To not want older DD to be 'taken off my hands'

[namechange496932]

Due my second DC in a couple of months. Whilst I know everyone is trying their best to be helpful I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not. Basically a lot of family and friends are offering to take my older DD off my hands when baby comes. I haven't really given an answer just thanked them. My issue is whilst on the one hand I might be very sleep deprived and grateful for any help. I also want to make sure DD does not feel pushed out. I don't often leave her with others and I don't think it suddenly changing when the baby arrives is a good idea. AIBU?

I'd just reply with 'thank you for offering to have DD when I am giving birth, that will be so useful. DH will collect her as soon as the baby is born so she can meet her new sister' and let them correct your assumption if they want to. To the others, you can just say it's already arranged but thank you very much for offering.

How old is she?

Are people too far away to come to the house & help?

Mine are 22months apart & MIL, who just had my husband & my mum who had us two 4yrs apart, couldn't conceive of how I could cope & wanted to be around every day!

But I did cope at my own pace & it was easy tbh.

I agree with wait & see.

Yes it’s kind of people to offer. Thing is, people tend to offer to do the fun stuff. I had very little help when DS2 came along - DS1 is a sensitive soul and would have got upset at what he’d see as being sent away, and he was really no bother when DS2 was a baby. Nobody offered to run the hoover round or even make me a cup of tea though - that’s the sort of help that would have made a massive difference to me.

My first was also easy to entertain whilst I was feeding the baby-would play with toys on the floor or we would look at books together.

Just wanted to be with us & included.

I was the same OP. I wasn't grateful for offers and never took anyone up on it. Occasionally ds went to grandparents for an overnight but it was more for their benefit than mine or his. I was only too happy to get him back. It's fine to feel like that whatever anyone on here says

You know yourself and your oldest best and what you think will be helpful to you. So ask those offering help to do what will be useful to you. E.g. coming over to play / feed / do nursery runs / trip to the park with your oldest. Or do the shopping and cook or clean.

I wouldn't say an outright no to suggestions of taking your oldest out until after you've had the baby as you wont know what your baby will be like / how your birth is / how your older child will react until then - just suggest possible alternatives until you see how you're all doing after.

Just play it by ear

You might be very grateful for the help in getting her to and from nursery also.

Yanbu - when I had twins I actually said to my mum if you want to help please come and look after the dt so I can spend time with Ds1. It was the best help I could have had - dm bonded with her grandchildren, she felt part of our lives and actively wanted to be but Ds1 never felt pushed out. We were still in the house all together but Ds1 and me could read together, longer bathtime, bake etc. I think you know what's best for you all as a family don't refuse the help now because you don't know what you'll need at the time, alot will depend on how dd takes new dc.

Missed about her being at nursery!

Yes, it might be useful to have someone to take her there for you & you might find that those two days are more than enough of a break from each other.

It is nice to be able to spend time just with the 2nd as a baby like you were able to with the first.

Also great for the chance of a nap if baby is obliging & sleeps then!

Just say thank you for ypur thoughtful offer and keep it in mind. You don't know how it will go. You might like it, or you might need someone to take him to the playground if you need longer to recover, or you might have a baby that needs to stay in hospital for a bit and you want to be there too without keeping DS busy. Or you might want to go to the hairdressers or have a poo alone, who knows.

Start having people take her out now, to the park, to soft play, a cafe, whatever. Frame it as special time, a real treat for her so that when it happens when baby is here she sees it as exciting and time just for her.

I would have been seriously grateful for the support

What I found invaluable was people who a) took older child for special treats when younger was little (so not just our-out for a treat. One of my nieces took her out for ice cream in the snow - one of her happiest memories) and b)took the baby out for a walk in the pram so I could
time with dd without him even in the house, so I didn’t have an ear cocked for him.

I had DD when DS was 2.6 yo.

My DDad used to walk for miles with DD in her pram ( he was of the belief that babies like to have fresh air while moving ) .
Often DDad and DMum took the two DC to the park, sometimes I asked them to take DD and I had some time with DS , which was lovely .

DD was at absolute gem as a baby , slept loads and born in the Summer . (DS was a little toad as a baby but I knew no different )

Jenie Mack, people aren't offering to take her permanently. They're offering to take her out for a few hours, spoil her, bring her somewhere she wouldn't otherwise go that particular day, have a bit of fun, could be playground, could be café for hot chocolate and a gun, (could be out shopping to buy something nice for mum!!)

Trust me, nobody wants to "take" her. They want to mind her for a couple of hours to give her a bit of attention and give you and baby a bit of rest time. She will still live with you and most likely be in your house with her new sibling 20 out of the 24 hours of the day, probably 6 days a week . People have their own stuff to do too, so your daughter won't be in demand 7 days a week!!

When they're both a little bigger and killing each other you'll be glad of someone taking one or other of them off for a few hours!!

People are trying to be helpful. Loads of offers now, but chances are when the time comes and you're looking for someone there mightn't be quite so many available to you.

How rude of them! Tell them to that you don't appreciate their attempts to take her.

YABU
You’re lucky to get help offered, it’s not adoption. Some people don’t realise how lucky they are...

Yanbu. I found this very hard although it is done out of kindness.
I realised when DS came I needed the help. He was born crying screamed for a year.
It use to kill me when friends and family took gentle DD leaving me with screaming DS.
Hopefully your experience will be different.
Take the help, you'll have very little extra time for the older DC in the first few weeks.

Hot chocolate and a bun!!!

I echo pp start letting her go before the baby comes so it doesn't like she is bring sent because of baby.
2nd DC is so hard while trying to keep first happy too.

hot chocolate and a gun

TellMeWho Freudian slip there but you'd have been my DS favourite auntie ( Action Man fan I didn't weapon up my 2yo)

I understand entirely.

A long time ago (DD2 is 15 now and DD1 is 18), when DD2 was born, slightly early after a scary emergency section, my DMIL (who I get on with very very well), in the spirit of helpfulness, organised with my DH to have DD1 for whole days at a time when we came home from hospital. It was July and they went on days out from 9am - 5pm a few times. I missed DD1 so much I felt it as physical pain. I am normally very assertive but my brain was a bit addled and I just felt unable to articulate what I wanted. After a few days I organised things to suit us much better. The intentions were kind. But it wasn’t what either I or DD1 really needed/wanted at the time.

I’d not commit to anything at all in advance. What would have worked better for us was having someone on hand to play with DD1 in the same house for a couple of hours in the late afternoon before DH came home.

If their older generation, like me, they are probably big believers in getting children out of the house. So they are recognising that you might not be up to getting out as much as you'd like and taking her out, instead.

There's also being aware of how quick the newborn stage goes, we often don't get to enjoy our babies as much as we should.

Don't underestimate the emotional side of feeling that you're not giving either one your best. Although your second is easier than your first.

Play it by ear. You don't have to commit to anything.

Oh I remember this so well. I’d just had ds2 and was already emotional about my little ds1 who was only 18 months adjusting to having a sibling and people kept taking him out to give me a break. It’s nice to have help and they mean well but it can be so hard. All I wanted was for someone to take the baby out and let me just spend time with ds1 just the two of us again.

It was really hard to spend time apart from him but it did help me recover from the birth and bond with the baby, and also got him out of the house doing fun things instead of stuck indoors all day with us.

I would say accept offers of help but if you’re finding it too upsetting it’s ok not to take up peoples offers. You’ll be ok though. In a few months you’ll be able to get one on one time back with your eldest and soon enough you’ll be begging those people to take them both off your hands for a bit

How old is your daughter? If she's old enough to be asked if she wants to go out with her grandparents or whoever then
I'd give her the choice as she won't feel like she's just being taken away.

My son was 5 when my daughter was born so he was at school during the day but he liked to be with us on the whole even if he was offered a trip somewhere with someone else. We both made sure we spent time with him each day and he never seemed to be jealous of his new sister. They have always had a really lovely relationship with each other.

It's really good that you have lots of offers of help though as going from one to two children takes a little getting used to for everyone.

You are bringing your DD a lovely new sibling, you are doing her a favour rather than doing her any harm. Try to think of it that way.
Your DD will cope just fine with the new baby. At the minute, it's you that has the problem of trying to feel her feelings for her in advance. She won't experience going to someone's house for a fun afternoon as 'being pushed out'. Only in your mind is it framed like that.
Try to take it day by day. You don't need everything planned in advance.
A lot of how your DD reacts or affects of having a sibling in the longer term, will be due to the personality she already has, and not by anything you do when the new baby arrives...unless that is a massive departure from your usual.
If you are already a nice person treating your DD with love and respect there there's no reason to think that will change with a new baby.
I think you are just feeling protective and this is part and parcel of where you are at at this moment in time with the pregnancy.