Thinking about leaving Husband (7 month old baby)

[LaceyB123]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here so I hope I have posted in the right place! I really don't know where to turn right now. I've tried searching previous posts but I can't find anything that relates to my situation.

My husband and I have been together for 3 years and have recently got married. We have a 7 month old son. Things haven't always been fantastic between us but we've always tried to work hard at our relationship and when things are good they are great, but since having our DS we have just been having one argument after another and I guess it's shown some major cracks in our relationship.

I've been thinking about either taking some breathing space for a bit or leaving altogether as I've just about had enough. He rarely helps with DS and is lazy around the house. He's rude to me and makes me feel terrible about myself. Here's a few examples of what he says to me:

I'm miserable and have a face like a smacked arse 24/7. None of our friends and family like me.
He insults my friends and family, claiming he has no interest in spending time with my friends and my family are a 'sh*t family'.
Whenever I get my hair/nails done or decide to dress up nicely, he tells me that I'm doing it for the attention of other men.
He accuses me of texting other men and when I've asked for some breathing space before, he's accused me of 'running away to another man's house'.
He's told me that I have a pathetic, sad, boring life.
I do all the night duties with DS, and he has laughed at how tired I've been.

Here's some examples of how he is with our DS (bearing in mind he's currently off work and has been for months):
He's never done a night feed (DS has been bottle fed from birth as he insisted he wanted to be involved)
He sleeps on the sofa in the spare room as DS is 'disruptive during the night'.
I can't remember when he last changed a nappy.
When DS is crying he shouts at him to 'shut up' and 'stop whinging all the time'.
During the days when we are at home he leaves me to entertain DS during the day and goes into another room to either watch TV or play video games.

He doesn't help around the house at all so all of that is left to me aswell.

I've tried to understand that having our DS was a massive change and that he's probably found it all just as had as me, but I can't take much more. I've tried to explain everything to him but he tells me that I'm 'playing the victim' and that I don't have it 'that bad'. He insists that he has provided everything that I've ever wanted and yet I'm never happy.

AIBU? Is breathing space what we maybe need to gain some perspective or will that makes things worse? Any advice is greatly appreciated!

What makes everything even more difficult is that he keeps telling me that I'm taking his child away from him and I'm 'just like the rest of them' (he's referring to mother's who leave fathers and the children go with the mothers). It puts me between a rock and a hard place.

Please don't let him guilt trip you. He's trying to manipulate you into staying. He's the one creating this situation where you have to leave. He doesn't have to behave like this but he chooses to anyway. It's his fault if you leave, not yours. You would be protecting yourself and your son by going to stay with your family and I'm sure any family court would agree if it came to it.

What makes everything even more difficult is that he keeps telling me that I'm taking his child away from him and I'm 'just like the rest of them' (he's referring to mother's who leave fathers and the children go with the mothers)

There’s no great mystery behind that though. It’s an epidemic of men making the lives of women so intolerable they arrive at the point there is no other option but to leave.

Maybe it’s social conditioning, maybe it’s pure laziness, maybe it’s an inability to shoulder responsibility or maybe even a mixture of all of the above.

He sounds utterly miserable and determined to make everyone just as miserable as he is. He’s a virus.

Have you ever known him happy with what he’s got or prepared to put himself out to achieve something or is he one of these whose lives have been unfairly ruined by the actions of everyone else? I’m also interested in how he treats his parents. I bet that’d be telling.

I'm delighted and relieved to know you have options and aren't trapped there. Go now!

You have definitely not been too sensitive. Quite the opposite - you've been conditioned to accept the unacceptable. It's awful.

I can't help but wonder what his wonderful parents must think of this. Are they bullied and abused by him too?

Why on earth would you stay with someone who values you and your son so little? Please go. Your life will be infinitely better without this waste of a man around.

Good luck.

@LaceyB123

Having scanned the thread to be sure that the responses have been more or less consistent (and probably correct), I’d like to ask about something you posted:

*”Here's a few examples of what he says to me:

I'm miserable and have a face like a smacked arse 24/7.”*

Are you and do you?

”None of our friends and family like me.”

Sweeping statements like this tend to be projection but, assuming the two of you interact with his family and friends, does he seem awkward or embarrassed? Could there be any truth to the statement?

”He insults my friends and family, claiming he has no interest in spending time with my friends and my family are a 'sht family'.”*

I’ve been guilty of saying this in past relationships, when my then partner takes every disagreement we have, or personal bit of business (financial, emotional, whatever) and shares it with their family and friends. It made spending time with them like how she would feel if I described the consistency of her period discharge yesterday to MY friends over dinner (didn’t happen, just describing the atmosphere) and made me less interested in going to visit any of them. It felt like lines were drawn. Has this been the case with you?

”Whenever I get my hair/nails done or decide to dress up nicely, he tells me that I'm doing it for the attention of other men.
He accuses me of texting other men and when I've asked for some breathing space before, he's accused me of 'running away to another man's house'.”

Again, this can often be projection, and some people are just insecure, but are you doing any of this, or have you in the past?

”He's told me that I have a pathetic, sad, boring life.”

Well, it’s his life too. This sounds like pure degradation, but does he have interests that he’s shared with you that you’ve been meh about?

”I do all the night duties with DS, and he has laughed at how tired I've been.”

Based on your list, I’ll assume this is a pointing and laughing sort of thing rather than an ironically chagrined laugh of commiseration.

As you said in your OP, the stress of having a child has put pressure on a set of already existing cracks in your relationship. I’m not looking to make you feel guilty or second guess yourself with my questions, I’m just taking it as given that he wasn’t an asshat from the start and so am wondering if any of what he’s saying might have a discernible cause.

Take care of yourself, and see to the needs of your child. If you do move to your parent’s, try to maintain the good relationship you seem to have with his parents, for the long term sake of your child.

Good luck.

When DS is crying he shouts at him to 'shut up' and 'stop whinging all the time'.

Presumably this is the baby's fault, Pretzelcoatl. You left that example out while excusing all the other abuse.

You perhaps don't know that domestic abuse often starts or escalates during pregnancy and afterwards. Or that claiming everyone hates you is a well known tactic used by abusers. In fact all the things the OP is upset about are familiar tactics.

YABU for only THINKING about leaving this abusive, uncaring, nasty individual.
Don't just think it, do it.
Please go you your Mum's LaceyB123 and let her cherish you both.

This isn't just new parents being snappy to each other as they're so tired with a new baby. This is an abusive relationship and you don't want your child brought up in an environment like that. I'm really glad you can go and live with your parents. Get your stuff and go. Good luck

@Prawnofthepatriarchy

”Presumably this is the baby's fault, Pretzelcoatl. You left that example out while excusing all the other abuse.”

No, I just didn’t drag the copy far enough down on my phone. Nor did I excuse anything, I was just looking for causes. Understanding why somebody killed somebody else isn’t the same as excusing that they did it, as I’m sure you’re aware.

”You perhaps don't know that domestic abuse often starts or escalates during pregnancy and afterwards.”

In both directions, yes. I also know that the stress of a new, especially first, child can be a cannonball into a relationship that was previously strong enough to handle ongoing issues, but has now clearly buckled.

”Or that claiming everyone hates you is a well known tactic used by abusers. In fact all the things the OP is upset about are familiar tactics.”

Are they exclusively “tactics”? Is it entirely impossible that some or all of them could be in response to something? It doesn’t excuse any of it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth knowing and, as the OP will be connected to this man for the rest of her life through their child, I think it’s worth delving into. The OP can decide for herself whether or not to answer, but probably doesn’t need you white knighting on her behalf simply because you want to stop at the label ABUSER.

If you live with his parents, do they not see this themselves?

When DS is crying he shouts at him to 'shut up' and 'stop whinging all the time'.

Somehow I find it hard to envisage this thug as a misjudged sterling citizen.

My baby DS is the same age as yours. You deserve so much better- and so does your son.

Please don't let your son be raised by a man who is so unkind to you, and him.

Leave now.

Can I suggest that you write down each and every abusive incident with as much detail as you can remember? So when he tells you (or his parents) that you are making it all up, you can pull out your written documentation and remind yourself?

OP you need to tell him to leave. He mustn’t be allowed to be around your baby acting like he does. He will cause permanent emotional damage to you and your baby.

I am so sorry to read your post.
Your husband’s behaviour is utterly unacceptable.
You and your child deserve so much more than this.
He is abusing you both.
I would urge you to leave but is your house in joint names? Rented or mortgaged.

Op, your partner is abusing you and abusi your baby. And he is blackmailing you into staying. Are you really going to stay with him and force your baby to endure him because you’re worried about his ridiculous view on ‘those mothers’.

Better to be one of those who puts their babies first, instead of staying with an abusive partner/father