To not want to go Christmas Day?

[Coliflowerchwese]

So I’ve been very depressed lately I’m now desperate for a baby and waiting to start an nhs ivf cycle after Christmas. Long awaited and so ready!.
Been trying to concieve for over 6 years, it’s taken it’s toll and I do admit I have avoided people because of it.
My husbands family are not very nice people and have always been civilised to keep the peace but his older brother seems to have a thing about saying nasty comments whenever anyone asks when we are having children. For example, last Christmas my oh cousin asked when was it our turn and I said Oo no not yet, ( no one knows we’ve struggled) bil turns around and says while laughing “ don’t think they can have any my husbands name hasn’t got it in him.
I was shocked so shocked and really really had to keep a straight face, it’s like no one else was bothered by what was said, I just brushed it off and said no we’re just not ready.
Ever since I’ve had anxiety around them and can’t seem to face any of them, it’s kind of put me in a trauma somehow if that makes any sense. We’ve told our parents this year who have been very understanding and told us nothing ever to be ashamed of and supporting us. I am worrying and worrying about facing everyone again on Christmas Day incase the same is said ( which it probably will because bil is a massive dickhead and like I said always manages to come out with something vile)
It ruined my Christmas Day last year tbh,
I’m worried I’ll be so anxious I won’t be able to speak and everyone will notice how nervous I am.
I know I’m probably being majorly over dramatic. But the infertility has devastated me and my husband and my heart is broken enough already that we will never concieve naturally so comments like that really cut my like a knife.
We will probably go to pil in the morning while nobody is there, go for dinner at my family’s then we normally go back to pil to see ohs siblings, I don’t want to go this year. Aibu?

[user1465335180]

Not at all, your BIL is a nasty piece of work, why would you want to spend another Christmas with him? He obviously still has a few sibling issues, sad when a grown man still wants to behave like a child

[WorraLiberty]

"I don't think he's got it in him" is a fairly common way of one bloke teasing another.

I understand how it must've hurt, but if they don't know you're having fertility issues then your reaction is a little unreasonable I think.

[AngelicInnocent]

Just go in the morning when no one else is there. Do something else after dinner.

[FawnDrench]

Just go to your lovely supportive parents for Xmas and try to have a relaxing time.

[juneybean]

You poor thing, you would not be unreasonable to avoid him.

[madcatladyforever]

Don't go, if you are having IVF after xmas you need to be careful not to be stressed out at all. BIL is a cunt.

[Coliflowerchwese]

I don’t want upset everybody by not going and worried they’ll just turn up at ours anyway as my pil only live about a 15 min drive away and they pass ours. I’ll be asked why I haven’t gone.
I’m in two minds about going at the evening, then I think if I do go what will I say if that comments is made again? I’d probably just walk out.

[Coliflowerchwese]

@madcatladyforever thanks I’m trying to not be stressed but this is really making me anxious! X

[CareOfPunts]

They’re horrible x don’t go

[PotteringAlong]

I don’t think your BiL is a massive dickhead, based on that one comment. I think he was teasing his brother and got it spectacularly wrong which, in his defence, he wasn’t to know . It’s not uncommon banter.

[Niki93]

Its a shame your husband couldnt have put him in his place a little after that comment. I understand no harm was meant by it, but people should think before speaking. Your husband is aware of the difficulties you have both had trying to conceive, so i think if you explained to him why you didnt want to go then he would understand. Alternatively he should stick up for you both and challenge anyone in the family if they make those conments again. Im sure if they knew the reality they would actually be supportive. But i do understand its personal and not something you may want to share. I do agree that you should go to your own parents for Christmas and just enjoy it! Xxx

[rhinocrash]

As someone who struggled for 8 long years before finally conceiving with IVF. I totally get how upset you are. Your post brought back all of the memories of the despair and heartache.

You might be being a bit sensitive - or BIL might be an utter twat - but either way it doesn't matter. The thought of seeing BIL is stressing you, so don't see him.

Do not go. You need to be relaxed before IVF.


Good luck, OP - I hope you get your happy ending in the New Year

My top tips . Acupuncture. Stop drinking caffeine and alcohol for several months before, if you can.

Also drink obscene amounts of water during the process. (they will tell you to drink a lot. Believe them! I had the worst headaches ever until I drank a bucket of water some more.)

[Loopytiles]

YANBU to decline the Christmas invitation.

The comment, in itself, was rude and (even though BiL is unaware of the situation) insensitive, but sadly fairly common “banter”, probably not meant to cause hurt. But you say BiL and the others in your H’s family “are not nice people”; does your H agree?

[WorraLiberty]

I don’t think your BiL is a massive dickhead, based on that one comment. I think he was teasing his brother and got it spectacularly wrong which, in his defence, he wasn’t to know. It’s not uncommon banter.

Exactly. It's certainly thoughtless brother to brother banter but it doesn't make him a massive dickhead.

[LakieLady]

I don’t want upset everybody by not going and worried they’ll just turn up at ours anyway as my pil only live about a 15 min drive away and they pass ours. I’ll be asked why I haven’t gone.

Could you contract the ailment that DP calls "diplomatic flu" and just stay home? That way your DH will have to stay and look after you and you'll have the perfect excuse to spend all day in your PJs.

Your BIL sounds utterly vile. How anyone can think that's an ok thing to say beats me.

[Coliflowerchwese]

It’s not a one off as he has said other things before.
He’s also said “at least I can have kids” amongst other vile comments. Thankyou for replies x

[Loopytiles]

So you think he suspects the situation and is being deliberately nasty?

Does your H agree?

[WorraLiberty]

It’s not a one off as he has said other things before.
He’s also said “at least I can have kids” amongst other vile comments.

What other vile comments?

OP, how can you expect helpful replies if you're not telling the full story?

[Coliflowerchwese]

At least I can have kids
I must be Barron
Why are you not having any kids are one of you messed up

That’s the comments he’s made.

[Drum2018]

Fake a stomach bug on Christmas Eve. Tell Dh to go to his parents Christmas morning if they are ok with the possibility of him bringing the bug to their house. They certainly won't want you anywhere near them! Then go to your parents and stay there as long as you like.

Alternatively just tell Dh you are not going to his family this year to be interrogated as you will undoubtedly stab one of them - preferably BIl.

[Drum2018]

He most definitely is a dickhead. No adult with an ounce of cop on would hassle a couple about not having kids.

[WorraLiberty]

Ok, OP.

Really and truly that information would've been better in your opening post.

In that case YANBU.

Pretend you're ill or something, or just go to your parent's house.

[Shelby2010]

If you want to avoid drama, why don’t you plan to go round but drop out at the last minute with a headache. DH can go and see siblings on his own.

[HollowTalk]

I wouldn't want to mix with a guy like that regardless of whether I was having fertility problems, but given your problems (which I really hope are resolved quickly) I can't see why you or your husband would want to spend time with him.

Sometimes there's nothing wrong with saying, "Sorry, we won't be coming because last Christmas BIL was such a dick we thought we'd avoid him in future."

[Coliflowerchwese]

I now it would have been helpful I just didn’t want to repeat everything. These remarks have been made every time in the last year we have been around the family. I now don’t go to anything and avoid them at all costs.
They’ve noticed and wonder why. I’m open to telling them all and especially telling bil why but my oh has said no so I have to respect he wants this private with only parents knowing. Mil has been surprisingly very nice about it and has said to ignore it.