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How to respond to this!?

234 replies

InnisandGunn · 22/11/2019 21:56

Really good friend, one of my best friends sent me this this evening.

Back story is I have an 18 monrh DS, DSS and a partner who works away a lot. We have DSS every other weekend and up until recently I've been working 26 hours a week. Life is crazy, and I'm barely seeing friends who live down the road. This friend lives down south, with partner, no kids, both high flying jobs, family up this way but they moved further afield about a year ago. Friend comes up regularly but is quite often busy with family stuff and fairy inflexible in times she can meet. Not a problem, if we can't meet we can't meet. Life's crazy for everyone.

My problem is I want to see this friend so badly, but it's always massively inconvenient but a few times I've said yes, then had to pull out when I've realised just how much it's going to take to get there. This friend doesn't drive so I'm having to pick her up from places and drop her back sometimes up to half an hour away. Her parents place is an hour away. I work every afternoon from 12pm.

So this weekend we arranged to meet and I've had to pull out. DP has come back from a works trip that happens every year and involves early starts and stupidly late starts. I explained I was concerned it wasn't going to work but after her ignoring my messages I said I'd have to bring DS along (she doesn't seem to like me bringing DS when we meet, which is understandable). Well, I've never seen him so tired. He's been looking after drunks the last few nights and he's come in and collapsed on the sofa. We also have DSS this weekend who is 2 hours away. We leave at 7:30 to pick him up. We're concerned DSS isn't having as much fun with us recently due to being so tired and finances being tight as well as illness, timings and an array of other stuff. We're trying to pull our fingers our our arses and get back to doing what we used to so we said this weekend we'd have lots of fun.

DP is so tired I've said I'll take DS over to pick up DSS so he can have a lie in and we can get back and both be ready to have a fun filled weekend all together. I've explained this to my friend and this is the response I got.

Last time she refers to she said she told me she was there for two weeks but I honestly don't remember because when it was mentioned in passing later I was genuinely gutted. I've also offered to meet for a few drinks tomorrow night once the boys are in bed as a compromise.

I get it's frustrating and I do feel bad. But this is my best friend of 11 years. We talk regularly via SM. She's helped me through some tough times and I've listened and offered advice through hers. I love this person to bits. When I read her message I burst into tears and now I'm feeling angry.

I get it's shitty, but it came down to family or friend and family always comes first. Surely they should? I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I feel stretched so thin and someone who's supposed to understand has dropped me, just like that. 3 months before the wedding, after discussing colours of dresses only a few days or so ago, despite her saying she's been feeling this way for a few weeks. I had other friends I wanted to ask but decided to just keep it to my absolute closest friends. Invites went out yesterday. I could have invited another close friend to the ceremony, but I can't now.

What's the point in trying to explain how I constantly feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I don't do well at work, the house is a mess, I don't see my friends, or give them enough attention when messaging and trying to stop my toddler from killing himself for the 199th time this morning. She won't understand, and it's futile trying to get her to.

So here's the message.

Hi lass, To be honest, this whole pattern of friendship isn't doing me any favours, this is the third time I've made plans to see you this year and you have bailed. I always have to have a back up plan and somewhere to stay that doesn't rely on you. I understand that you are busy with your family, but I also have a new family and my parents and in laws and friends that I have to divide my time between and I've been trying to make room for you but this doesn't feel like it's being reciprocated. I was at my parents place for 2 weeks and you didn't make time to see me then, when you could have had your pick of time. Few several weeks now I've been feeling uneasy about being your bridesmaid as although we have been good friends in the past, I do feel that that time has gone and I don't want you to feel resentment that I am in your wedding photos or part of your day when I'm no longer a part of your life. All things come to an end and I think we've reached ours. I wish you all the happiness in the world and that you have the happiest of weddings :)

If you got this far, thanks. So I guess AIBU, and how on earth should I reply?! Getting past this isn't going to happen is it?

OP posts:
SlightlyBonkersQFA · 22/11/2019 22:57

@InnisandGunn but your husband was in, you didn't even need one. You spend enough time looking after his child by the sounds of it and he was too tired to look after your/his child so you could meet your friend.

I agree with the poster who said that on one level, you don't want to make the effort.

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2019 22:58

The friend learning to drive isn't going to make the OP less flaky.

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 22/11/2019 23:00

Also, I have no car, (never ask anybody for lists though) I have a ft job, no partner, no cleaner, two teens and I don't let my friends down because I value their friendship and I don't want to lose them!! I'm the other extreme. I'm scared that nobody would forgive me for letting them down once. I don't assume everybody understands. I think you must have got a big shock.

Span1elsRock · 22/11/2019 23:00

Stop making excuses OP. If you wanted to see her, you would have done. And she knows it.

I think she's past any more excuses and apologies. I think you need to say that you're sorry you fucked this up, and wish her well in response.

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 22/11/2019 23:01

At this point, environmentally NOT learning to drive is acceptable surely!? The planet needs more drivers like it needs more people drinking more bottled water.

Bluerussian · 22/11/2019 23:02

Very sad, Innis. I know you didn't men to bail on her but you can't really expect her to understand.

Some friendships do just come to an end and I'm afraid that is what has happened here.

Chin up, things will improve eventually.

Havaina · 22/11/2019 23:03

I have a friend of 20 years who doesn't drive. There was a period when she took it for granted that I would pick her up and drive her everywhere, and even when it was a 3-4 hour drive she fever offered petrol money and would also let he pay fir parking.

It did make me reluctant to meet her as often.

MT2017 · 22/11/2019 23:04

Love it when a message is deleted and multiple posters repost it! Means I don't miss out Grin

theEnglishInPatient · 22/11/2019 23:08

she doesn't understand how difficult it is to make it happen. And she's not going to, she doesn't have kids.

I can't get past how rude you are. Yes, we get it, having a child is tiring Hmm you can't comprehend that others must be just as busy and have a life just as hectic?

Your ex-friend is absolutely right, and if she was on MN, pretty sure all the advice would have been to do exactly what she did - there has been enough threads going that way.

I have kids btw, but your comment was so unnecessary. and rude.

MyNewBearTotoro · 22/11/2019 23:10

I think considering you’ve cancelled plans at the last minute 3 times in a row you are being unreasonable. It’s unsurprising she thinks you want different things from the friendship and feels low on your list of priorities, especially considering it doesn’t sound like your reasons for cancelling were emergencies/ unforeseen circumstances.

It doesn’t sound like she’s been the perfect friend either but I don’t blame her for wanting to step back from a friendship where she is constantly being let down at the last minute.

Shoxfordian · 22/11/2019 23:10

Yeah I'd feel the same as your friend, you're flaky and unreliable

whistleinthewind · 22/11/2019 23:10

I get that life is busy but I don't blame her to be honest. My best friend is an hour away, we both have DC, we both work full time and have 'high flying jobs', as you put it. To be honest from your post high flying could just mean a regular working week given you work part time. But my best friend and I travel to see each other. I don't know many people that live so close that it takes much less than maybe 30-40minutes at a minimum and I don't know anyone with a less busy week than you and we still mange to see each other.

I think you've cancelled one too many times on her, and as a person who has previously had that done to them several times by one person, it gets tired quickly and fair play to her for being so honest about it. I just stopped arranging to meet up and the friendship was over. She travels to near your area and carves time out of that for you, around other family and friends, and you cancel every time... this time because your DP is tired. Let him be tired for a day, it wouldn't have hurt him.

Your friendship is over and it's mainly down to you, unless there's a huge drip feed coming. Move on.

gamerwidow · 22/11/2019 23:11

Your friendship has run it's course. She needs you to be something you can't be at the moment. It's not your fault. It's not her fault.
It's upsetting because i think you both still want to be in each others life but it's just not going to work right now.
Let her go with good grace.

Derbee · 22/11/2019 23:12

Your friend sounds like a great person. It’s so refreshing for people to be so honest! And without drama!

You’ve been no friend to her. Fine, you think you have valid excuses. But she has a right to surround herself with people that are interested in making the effort, and prioritising their friendship when they need to.

If you want someone to be in your life, you have to make room for them. Let this be a lesson. Move on.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 22/11/2019 23:13

I dont think your friend comes out of this particularly well either, so don't take all the blame. She wants it all on her terms - she's inflexible about times, she expects you to chauffeur her and she doesn't like you bringing your toddler.

And given what else is going on in your life (from your update), I think she's being nasty to pull this on you now, no matter how pissed off you are.

But to answer your question, no family doesn't always come first.

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 22/11/2019 23:13

What @IncrediblySadToo said!

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2019 23:15

And given what else is going on in your life (from your update), I think she's being nasty to pull this on you now, no matter how pissed off you are.

She needed to do it now as the wedding is in 3 months time.

It'd be far worse if she left it until the OP bought her bridesmaid dress etc.

Although thinking about it now, if the OP's life is so crazy and hectic, God knows how she's going to find the time for a wedding.

Derbee · 22/11/2019 23:15

Your only response needs to be

“I’m sorry about this weekend, and I’m really sorry that it’s come to this. I’m struggling to make time for the things and the people that I should be at the moment. I understand your position, and I hope we can reconnect some time in the future.”

rwalker · 22/11/2019 23:16

I can totally see her point of view but TBH the way she's dealt with it is spot on . No big dramatic row or fall out I'd just draw a line under it and move on .

holly40 · 22/11/2019 23:16

Fair play to her tbh.
I've had to walk away from friendships for similar reasons, though never been as honest about it.
It's a shame but there's not much you can do, you are on different paths at the moment.
Don't be angry about it. It's just what it is. I wouldn't reply for now.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 22/11/2019 23:16

At this point, environmentally NOT learning to drive is acceptable surely!?

Well not in this instance as the OP was expected to chauffeur her friend, so the amount of driving hasn't reduced.

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 22/11/2019 23:18

It avoids putting another car on the road though.


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gamerwidow · 22/11/2019 23:18

DerBee response is perfect, use that.

InnisandGunn · 22/11/2019 23:20

I've replied apologising, I've wished her well and thanked her for her years of friendship, and said she's more than welcome to get back in touch should she reconsider.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 22/11/2019 23:22

Does your DP/DH ever look after the kids himself ? giving you a breather ?

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