Thinking about leaving Husband (7 month old baby)

[LaceyB123]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here so I hope I have posted in the right place! I really don't know where to turn right now. I've tried searching previous posts but I can't find anything that relates to my situation.

My husband and I have been together for 3 years and have recently got married. We have a 7 month old son. Things haven't always been fantastic between us but we've always tried to work hard at our relationship and when things are good they are great, but since having our DS we have just been having one argument after another and I guess it's shown some major cracks in our relationship.

I've been thinking about either taking some breathing space for a bit or leaving altogether as I've just about had enough. He rarely helps with DS and is lazy around the house. He's rude to me and makes me feel terrible about myself. Here's a few examples of what he says to me:

I'm miserable and have a face like a smacked arse 24/7. None of our friends and family like me.
He insults my friends and family, claiming he has no interest in spending time with my friends and my family are a 'sh*t family'.
Whenever I get my hair/nails done or decide to dress up nicely, he tells me that I'm doing it for the attention of other men.
He accuses me of texting other men and when I've asked for some breathing space before, he's accused me of 'running away to another man's house'.
He's told me that I have a pathetic, sad, boring life.
I do all the night duties with DS, and he has laughed at how tired I've been.

Here's some examples of how he is with our DS (bearing in mind he's currently off work and has been for months):
He's never done a night feed (DS has been bottle fed from birth as he insisted he wanted to be involved)
He sleeps on the sofa in the spare room as DS is 'disruptive during the night'.
I can't remember when he last changed a nappy.
When DS is crying he shouts at him to 'shut up' and 'stop whinging all the time'.
During the days when we are at home he leaves me to entertain DS during the day and goes into another room to either watch TV or play video games.

He doesn't help around the house at all so all of that is left to me aswell.

I've tried to understand that having our DS was a massive change and that he's probably found it all just as had as me, but I can't take much more. I've tried to explain everything to him but he tells me that I'm 'playing the victim' and that I don't have it 'that bad'. He insists that he has provided everything that I've ever wanted and yet I'm never happy.

AIBU? Is breathing space what we maybe need to gain some perspective or will that makes things worse? Any advice is greatly appreciated!

Please leave him, you’re doing it alone anyway so it won’t be much harder for you. The relief you will feel for not being around him will change your life. Leave don’t bring your son up around this poor excuse for a man. Why doesn’t he work? Why doesn’t he help in the house? Why doesn’t he help at night? He sounds like a looser. You don’t sound like a looser and that’s why he puts you down. Leave him.

It sounds like you just don't like him.

You are in an abusive relationship I'm afraid. You will suffer, your precious baby will suffer.

I'd recommend asking MNHQ to move this to the Relationships board where you will get some brilliant support and advice.

I would suggest you look up abusive behaviour and see what resonates. I think your gut instinct to get away from him is probably spot on.

Why wouldnt you leave him? He doesn't look after you or your son, doesn't support you or make you happy, accuses you of cheating and is rude to you.

If you are staying for the sake of your son, please reconsider. It will be much easier now while he has no concept of what's going on, than years down the line when you've both been broken down by your horrible husband.

Definitely leave. He’s not partner material.

No point in staying with this man. Hes a crap husband and a crap dad. Abusive as hell too. Leave, you and your son deserve better. It will never get better than this op. Sorry.

Leave him and don’t look back. You don’t him and his emotional abuse.
Do you have somewhere you can go? Friends? Family?

Don’t listen to BitOfFun if you don’t like him you are entitled to based on the way he is with you.

I pressed to read this thinking it was just another couple struggling to find their way after a baby it happens, however your ‘D’H is not a nice person, he is controlling lazy and manipulative. I think you would be 100% better of leaving.

You need to leave him. This is never going to get better and will more than likely just get worse.
He is abusive to you and even worse neglectful and abusive to your baby who is unable to protect himself.
You need to leave for your childs sake.

You are in an abusive relationship. The best thing for you and your child is to leave this man.

Make sure you get legal advice and that he pays his fair share of child maintenance. I read so many comments on mumsnet from women who have never received a penny and haven’t bothered asking for it. You are already a single parent but you will need financial assistance if you are going to go it alone.

Who owns your house? What will happen if you ask him to move out?

The thing is your son does have a concept of whats going on, these early years are so important , if you wont do it for yourself do it for the developmental wellbeing of your child

I was ready to come on and say don’t make any big decisions, the first year with a baby is hard...but you sound really unhappy and the behaviour you describe is not nice at all. It’s abusive and you need to protect your baby from this. Do you have a support network who could help you?

To be honest breathing space won't be enough. It won't change what kind of man your husband is. He is emotionally abusing you and he has now started abusing your 7 month old son. Your son won't understand the words he says yet, but even babies will feel unsafe and frightened hearing aggressive words. Is that what you want for your baby, for you? Surely you both deserve more? I think you need to look up coercive control and speak to women's aid. You need to seek legal advice, do you have access to funds, family or friends you can turn to? Your husband is not a kind or decent man, people who are nice and have their partners best interest at heart do not say these things. Everything he says is designed to make you feel small, unloveable, a failure. You are none of these things. He has shown you who he is (unkind, unpleasant, manipulative) believe him! Leave him.

I know it's a lot easier said than done but if you can, please leave. You are doing everything yourself anyway but with the added cloud of resentment knowing he is in the next room doing nothing. It makes it so much worse. If you leave you will probably have less housework/dishes/washing if it's just you and your baby anyway. I have a 7 month old DS too and its sad to read that your DS was being told to shut up when crying, just an innocent wee baby. I know he won't understand the words but it's the tone. Can imagine it getting worse when he is a toddler when things do get harder and a lot of patience is required.

@BitOfFun
Not much to like really.

He's shouting at a baby

OP, Please leave. It will get worse

Please enlist the support of your friends and family and leave. I lost count of the red flags in your first post. Even one or two of those would be enough to leave in my book. Look up the freedom programme.

Please leave this so called man! You will always be his emotional punch bag and he will always put his son down to be the alpha male, he'll destroy your son and his future to keep him beneath him.
Your son won't be able to strive in this home, he'll never feel pride for your son if he does well just jealousy and he'll play down all his achievements, leave while you still have your soul.

You’ve answered your own question.

It’s a huge step and I think the addition of a child makes women even more reluctant to ‘break up a family’ but you and your ds deserve much, much better.

You’ve had to transition into being a parent, that’s no excuse for his behaviour. Is he off work ill? Still no excuse for behaving like a bullying bellend; he’s still an adult and doesn’t get to strop about taking it out on people smaller than him or because he’s got an advantage over people who care about him.

He’s not a helpless tortured soul needing endless allowances and pats on the head, he’s an adult. Tbh even if he was vulnerable in some way you haven’t disclosed doesn’t mean you and your ds have to be whipping boys. It’s not like it’s helping anything is it?

The fact this piece of shit shouts at his baby is why you should be leaving.

His own child! At 7 months old your son is likely to feel fear of his father. Please don't allow this to continue. Protect your child and get out of this relationship.

The rest of it is bad too. Each sentence you write is enough in itself to leave. As a whole it is, at best, a dysfunctional relationship. You and your son deserve better.

Seems like you are doing everything anyway so what does he bring to the family unit?

It doesn't sound like there are cracks in the relationship, it sounds abusive.

Please speak to someone close in real life and tell them exactly what he's doing, hopefully they can support you properly to leave.

You are both miserable together, and he’s going to make your baby miserable too as soon as the baby is old enough to notice his dad just finds him a nuisance. If the relationship was always a bit rocky it’s never going to get any better than that and is probably going to get worse.

Leave now. Yes it will probably be emotionally and practically difficult but the sooner the better.

There are plenty of reasons to leave him but the main one for me is him shouting at your baby.

You might think, oh the baby doesn't realise but imagine him shouting at a toddler in the same way, losing his temper when your dc cries or has a tantrum.

As pp have said, this will get worse.

Do you have family near by? Did you work before the baby, do you have a job you'll be going back to?

What a heart breaking read ❤️.

You don't mention the practicalities of your home ( rented/ mortgage) nor where your money comes from.

This "relationship" has to end though, for the sake of your baby.

Your husband sounds depressed, but that is no reason for him to drag you down.

If you have the money to move, move out. Set yourself up as a new unit. Even 5 years post leaving my husband I cannot describe the joy I feel at opening MY front door and knowing that I have nothing to fear on the inside. Before I would DREAD opening the door to a house full of doom and misery.

If you don't have money for a deposit for a new place, start saving, or investigate whether you can get him to move out. ( My husband refused, so I spent months secretly saving). Don't alert him to these thoughts. He sounds very controlling and knowing this will make him anxious and potentially violent.

Citizens Advice will help you.

Good luck.

Agree with everyone else - you dont need breathing space, you need an exit.

Your husband is appalling.