to go out for a special visit with Nana, Auntie Helen, playday with Dylan etc

That way you get some rests, she's getting a reward rather than being shunted out of the way. She gets one-to-one attention from her friends and extended family, you have extra time to focus on the newborn.

Definitely don't turn down the help. Giving birth can have any number of complications (I ended up staying in 4 days after giving birth for multiple reasons) so the help would be vital. Also, as a PP had mentioned, if you have a c section you'll definitely need help. It's not a small operation- you need time to fully recover, and you can't drive in that time, so help with pick ups/drop offs will be necessary.

Just see how things go. How your birth is, how the baby is, etc. Play it by ear.

I think having people come over to help and going from there is a great idea, maybe take her out to the park so she can get out rather than for the day. I was taken on holiday by grandparents when a sibling was born and at 3 I did feel like I was being replaced.

I had this with baby 3 mil came and took ds nearly everyday , I hated it and put a stop to it , I could never get a routine going if it carried on .older dd was at school at the time . I know she was just helping but I found it more annoying . I didn't need him to be taken away

Maybe if people want to help you could suggest other things they could do, like run a vacuum around, do a load of washing, cook a meal?