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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to insist DS continues with his musical instrument?

69 replies

countrybump · 21/11/2019 15:11

My DS is 13 and has been learning an instrument since he was about 8. He's quite good at playing it, but shy about performing in front of people and hates exams (and gets anxious about them).

Over the years we've spent a lot of time and a huge amount of money on lessons and equipment.

Up until recently there was no question of him giving up this instrument. But, now he says he wants to because it's not fun any more.

I've already removed all the parts of learning this instrument that made him anxious. He doesn't perform in any of the school concerts etc and he's stopped doing the exams. He has an amazing teacher and goes just once a week to a formal lesson where he is learning to play for his own pleasure rather than for a grade or performance.

Maybe that is the problem - that there isn't any challenge there now?

My reasons for wanting him to continue is that, apart from all the time and money invested, I really think once he gives up he will never go back to it and at some point he will regret it and wish he had persevered.

I know that, at 13 there are a lot of distractions out there, and he does have a lot of school work and wants to spend time with friends, but there is time for this instrument as well.

So as not to drip feed, he does have a two other clubs and sports that he does each week, but also has plenty of free time as well for homework, computer games and seeing friends. The lessons aren't at an otherwise inconvenient time and the practice is little and often.

He's a very easy going child and will likely keep going with it, maybe with a little grumble every now and again, if I ask him too. But, am I right to insist?

Do any of you regret giving up something as a child and have you taken it up again as an adult?

OP posts:

Original poster

countrybump · 21/11/2019 15:52

@zucchinicourgette I think that's great advice. DS def seems to enjoy it most when he and his friends are just playing together. I think I'm going to speak to his teacher and see what we can do to make the next few weeks more fun, and encourage a few musical friends to visit and see what happens.

I can see how the fun might have gone out of it.

OP posts:

Pinkblueberry · 21/11/2019 15:54

I think 13 is old enough to decide you don’t want to play anymore - and if he’s been learning since he was 8 he must be fairly proficient so it’s not something he will unlearn or forget, it’s still a skill he can hold on to. I think it’s normal at 13 to have become bored of something that you started at the age of 8 - five years is a long time.

Chocolatelover45 · 21/11/2019 15:54

Get him to join an orchestra or band. Much more fun than playing alone

zucchinicourgette · 21/11/2019 15:56

Also, I wouldn’t hesitate to let him take a break from regular practice for a few weeks if he has a lot of other stuff going on. Maybe that will help it seem like less of a chore. I think you want to give him the opportunity to have music bring him joy for his whole life so you need to look at the long term. If he doesn’t improve or even goes backwards for a few months it doesn’t matter that much.

ChicCroissant · 21/11/2019 15:58

If he stops and wants to restart, then he can - if you really think he'd never play again without the lessons then he really doesn't want to play it!

MatildaTheCat · 21/11/2019 16:03

I played the piano badly as a child and eventually gave up aged around 13/14. Never practiced properly etc.

I drafted again this year decades later and after starting from scratch- couldn’t remember how to read music even- I’m back to where I was and more after 10 months. The difference is that I now adore it and practice too much sometimes.

Agree with trying the band option and trying to keep it cool (this matters so much at his age). If he still wants to stop I’d let him but encourage him to play for fun anyway.

MuddlingMackem · 21/11/2019 16:03

I would say ride out the grumbles, he might appreciate having it to go to as an escape during GCSEs - if he doesn't opt to study music.

Sounds like a good idea to have his friends round more to play with, especially if the teacher is prepared to teach them new stuff as an ensemble.

And if he hasn't enjoyed playing at school, is there a local youth or church band he could join for regular but unpressured practice? My kids both play an instrument and the younger definitely went through a want-to-quit stage, but we dragged her through it and she's back to enjoying it. Both kids also enjoy the social side of being part of a band though, so it may be the solitary one-to-one aspect your son is finding boring.

Blobby10 · 21/11/2019 16:21

It depends on the instrument - I had this with all mine and tbh if he isn't enjoying it any more then there is little you can do other than force him and what's the point in that? It will just end in a battle. Eldest stopped playing clarinet because 'it was a girls instrument' and gave ammunition to his bullies. Middle stopped playing trumpet when he moved to high school, youngest stopped playing flute when horses got more interesting. Youngest wishes she hadn't stopped. Middle one has developed a passion for classical music and listens to hours of it but no desire to play. eldest plays drums

Your DS has got the basics and will be able to pick it up again when he's older if he wants or take up a new instrument. He may regret giving up but its a life lesson - ie parents know best (often not always! )

Drabarni · 21/11/2019 16:24

YABU to insist and that comes from a parent with a musical child.
He will resent you if you force him to continue.
Just leave him to it, he'll pick it up if/when he wants to.
When it's not fun anymore it' time to stop.

transformandriseup · 21/11/2019 16:29

I had the same issue with my parents and the instrument I had paid for years but just because a lot of money has been spent it doesn't mean the skill is lost. Forcing him will definitely cause resentment.

PutOnYourDamnSocks · 21/11/2019 16:32

One musical instrument is the only non negotiable thing in this house (well that and learning to swim).

So it’s a YANBU from me.

Original poster

countrybump · 21/11/2019 16:33

Thanks everyone. I'm going to look into ways of making it more fun and sociable and see where we get. He'll continue to the end of this term anyway.

I'm going to encourage him to keep going, but not force him to.

OP posts:

Drabarni · 21/11/2019 16:38

musical instrument is the only non negotiable thing in this house

watch as much porn as they like, be on social media all night, but woe betide if you don't play music

Why force your kids to live your failed dreams? if they don't want to do it they'll hate you for it when they are older.

MereDintofPandiculation · 21/11/2019 17:07

See if he'd like to learn another instrument. It was my second instrument I carried on into adulthood, not my primary one.

newnameforthis76 · 21/11/2019 17:21

Would you want to spend your leisure time doing something you didn't like, just for the sake of it?

He's 13. Let him enjoy himself in his spare time rather than forcing him to do 'improving' activities.

If he regrets giving up, he can always pick up an instrument again at any time in his life.

In answer to your question, no, I don't regret giving up any of the things I gave up as a child. In fact, one of the things that I am most grateful to my parents for is that they let me decide how I wanted to fill my spare time.

Trollstice · 21/11/2019 17:27

What is the instrument? Tbh if its bassoon or something equally niche and he's not loving it, why force him when he clearly won't be an orchestral bassoonist etc? Something like guitar I'd push for more as that is an instrument you can play alone or with others and will hold his interest better as a young adult.

DonPablo · 21/11/2019 17:27

Eugh, I was forced to continue with an instrument and hated it. Everything about it. Eventually I put my foot down at 15 and refused to do it anymore. Do I regret it now I'm an adult? Absolutely. But I don't force my kids to do hobbies they don't like as a result.

Your plan sounds great.

daisypond · 21/11/2019 17:27

Does he practise willingly or is that a drag too? One of mine was a talented musician at a junior conservatoire-type scheme and gave it up at 12. I thought it was a huge shame, but now a young adult, they have no regrets.

daisypond · 21/11/2019 17:34

Meant to say, stopped the conservatoire place at 12, but carried on with weekly lessons until about 14 before quitting for good and has never played since.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 21/11/2019 17:42

If he has enjoyed playing the instrument till now then he might well come back to it after a break. I would go with whatever he is telling you he wants to do.

DS, now in his thirties, has just bought himself a piano. We still have the French horn he played at school, because, well, you never know...

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 21/11/2019 17:43

Giving up does not have to be forever.

My DS wanted to give up violin at 12. We changed his teacher (as he had changed and his old teacher was strict abrsm exam pieces only) and he did a bit more pop/folk stuff abd no more exams.

He ended up giving up at 15, but by then he was into electric guitars and piano. He plays guitar with friends /on his own, self taught. He says it is easy after violin.

I don't see his violin lessons as wasted money/time. It made him love music, he did music gcse, and lots of his friends are into music.

Maybe my ambitions are low for him, but it was never about getting grade 8 abrsm. It was always more about learning to have fun with music iyswim.

Maybe ask your DS if he wants to play a different style if music? A different instrument?

What does he play? If a string instrument, transition to the "teenage cool" electric guitar is easy

whyayepetal · 21/11/2019 17:45

Been through this at a roughly similar age with my DD. She was really starting to hate playing the violin despite being being a pretty useful and musical player.

I eventually said she could stop, having been round the loop of moving teacher (this was a good move) and stopping doing one of the orchestras (because it was on a Friday evening - not good with birthday parties etc to attend!) I was gutted, but also didn’t want her to end up hating music as a result of being pushed to continue.

She is now at uni.........studying music (but not violin!)

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 21/11/2019 17:47

What's the instrument? If it's something like a tuba, no teenager wants to be playing that. What if he switched to something that's more cool like guitar?

Londonmummy66 · 21/11/2019 18:12

I had this with my dd last year - she was then invited on an orchestra tour over the summer where she had a whale of a time and is enthused again. Can you find a group he can play with - orchestra or band or jazz group?

mcmooberry · 21/11/2019 18:21

Typical I always come late to every thread where I might have good advice and it's already given! Definitely join an ensemble! My DS plays trombone and if he wasn't in a junior brass band he definitely would never practice just to play himself. I plan to support this as far as it goes and love going along to the band performances and you will too!

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