WIBU to insist DS continues with his musical instrument?

[countrybump]

My DS is 13 and has been learning an instrument since he was about 8. He's quite good at playing it, but shy about performing in front of people and hates exams (and gets anxious about them).

Over the years we've spent a lot of time and a huge amount of money on lessons and equipment.

Up until recently there was no question of him giving up this instrument. But, now he says he wants to because it's not fun any more.

I've already removed all the parts of learning this instrument that made him anxious. He doesn't perform in any of the school concerts etc and he's stopped doing the exams. He has an amazing teacher and goes just once a week to a formal lesson where he is learning to play for his own pleasure rather than for a grade or performance.

Maybe that is the problem - that there isn't any challenge there now?

My reasons for wanting him to continue is that, apart from all the time and money invested, I really think once he gives up he will never go back to it and at some point he will regret it and wish he had persevered.

I know that, at 13 there are a lot of distractions out there, and he does have a lot of school work and wants to spend time with friends, but there is time for this instrument as well.

So as not to drip feed, he does have a two other clubs and sports that he does each week, but also has plenty of free time as well for homework, computer games and seeing friends. The lessons aren't at an otherwise inconvenient time and the practice is little and often.

He's a very easy going child and will likely keep going with it, maybe with a little grumble every now and again, if I ask him too. But, am I right to insist?

Do any of you regret giving up something as a child and have you taken it up again as an adult?

I think he should keep it up. I really regret giving up music lessons at 17 (parents insisted I get a pt job, between that and 6th form something had to go) and took up my instrument again 10 years later. Makes me sad to think how good I could have been.

Is it what he's learning that is causing the grumbles? Depends on the instrument, but you could look at taking jazz, rock or folk tuition in addition to, or instead of the traditional classical stuff, as young people often stick to that much more readily.

If he is only learning it for fun, and it's not fun anymore, where is the fun in that?

I think at 13 they are old enough to decide. Carry on until the end of term and if he still feels the same, let it go.

He's 13, he's been playing for 5 years and he's lost interest. He's old enough to know how he feels. Let him give it up.
He might pick it up again as an adult, he night pick up another instrument instead, but that's his choice.

If he is only learning it for fun, and it's not fun anymore, where is the fun in that?

I think at 13 they are old enough to decide. Carry on until the end of term and if he still feels the same, let it go.

I gave up a musical instrument a couple of years older than your son. I didn’t love it enough to deal with the nonsense around learning it, or to practise. I do like that it means as an adult I can read music. I don’t really regret giving it up - I carried on with music through singing which I enjoy a lot more.

I think there’s a sunken costs fallacy going on here. You’re worried about a wasted investment, but you’re prepared to continue paying for him to do something he dislikes and isn’t going to invest in himself?

Let him give it up. He can return to playing as an adult if he wishes. A guaranteed way to make anyone hate something is by forcing it upon them.

It’s probably an age a lot of kids give up (and then regret it years later as adults!) but do you want the grumbling week in, week out? I would probably reluctantly let mine stop x

My DS is a similar age and currently having intermittent lessons but not doing exams etc. But he plays in a youth band once a week - very little pressure but he finds it more fun than just playing on his own. Is that an option?

If you tell us the instrument we can make suggestions!

Keep going!

Both mine play instruments to high standards - but they play because they love it. I no longer have to nag them to practice. They just do it. Both play in various bands both at school and elsewhere and those kids being forced to keep up an instrument because they might regret it when they are an adult don't do well and frustrate those kids who genuinely enjoy it. Let him stop if he wants to. He can always take it up again. I learnt to play the piano in my 30s!

I was forced to learn various instruments- piano, recorder, cello- from the age of six. My parents wouldn’t budge an inch on the grounds that they had always regretted never having the opportunity themselves. I hated it, resisted all the way, never really got any good at any of them. The recorder and cello went as soon as I got to secondary school. I carried on with piano lessons by choice until I was 15 or 16, and to be fair I do now appreciate the grounding it gave me. It took 25 years until I had any kind of genuine interest in classical music, but when it did develop, the background was still there. But what all those enforced lessons haven’t given me is any kind of pride in perseverance. The opposite- I’ve gone through life jacking things in the moment they stop being fun BECAUSE I’M AN ADULT AND I CAN. So tbh I’m not sure it achieves much, I think it’s better to give children the freedom to discover what they actually love and want to work hard at, and then it won’t be a battle of wills.

How many times and over what period has he said he wants to give up? I.e. does he really want to, or was he just feeling tired/grumpy?

I do think maybe without the concerts and exams there isn’t enough structure/purpose to make it rewarding. I’d suggest trying to find a way for him to play with other people as others have suggested.

I wish someone had made me play an instrument as a child. Or rather, I wish I was lucky enough for someone to have been able to invest in me like that as a child.

For every adult who regrets giving up an instrument and wishes they had persevered, there is another who remembers with loathing the time spent practising an instrument and wishes they had been allowed to give it up sooner!

But if he continues to want to give up after say another few months, I wouldn’t insist on him continuing.

I did wonder whether if he played alongside friends he might feel differently - on the occasions when his friends who also play an instrument have been over they seem to enjoy playing together. I can look at whether there are clubs he could join, or it could be as simple as encouraging his musical friends to visit more often!

He will continue until the end of this term and then make a decision. As previous posters have said - I don't want to force him to do something he isn't enjoying, because what's the point, and also I don't want to spend more money.

But, I also want to make sure he has really considered whether this is something he wants to give up and I wonder whether, actually, in the long run my encouragement for him to keep going will be the right thing.

If he really doesn't want to continue I won't force him.

I can’t see any reason to make him continue. The money is already spent, you won’t get that back either way and you have had your money’s worth from the lessons so far, he knows what he should know given how many lessons he’s had. If he regrets giving up he can take he instrument up at another time, but for now he doesn’t want to continue: why would you make his suffer through forced lessons to avoid the possibility of regret in the future?! That makes no sense.

If he's not enjoying it, let him give up. He can still play for pleasure at home as and when he wants to. He might go back to it later and might not. Speaking as a music teacher, there's nothing worse than trying to teach someone who is not interested. One of my pupils gave up in her teens and has now come back to lessons which she loves. She is 76.

He's already had a load of benefit from learning an instrument so don't let the 'money spent' argument be the decision. If he's doing it for fun there's no 'end objective' to what the money should pay for except education, is there?

@zucchinicourgette I think that's part of my conundrum. The grumbles and request to give up has only been this term and seems to be quite sudden. Also there is changing friendship groups and has been some real stress around homework. And he's 13 and that in itself brings with it anxieties and changes.

There's a lot going on, and I'm worried that he would be giving up the instrument based on how he feels this term rather than how he might feel in a few months! I guess the answer to that is to continue to the end of this term and then reassess.

How about getting a music teacher to do a regular band session with a group of his friends? My son is in a band like this because his friend’s dad wanted to make music more fun for his son. My ds is pretty keen on his instruments but he definitely enjoys practicing more when he has something to work towards.

My parents FORCED me to keep playing piano, I cried over this as your DS's age- I hated piano with a passion but I'm so pleased they did push me because now I love playing...and am forcing my own DC

I'm in the crowd that deeply regrets stopping music at 11. At that point I was just on the recorder but moved up to a boarding school which had a band, orchestra, choir etc.

My kids never really took to music despite my wife being a professional opera singer. We didn't force them. They can have their own regrets later in life.