WIBU to insist DS continues with his musical instrument?

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My DS is 13 and has been learning an instrument since he was about 8. He's quite good at playing it, but shy about performing in front of people and hates exams (and gets anxious about them).

Over the years we've spent a lot of time and a huge amount of money on lessons and equipment.

Up until recently there was no question of him giving up this instrument. But, now he says he wants to because it's not fun any more.

I've already removed all the parts of learning this instrument that made him anxious. He doesn't perform in any of the school concerts etc and he's stopped doing the exams. He has an amazing teacher and goes just once a week to a formal lesson where he is learning to play for his own pleasure rather than for a grade or performance.

Maybe that is the problem - that there isn't any challenge there now?

My reasons for wanting him to continue is that, apart from all the time and money invested, I really think once he gives up he will never go back to it and at some point he will regret it and wish he had persevered.

I know that, at 13 there are a lot of distractions out there, and he does have a lot of school work and wants to spend time with friends, but there is time for this instrument as well.

So as not to drip feed, he does have a two other clubs and sports that he does each week, but also has plenty of free time as well for homework, computer games and seeing friends. The lessons aren't at an otherwise inconvenient time and the practice is little and often.

He's a very easy going child and will likely keep going with it, maybe with a little grumble every now and again, if I ask him too. But, am I right to insist?

Do any of you regret giving up something as a child and have you taken it up again as an adult?

Only continue if he wants to do music gcse

A lot of my childhood memories are of being forced to play instruments when I didn't want to.
I had no talent or interest in playing them and would have much preferred riding lessons or karate to the endless scales practice. I hated it.
I haven't touched an instrument since I left home.

What's the instrument. Is he actually good at it ( be honest, is he actually decent or 5 years on is he still sounding like a beginner) Has he ever expressed he wants to do it has a career? Does he want to do music at GCSE in which case needs to carry on with it for me he course?

The instrument is guitar and he moved to an electric guitar a few years ago. It's a cool instrument, and he is good at it.

He's just lost the excitement of it. We'll try and make it more fun and see where we end up. I would love to be able to rekindle the enjoyment he got from it. I think playing with other people, even if it isn't in a formal way, might be the answer.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I won't be forcing him to continue with anything if it's making him unhappy, but I will be encouraging him to find ways to enjoy it and stick at it.

Right now, if it is no more fun, let him stop it for a while. As kids tend to do, we became bored even of the things we love most. Some time later, you could suggest trying it again. I stopped learning violin when I was 13, having picked it up because my mum wanted for me what she couldn't, so it felt like a prison; but somehow now, that I'm 17, I am taking it up again because I fall in love again with the music; but seriously, I regret leaving it when it started to get complicated. Try that he rediscover his passion for it, like seeing a concert of his instrument or some videos. But, as he is still young, it not tragic if he stopped now. He will return eventually, if he really loved his music.

Who is he learning it for himself or you? If it’s you surely you are just wasting your money.
If he has no interest anymore he may get rusty but the basic knowledge will stay with. You say he has plenty of time for other things, but in a year or so he will have to concentrate on his future.
Let him enjoy what’s left of his childhood whilst he can.

Say to him that if he still wants to quit in a year he can. This is what my mum did with me. I thought it was fair.

Let him drop it. I started hating piano lessons at about the beginning of secondary school (started year 2 and never progressed much and my 4 year younger brother was better) took me a long time to be brave enough to ask my mum if I could stop as I knew lessons are expensive and felt guilty. She said fine no problem. She loves playing piano....I still don't.

He could always pick it up again in a few years (or decades)

As a music teacher, 13/14 is the age lots of kids start to form little bands with their friends. I always used to have groups of kids in the practice rooms at lunch time with their latest ‘band’ (guitar, bass guitar, drums, singer etc)- some have even gone on to do it professionally! Even if they didn’t have lessons (and weren’t very good in some cases) it was a lovely thing for them to do socially. Maybe don’t insist on lessons but encourage him to keep playing in some way or other.

Not immediately. We àll go through phases. Wait a term. At least. Make it social, for most children this is a large part of the fun.

This is a bit like reading about myself. :)

At age 7 (year 3), my mum decided I should start to play the violin (she'd played as a child as well), so put me forward for a test at school, to see if I had any aptitude. Needless to say, I failed the test and wasn't accepted onto lessons.
But mum had a violin of her own hanging around, which she used for bartering. Basically, let my daughter have lessons, and you can borrow this violin for another child. And the school agreed.

So, I started lessons, and actually wasn't hopeless, passing my grade 1 exam with a distinction. Then eventually went through grades 2,3 and 4.

Unlike your son, OP, I enjoyed the concerts and the Saturday music schools etc, but hated the exams and all the practising. Also, I unluckily got a horrible teacher, when I was about 13, who spent most the hour berating me and telling me off.
I told my parents I didn't want to do any more exams, and after I complained about the horrible teacher, I went back to do private lessons with my old teacher I'd had as a kid, who I liked.

But then I got to 16, and just decided, "you know what? I'm not good enough to be a professional musician, I'm not interested enough, I've got other things I'd rather be doing." So I quit, and my parents let me, without any fuss.
I mean, you can't MAKE a 16 year old do an instrument, if they don't want to, and I didn't want to any more.

OP, if he wants to quit, let him. He's been doing it a long time (by his standards) and he's got no love for it any more. But perhaps make it clear to him that if he wants to start up again sometime, you'll support that, or if he'd like to try a different instrument, that's also fine as well.

I do believe that it's really valuable for children to learn an instrument, as it gives them so many experiences and skills they wouldn't otherwise get a chance to gain. But they should be able to take some personal ownership over it.

For me, while being a violinist wasn't my calling long-term, it led me to choral singing. Something I've been doing seriously for nearly 30 years now, and love. There are always other ways to make music.

Is there another instrument he fancies trying instead? So he continues to learn but something different?

I played the violin from seven but I was never very good at it, then at eleven I discovered the piano and found my niche. I kept playing both until I turned eighteen but as an adult I haven’t touched the violin once whereas I play piano for my own pleasure regularly.

I can see why he’s not getting a huge amount from the electric guitar if he’s also not into playing with others, it’s really an instrument that tends to lead to being in bands if people get good enough. Has he reached an age yet where he’s got into listening to music and into specific bands or artists? I find that tends to come around 12-14 for most kids, where one day for whatever reason they find their way from just listening to whatever is on the radio to discovering a genre or band they really identify with, and that can often really spur on continuing to play! Is he interested in listening to or watching many guitarists? Most electric guitar kids I knew back in my teens were into bands like Iron Maiden, Metallica etc., my own discovery of System of a Down and Muse drove me to want to play guitar and piano much more if only to be able to play their songs.

Is he actually ‘into’ music of his own accord? I wonder as another way of seeing whether he could find it appealing you could offer to get him and a friend tickets to an upcoming gig over the next six months within a couple hours radius, obviously let him look at who’s touring and choose something, or even just going to a few local band shows that are free entry, battle of the bands are usually cool to see a range of people. Maybe he will be more inspired seeing other people play. But of course ultimately if he’s not enjoying it it should be down to him whether he continues.

It’s an interesting instrument to learn as your first instrument as it excludes you from stuff like youth orchestras and I’m guessing (might be wrong) he’s taught to read tablature rather than sheet music?

All of my school friends were pushed into learning an instrument or three. In our late 30s now and only 2 of us still play. Was a bit of a waste of time and money and most of us didn't enjoy it at the time either

Yanbu. It doesn't harm a child to have duties and if one of them in your family is learning and practising an instrument then fine. It's a good way to learn to keep going at something even when they don't feel like it. Perfectly reasonable parenting. Lal children should learn an instrument IMHO. It would be really beneificial for learning an instrument to be on the school curriculum and be as usual as maths and English and pe. You wouldn't let your child give those up...

Speaking as a musician, let him give it up. If it's not fun for him anymore and you force him to continue he will grow to resent it and he'll never go back to it.

If you let him stop now, he may well come back to it in the future and pick it up again and have refound the joy. It's never too late to learn to play an instrument, never ever. Music should be something that is fun, when it's not fun then it's time to stop. Let it go, let him make his own way. He won't forget what he's learned already, what he's learned already will not be wasted. It's fine.

Let him give it up as he can go back to it or just practice himself.

I don't know why there is a debate, if he isn't keen and has other interests then this shouldn't be an issue.

Mine gave up and then restarted for fun. It will never be a passion or career but something they can do later.

My parents forced me to take up an instrument at age 9 for which I displayed no talent and even less enthusiasm. By the time I was 13 I was well and truly ready to jack it in because not only was I miserable about the practice, the orchestra, the exams and the bloody thing itself, but I was also missing out on sport and academic interests that I actually wanted to pursue.

They insisted I carried on because they never had the opportunity. The only real thing I learned was that my own wishes had no place in the discussion. The biggest resentment, though, was that I was unable to extract any kind of pleasure from classical music for several years until I was 16.

Thirty years on I love listening to others making music, love singing, but I would sooner chew my own legs off than pick up that instrument again.

Stopped piano lessons when I was around 16 to concentrate on GCSEs and deeply regret it now! I've just started getting back into playing as an adult and love it!