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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go Christmas Day?

57 replies

Coliflowerchwese · 21/11/2019 18:16

So I’ve been very depressed lately I’m now desperate for a baby and waiting to start an nhs ivf cycle after Christmas. Long awaited and so ready!.
Been trying to concieve for over 6 years, it’s taken it’s toll and I do admit I have avoided people because of it.
My husbands family are not very nice people and have always been civilised to keep the peace but his older brother seems to have a thing about saying nasty comments whenever anyone asks when we are having children. For example, last Christmas my oh cousin asked when was it our turn and I said Oo no not yet, ( no one knows we’ve struggled) bil turns around and says while laughing “ don’t think they can have any my husbands name hasn’t got it in him.
I was shocked so shocked and really really had to keep a straight face, it’s like no one else was bothered by what was said, I just brushed it off and said no we’re just not ready.
Ever since I’ve had anxiety around them and can’t seem to face any of them, it’s kind of put me in a trauma somehow if that makes any sense. We’ve told our parents this year who have been very understanding and told us nothing ever to be ashamed of and supporting us. I am worrying and worrying about facing everyone again on Christmas Day incase the same is said ( which it probably will because bil is a massive dickhead and like I said always manages to come out with something vile)
It ruined my Christmas Day last year tbh,
I’m worried I’ll be so anxious I won’t be able to speak and everyone will notice how nervous I am.
I know I’m probably being majorly over dramatic. But the infertility has devastated me and my husband and my heart is broken enough already that we will never concieve naturally so comments like that really cut my like a knife.
We will probably go to pil in the morning while nobody is there, go for dinner at my family’s then we normally go back to pil to see ohs siblings, I don’t want to go this year. Aibu?

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 21/11/2019 18:44

Well with the dripfeed he clearly IS a massive dickhead and best avoided full stop!

Letthemysterybe · 21/11/2019 18:44

"I don't think he's got it in him" is a fairly common way of one bloke teasing another.

What Worra?! You clearly
know some insensitive, immature plonkers. I don’t know any men that would speak this way to each other.

OP if you don’t like him, and he upsets you, you certainly don’t need to spend Christmas with him.

WorraLiberty · 21/11/2019 18:47

Letthemysterybe yes, during my 50 years on this earth I have met a very broad and varied range of people.

OP, why don't you and your DH just call him on it?

You don't have to reveal anything about the infertility, just tell him you're both fed up of his nastiness.

GrumpyHoonMain · 21/11/2019 18:53

Seems like that specific comment might have been good natured to change the subject. What does your DH think considering he’s his brother?

MistyCloud · 21/11/2019 19:05

@Coliflowerchwese Aww you poor thing.

Your BIL sounds like a right clodhopper tbh. So insensitive and rude. Even if he didn't mean it in a malicious way, (which I reckon he did,) it's obviously going to be hurtful.

I have had people 'joking' about my weight in the past, (when I was a bit bigger,) and taking potshots at my DH as a 'joke' and it's upsetting. When/if you say anything, you get accused of being too sensitive or not having a sense of humour.

I would definitely not go and I would be letting my DH know too.

I do feel for you being married into a family with members like this...

You are not alone though.

Good look ttc, and I hope you get your much wanted baby soon.

duckling84 · 21/11/2019 19:06

Book a holiday, somewhere hot, and stick a middle finger up at them all.
You dont have to see family on christmas. It's ok to be selfish

Butterfly02 · 21/11/2019 19:06

Do what you need to do, your going to want to be in the best possible position emotionally and physically after Christmas.
The year my sis had her child (accidentally pregnant) I volunteered to work it was my coping mechanism that year.

MistyCloud · 21/11/2019 19:07

@Coliflowerchwese

Oh I agree with @WorraLiberty too, you and your DH need to call this man out on his nastiness. So what if it causes him to go off in a strop. Wouldn't be a bad thing!

Bluntness100 · 21/11/2019 19:10

Op, I differ from the others, if he does not know of your struggles and is of the opinion you're just not ready yet, it would seem he's just making jokes. Jokes that if you didn't want kids yet as he thinks likely wouldn't be so painful for you.

I think potentially you're letting your feelings about ent infertility affect how you interpret his comments.

Good luck with your ivf.💐

Original poster

Coliflowerchwese · 21/11/2019 19:12

I would but I hate confrontation and don’t know what I would say tbh, I do have to keep the tears back and sort of act unfazed by it when he says things, he’s the type of person that thrives on being “the joker” of the family, I’ve noticed when on his own he is not so bad. But when he around the whole family that’s when he seems to nasty. He is like a little boy tbh.
If I said anything he’d turn it into another nasty insult.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 21/11/2019 19:28

Just roll your eyes and tell him to belt up.

If you can't do that, surely your husband can?

letsdolunch321 · 21/11/2019 20:11

What a nasty bully your idiot of a BIL is.

Do what makes your happiest, if you don't want to go to PIL later in the evening, do not go. If dh wants to go along tell him to do so, just because it is Christmas evening you do not have to listen to a bullying twat.

orangeteal · 21/11/2019 20:17

They think you're choosing to not have children based on what you've said, he's teasing his brother like siblings do. If you want empathy from them you'd do better to tell them the truth, otherwise you will just have to put up with comments like that, you can't judge them to that extent when they are clueless to the context. I'm sorry you're having a hard time though. Is there a reason your DH has not confided in his family? That's quite a big part of his life he's keeping from them.

Wonkybanana · 21/11/2019 20:33

I’m open to telling them all and especially telling bil why but my oh has said no so I have to respect he wants this private with only parents knowing

I reckon someone's let something slip. MIL/FIL has said something, maybe not intentionally, maybe not in words of one syllable, but BIL has picked up on it. His comments added together sound a bit too pointed to be random chance.

I think you'd be perfectly justified in not going to the IL's for the evening. You can definitely have a diplomatic cold. Just make sure you sniffle a lot when you're there in the morning.

Winterdaysarehere · 21/11/2019 20:40

Maybe reducing your stress levels would cheer you up?
Tell dh to inform them you are having a quiet Xmas at home.
Quite legal you know...
Bil is a twat.

inwood · 21/11/2019 20:48

He sounds like an ignoramous, but if you're not open with them he doesn't sound the type to figure it out for himself. It doesn't sound deliberately malicious to me.

EKGEMS · 22/11/2019 00:43

"Why must you behave like an immature jackass when we all gather as a family? You almost are tolerable in a smaller crowd. Almost"

CSIblonde · 22/11/2019 00:56

If he's made previous comments why hasn't your DH has a quiet word - or do they not get on & he'd still be vile? Can you go just for a very quick hour?

1forAll74 · 22/11/2019 01:25

I think the only thing to do,is try and tell this man to shut up.He sounds like a real pain of a man,and needs confronting about the things he says.Otherwise, he will never change is stupid ways.

ViciousJackdaw · 22/11/2019 02:34

If you have to spend time with this git then he does need telling. Think of a woman who kicks arse. Anyone you like, from Michelle Obama to Polly Gray. What would they say to him? How would they cut him down to size?

Alternatively, you could just give them a miss altogether. You neither need nor deserve this stress, you've clearly had more than your fair share already.

Wishing you all the luck in the world for the New Year

Pixxie7 · 22/11/2019 03:29

Why not be honest and get your husband to tell his brother that although he knows he is joking his comments are hurting you. Part of your anxiety could be that you are hiding something. He may well be devastated.
If you don’t want to go on Christmas Day just say your having a quiet one together.

MamaWeasel · 22/11/2019 04:09

Can you afford to go away together for a couple of days? ☺

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 22/11/2019 05:04

If he doesn’t know about your fertility issues then he may not realise how insensitive and hurtful his “jester” comments are.

Outside of the fertility comments how is the relationship?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 22/11/2019 05:07

WorraLiberty

My circle is large and varied and it’s quite common for men to joke about this, even when they find out their friends are going to be fathers “whey didn’t think you had it in you lad” etc...

AJPTaylor · 22/11/2019 06:36

I would totally fake illness this year

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