AIBU?
To not want to go Christmas Day?
Coliflowerchwese · 21/11/2019 18:16
So I’ve been very depressed lately I’m now desperate for a baby and waiting to start an nhs ivf cycle after Christmas. Long awaited and so ready!.
Been trying to concieve for over 6 years, it’s taken it’s toll and I do admit I have avoided people because of it.
My husbands family are not very nice people and have always been civilised to keep the peace but his older brother seems to have a thing about saying nasty comments whenever anyone asks when we are having children. For example, last Christmas my oh cousin asked when was it our turn and I said Oo no not yet, ( no one knows we’ve struggled) bil turns around and says while laughing “ don’t think they can have any my husbands name hasn’t got it in him.
I was shocked so shocked and really really had to keep a straight face, it’s like no one else was bothered by what was said, I just brushed it off and said no we’re just not ready.
Ever since I’ve had anxiety around them and can’t seem to face any of them, it’s kind of put me in a trauma somehow if that makes any sense. We’ve told our parents this year who have been very understanding and told us nothing ever to be ashamed of and supporting us. I am worrying and worrying about facing everyone again on Christmas Day incase the same is said ( which it probably will because bil is a massive dickhead and like I said always manages to come out with something vile)
It ruined my Christmas Day last year tbh,
I’m worried I’ll be so anxious I won’t be able to speak and everyone will notice how nervous I am.
I know I’m probably being majorly over dramatic. But the infertility has devastated me and my husband and my heart is broken enough already that we will never concieve naturally so comments like that really cut my like a knife.
We will probably go to pil in the morning while nobody is there, go for dinner at my family’s then we normally go back to pil to see ohs siblings, I don’t want to go this year. Aibu?
Coliflowerchwese · 21/11/2019 18:27
I don’t want upset everybody by not going and worried they’ll just turn up at ours anyway as my pil only live about a 15 min drive away and they pass ours. I’ll be asked why I haven’t gone.
I’m in two minds about going at the evening, then I think if I do go what will I say if that comments is made again? I’d probably just walk out.
Niki93 · 21/11/2019 18:29
Its a shame your husband couldnt have put him in his place a little after that comment. I understand no harm was meant by it, but people should think before speaking. Your husband is aware of the difficulties you have both had trying to conceive, so i think if you explained to him why you didnt want to go then he would understand. Alternatively he should stick up for you both and challenge anyone in the family if they make those conments again. Im sure if they knew the reality they would actually be supportive. But i do understand its personal and not something you may want to share. I do agree that you should go to your own parents for Christmas and just enjoy it! Xxx
rhinocrash · 21/11/2019 18:33
As someone who struggled for 8 long years before finally conceiving with IVF. I totally get how upset you are. Your post brought back all of the memories of the despair and heartache.
You might be being a bit sensitive - or BIL might be an utter twat - but either way it doesn't matter. The thought of seeing BIL is stressing you, so don't see him.
Do not go. You need to be relaxed before IVF.
Good luck, OP - I hope you get your happy ending in the New Year 
My top tips . Acupuncture. Stop drinking caffeine and alcohol for several months before, if you can.
Also drink obscene amounts of water during the process. (they will tell you to drink a lot. Believe them! I had the worst headaches ever until I drank a bucket of water some more.)
Loopytiles · 21/11/2019 18:33
YANBU to decline the Christmas invitation.
The comment, in itself, was rude and (even though BiL is unaware of the situation) insensitive, but sadly fairly common “banter”, probably not meant to cause hurt. But you say BiL and the others in your H’s family “are not nice people”; does your H agree?
WorraLiberty · 21/11/2019 18:34
I don’t think your BiL is a massive dickhead, based on that one comment. I think he was teasing his brother and got it spectacularly wrong which, in his defence, he wasn’t to know. It’s not uncommon banter.
Exactly. It's certainly thoughtless brother to brother banter but it doesn't make him a massive dickhead.
LakieLady · 21/11/2019 18:35
I don’t want upset everybody by not going and worried they’ll just turn up at ours anyway as my pil only live about a 15 min drive away and they pass ours. I’ll be asked why I haven’t gone.
Could you contract the ailment that DP calls "diplomatic flu" and just stay home? That way your DH will have to stay and look after you and you'll have the perfect excuse to spend all day in your PJs.
Your BIL sounds utterly vile. How anyone can think that's an ok thing to say beats me.
Drum2018 · 21/11/2019 18:38
Fake a stomach bug on Christmas Eve. Tell Dh to go to his parents Christmas morning if they are ok with the possibility of him bringing the bug to their house. They certainly won't want you anywhere near them! Then go to your parents and stay there as long as you like.
Alternatively just tell Dh you are not going to his family this year to be interrogated as you will undoubtedly stab one of them - preferably BIl.
HollowTalk · 21/11/2019 18:42
I wouldn't want to mix with a guy like that regardless of whether I was having fertility problems, but given your problems (which I really hope are resolved quickly) I can't see why you or your husband would want to spend time with him.
Sometimes there's nothing wrong with saying, "Sorry, we won't be coming because last Christmas BIL was such a dick we thought we'd avoid him in future."
Coliflowerchwese · 21/11/2019 18:44
I now it would have been helpful I just didn’t want to repeat everything. These remarks have been made every time in the last year we have been around the family. I now don’t go to anything and avoid them at all costs.
They’ve noticed and wonder why. I’m open to telling them all and especially telling bil why but my oh has said no so I have to respect he wants this private with only parents knowing. Mil has been surprisingly very nice about it and has said to ignore it.
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