To not want to go Christmas Day?

[Coliflowerchwese]

So I’ve been very depressed lately I’m now desperate for a baby and waiting to start an nhs ivf cycle after Christmas. Long awaited and so ready!.
Been trying to concieve for over 6 years, it’s taken it’s toll and I do admit I have avoided people because of it.
My husbands family are not very nice people and have always been civilised to keep the peace but his older brother seems to have a thing about saying nasty comments whenever anyone asks when we are having children. For example, last Christmas my oh cousin asked when was it our turn and I said Oo no not yet, ( no one knows we’ve struggled) bil turns around and says while laughing “ don’t think they can have any my husbands name hasn’t got it in him.
I was shocked so shocked and really really had to keep a straight face, it’s like no one else was bothered by what was said, I just brushed it off and said no we’re just not ready.
Ever since I’ve had anxiety around them and can’t seem to face any of them, it’s kind of put me in a trauma somehow if that makes any sense. We’ve told our parents this year who have been very understanding and told us nothing ever to be ashamed of and supporting us. I am worrying and worrying about facing everyone again on Christmas Day incase the same is said ( which it probably will because bil is a massive dickhead and like I said always manages to come out with something vile)
It ruined my Christmas Day last year tbh,
I’m worried I’ll be so anxious I won’t be able to speak and everyone will notice how nervous I am.
I know I’m probably being majorly over dramatic. But the infertility has devastated me and my husband and my heart is broken enough already that we will never concieve naturally so comments like that really cut my like a knife.
We will probably go to pil in the morning while nobody is there, go for dinner at my family’s then we normally go back to pil to see ohs siblings, I don’t want to go this year. Aibu?

I'm very sorry to hear of your struggles to conceive. I understand the huge emotional impact its had on you. However your BIL has no idea about all of this. His comment was a bit stupid but to be honest sound like one brother teasing another. Has he only made this one comment or does he make other comments. If it's just this one comment I do think you're being too sensitive.

You don't HAVE to go anywhere. You also don't HAVE to tell the truth. Your husband probably wants to go for a while, so let him. Relax at home with full control of the telly, and the tin of Quality Street. Go to your mum's for the day and let her spoil you. The in-laws can be told you have a bug, or a relative has visited your mam and you're gone there to see them.

You don't HAVE to go anywhere you're not comfortable. I think your BIL is being unintentional unkind, rather than a massive dickhead. If he knew you were having fertility issues rather than just "not ready yet" and continued to say these things THEN he'd be a massive dickhead. For now he's just being an idiot. (I'd guess/hope he'd be upset at the thought of genuinely upsetting you two?)

Don't go if you can't face it. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

It sounds excruciating,

But if they think you are ‘just not ready’ because that is what you have told them, they probably think it is all ‘banter’. Some families thrive on brutal verbal play fighting.

Your DH needs to say to his brother that you have been trying and that it had been extremely upsetting and to lay off the comments.

But if you are not comfortable in the environment, don’t go. You are vulnerable and need to look after yourselves.

Is the issue here that your H actually wants to go, or feels he should?

If so, I think he’s U given BiL’s past behaviour and high chance of a repeat of it. He should politely decline the invitation.

Faking illness last minute would be unfair on the hosts: hosting Christmas day is expensive.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Is always a solid response. Or even just telling him that he should perhaps think twice about making comments about this kind of thing as you never know if someone has miscarrried or is suffering infertility and then just stare him down. Absolute dickhead.

But i agree. Don't go, tell MIL exactly why and tell her that BIL must absolutely not be showing up at your house. Alternatively could you both go to your own parents for the holiday? Or book a couple of days away somewhere nice. Cheddar is lovely at xmas.

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles OP and I hope the ivf in the new year brings success for you.

I'd probably do one of two things:

1. Go to PIL in the morning as normal whilst the rest of OH's family aren't there. As they already know, be honest with them and inform them (and OH) that he will be returning on his own in the evening as you cannot face further cruel comments from BIL as it's affecting your mental health.

1. Go to PIL in the morning and then your family for lunch. Then develop some sort of sudden onset illness (upset tummy) that prevents you going back to PIL in the evening. Let your OH go on his own, if you and he feel ok with that.

Or there is of course a 3rd option - go to PIL in the evening and if when BIL makes his regular cruel comment, roll out the MN favourite mantra "did you really mean to be so rude?"

No need to go away, unless you want to, fine to be home alone the two of you.