Thinking about leaving Husband (7 month old baby)

[LaceyB123]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here so I hope I have posted in the right place! I really don't know where to turn right now. I've tried searching previous posts but I can't find anything that relates to my situation.

My husband and I have been together for 3 years and have recently got married. We have a 7 month old son. Things haven't always been fantastic between us but we've always tried to work hard at our relationship and when things are good they are great, but since having our DS we have just been having one argument after another and I guess it's shown some major cracks in our relationship.

I've been thinking about either taking some breathing space for a bit or leaving altogether as I've just about had enough. He rarely helps with DS and is lazy around the house. He's rude to me and makes me feel terrible about myself. Here's a few examples of what he says to me:

I'm miserable and have a face like a smacked arse 24/7. None of our friends and family like me.
He insults my friends and family, claiming he has no interest in spending time with my friends and my family are a 'sh*t family'.
Whenever I get my hair/nails done or decide to dress up nicely, he tells me that I'm doing it for the attention of other men.
He accuses me of texting other men and when I've asked for some breathing space before, he's accused me of 'running away to another man's house'.
He's told me that I have a pathetic, sad, boring life.
I do all the night duties with DS, and he has laughed at how tired I've been.

Here's some examples of how he is with our DS (bearing in mind he's currently off work and has been for months):
He's never done a night feed (DS has been bottle fed from birth as he insisted he wanted to be involved)
He sleeps on the sofa in the spare room as DS is 'disruptive during the night'.
I can't remember when he last changed a nappy.
When DS is crying he shouts at him to 'shut up' and 'stop whinging all the time'.
During the days when we are at home he leaves me to entertain DS during the day and goes into another room to either watch TV or play video games.

He doesn't help around the house at all so all of that is left to me aswell.

I've tried to understand that having our DS was a massive change and that he's probably found it all just as had as me, but I can't take much more. I've tried to explain everything to him but he tells me that I'm 'playing the victim' and that I don't have it 'that bad'. He insists that he has provided everything that I've ever wanted and yet I'm never happy.

AIBU? Is breathing space what we maybe need to gain some perspective or will that makes things worse? Any advice is greatly appreciated!

“He accuses me of texting other men and when I've asked for some breathing space before, he's accused me of 'running away to another man's house'.
He's told me that I have a pathetic, sad, boring life.
I do all the night duties with DS, and he has laughed at how tired I've been.”

If this is par for the course then he sounds like a Grade A* asshole and I would ask whether your child would be better off growing up without such a person in his life. Doesn’t sound like he would miss him by the sound of it. Poor kid.

When I read the title I was ready to come here and say try marital counselling, give it a chance etc, but having read your post I think you should leave.

He isn’t interested in contributing equally to the relationship, he is being emotionally abusive towards you and your child. Get out now whilst your son is young enough to avoid major disruption to his life. Do you have anywhere you can go?

Things haven't always been fantastic between us but we've always tried to work hard at our relationship and when things are good they are great
I struggle to imagine how things could be “great” with such a person who has the faults/behaviors you go on to list. Doesn’t sound like he has any respect for you or your family. How could that ever be great?

This sounds like an abusive relationship. Leaving permanently is the only way his abuse will stop - if you leave temporarily he will put on a show to convince you to take him back and then as soon as he's comfortable you're stuck he will revert to this and worse.

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 (yes, it is bad enough for you to ask for their help, support and advice)

Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - they can give you info to help you make sense and help you understand why we are describing this as abuse. They also teach about healthy relationships so you have a model for the future.

Police 101 - non-physical abuse (coercive control) is a crime and they can help you if he won't leave. If you feel unsafe or in danger do not hesitate to call them on 999 instead. (And no asking the police for help does not mean your baby will be taken away if he's ever threatened that to scare you into staying).

Why isn't he at work? Whose property is it?

Simple answer - leave

This is not somewhere you or your child deserve to be. You know this deep down.
Good luck OP it's not an easy decision but it will be the right one x

Oh my goodness. Like others I came on to say don't be too hasty, life is hard with a young baby. I rarely say LTB.

However reading your post, I think he sounds absolutely horrible. Please be careful not to get pregnant again with him (a lot of women mistakenly think it won't happen when first one is a baby, and a lot of controlling men keep their partner pregnant as a form of control so they can't leave). Good luck

I read the title and was thinking how you shouldn’t make a life changing decision in the first year after birth.

Then I read your post and you are in an abusive relationship. You and your son deserve better so please leave.

This is one of the easiest "LTB"s I've ever written. The guy sounds fucking horrible.

I came on here to say I had my doubts about dh when kids arrived. I think it was pnd.
But yours sounds like a complete dick. Sorry op, that's not a partner.

You need permanent breathing space. He sounds horrible.

This isnt how life should be OP, and its certainly not a healthy environment for your baby. Your OH needs to grow up but pls dont wait for him to finally do that - get on with being happy, and considering how hes treating your baby you need to leave - sorry.

Oh my word. You don’t need breathing space you need a divorce. What an absolute knob he sounds. Clearly this is not a loving and supportive relationship. I would go and see a solicitor. Most of them will give an hours free legal advice. Then I would make plans to leave and go through with it. Good luck. You deserve better and so does your child. 💐

Thanks for everyone's replies.

Wow, I guess I had never really looked at it as a form of emotional abuse, I thought perhaps I was being a bit too sensitive!

In answer to everyone's questions, we currently live with his parents for financial reasons (which makes the whole 'leaving' process even more difficult. His mum and dad are wonderful and have done nothing wrong). I do have personal savings but nowhere near enough to move out and into our own place. Luckily my mum and dad live not too far away and have enough space at their place for both myself and DS for as long as we need. I currently work from home part-time and have a good income so money isn't an issue. I go back to work full time in the new year.

What makes everything even more difficult is that he keeps telling me that I'm taking his child away from him and I'm 'just like the rest of them' (he's referring to mother's who leave fathers and the children go with the mothers). It puts me between a rock and a hard place.

Taking a child he gives zero fucks about.

Remember that OP.

...he keeps telling me that I'm taking his child away from him and I'm 'just like the rest of them' (he's referring to mother's who leave fathers and the children go with the mothers).

If you leave him (though I hope you make it "when") you'll be doing so because of his abuse of both you and his baby. He is the one who's created this situation. It's all on his head.

Having been happily married I can absolutely promise you that this isn't how loving dads and husbands behave. This man doesn't deserve either of you.

When DS is crying he shouts at him to 'shut up' and 'stop whinging all the time'.

I don't mean to alarm you but this is exactly how men who injure/kill babies talk. Please never leave your baby alone with this pig.

Why are your in-laws not aware of their son's bad behaviour? It must be a huge house.

Even the strongest relationship can suffer with a new baby. People are adjusting to a massive change, they are tired and snappy. The most I've ever heard me or my friends argue about though is who is the most tired (the one doing the night feeds or the one who has disturbed sleep, got up early, and had had to work) or silly arguments about housework or how to parent the baby.

What you describe is way way worse than this.
Insulting your partner
Trying to keep them away from their family
Accusing your partner of cheating or trying to cheat
Is all inexcusable. It is abusive and controlling. He is abusing you.

If you stay with him, your son will grow up thinking insulting and controlling behaviour is part of a normal relationship. He will think if a dad as a sperm donor only because lets face it your partner is doing fuck all parenting and they will have no relationship if it carries on like this.

I think you need to leave. A bit of space isn't going to turn a nasty abuser into a nice person. He isn't going to reflect on his own behaviour and change, he is just going to focus on making it all your fault (eg that you are getting with other men).

Please leave while your son is too young to take it all in

Don’t listen to him “taking his child away” he can be involved and not be with you, he’s using your son to control you. Leave, it will be better for your son. You have a lot more options than most women in your situation, you have a job and a place to stay, really you have no excuse to stay!

He is manipulative. Of course he is going to try and guilt you into staying. But like the other examples of things he says, they are just words that he comes out with and it doesnt mean that he believes them or that they are true. If he was that bothered about having a relationship with his son he wouldn't shout at him when he was crying or he would actually try and look after him not leave it all to you

Your not in between a rock and a hard place, but he is because that’s exactly where he chooses to put himself with his own behaviour. He knows how to treat you and your child better, he knows how to help out more, he knows how to be a better human....the fact is that he chooses NOT to be any of those things.

You cannot control his behaviour or how he acts, but you can choose how you react to it. You do not have to put up with it and for the sake of your child you should not put up with it. These things never get better only worse, much better to leave now before you son is of an age to understand his father’s behaviour and be affected by it or imitate it.

In your situation I would be off to my parents without a second thought or backwards glance. If he has a problem with that, then boo bloody hoo, he should have thought about that before when he was treating you and your son like dirt. Oh and be prepared he will cry, they all cry, don’t fall for it, he won’t change no matter what he says. The only thing he’ll be sorry for is that he’s lost his emotional punch bag and skivvy abc it wouldn’t be but 2 minutes before he reverted back to his old ways and you’d really be kicking yourself then.

Get the fuck away from this man as soon as you can and take your poor baby boy. What a horrible father and husband he has turned out to be. Don't blame yourself. He's abusive and you have to leave.

OP having a baby can cause additional stress on a good relationship but this is not what you are experiencing!

He sounds abusive towards you and the baby as shouting at a crying baby is not normal or acceptable. I'm disgusted that he is treating you both like that.

Moving in with your parents will be a much healthier environment for you and your DS. Good luck

You will never recover your relationship after this. Feeling so isolated and alone when you have just had a baby despite him being there 24/7.
The respect has gone and that will be hard to recover. Who cares where he thinks you have gone when you go, he will make you feel like a cheating failure anyway.
Go. Ltb and don't look back.
How dare he treat you like this and think it is ok cos you will take it.

It sounds like you just don't like him.

No, sounds like he's an abusive twat and the OP and her baby would be infinitely better off as far away from him as possible.

What makes everything even more difficult is that he keeps telling me that I'm taking his child away from him and I'm 'just like the rest of them' (he's referring to mother's who leave fathers and the children go with the mothers). It puts me between a rock and a hard place.

There is a damn good reason why women leave so yeah, you are like some of those women. Women who decide that abuse is not acceptable on any level. Women whose SO make them feel like dirt. Women who can see their children mirroring their Dad's abuse. Women who deserve live and respect. Love, not a rock and a hard place, a rock and freedom to find someone who treats you and your son well. Freedom to protect your life and family. Freedom to see who you want in friends and family without control. Freedom to find your own path.

This man is abusing you, gaslighting you and manipulating you. He is a controlling bastard and even worse, is abusive to your baby. Please don't leave the baby alone with him as he does not sound like he could be a safe carer. Take the baby and go to your parents. Let him accuse you of whatever he likes and then tell him he can fuck right off, that you won't be controlled anymore because protecting your baby is more important than him.