AIBU?
Seen my Ex
Cinders29 · 21/11/2019 13:51
Ok, so very long story short...
I had an ex - someone who I genuinely never really had any serious feelings for. We used to party a lot and it was a time in my life ( early 20s ) it was all I was doing. Since splitting up ( I left cus he was basically a waster and wanted to sort my life out ) we haven't seen each other at all ( in 10 years ) I've had no feelings towards him other than the odd ' oh I miss those time's a bit ' but more the being young and carefree although would never ever go back to doing that.
Annnyyywwaaayy, my now husband can be very paranoid and jealous. He is seeing a counsellor for this and started taking medication because it got to the point a few months ago I'd had enough. I generally don't have much of a life as we have a child with special needs however when I've tried to go out with friends or anything he's made it really difficult for me.
Since starting to see a counsellor he's been so so good. And I went out for the first time ( probably this year ) last Saturday. No bother he was great. I felt like we were finally getting somewhere.
And then I was dickhead. So I got to a charity thing for someone I knew way back when who recently passed away. Said ex was best friends with this person so I and dh always knew he would be there. Anyway, I seen him and naturally had a catch up it was good to see him however literally zero part of me fancied him or would ever go back there but was funny to reminisce and like I say catch up... I got fairly drunk I was having a really good time and for the first time in so long I felt like just me. The bar closed, and a friend of mine asked if I wanted to go back to theirs for a drink before I get a taxi home. ( they live 1 min away from bar ) start walking back and I soon realise ex is also coming back. I didn't think much of it tbh. I stayed for prob half hour and ordered a taxi ( getting home an hour from when I first arrived ) nothing happened just chatted, had a drink.
Anyway, told dh next day he went up the wall and has been quite poorly stressing over it this week and I feel AWFUL. I never ever ever wanted to hurt him especially as he'd been trying to hard. I've basically thrown it back in his face. I feel about it tbh. I've also kind proved him right.
My AIBU.... I have said to him after lots of going round in circles that we eventually need to get over it and he has to still trust me. I know he can trust me but I know I haven't really shown that I am trusty-worthy ( although first time this has happened in 10 years ) I feel like we're going to have to almost forget it happened and he can't keep me from going out ever again. But I feel like now he's going to and I dunno if I'm BU expecting him to be ok about it even though I've done this!
areyouafraidofthedark · 21/11/2019 13:59
Ffs you've done nothing wrong. The first time you go out after the so called therapy and medication is working and he reacts like that. Clearly nothing is working and you'll soon realise your back to square one with him accusing you of things all the time. Do you want to live like that?
Sn0tnose · 21/11/2019 14:23
I know he can trust me but I know I haven't really shown that I am trusty-worthy What exactly is it that you’ve done that suggests he can’t trust you?
I feel like we're going to have to almost forget it happened I think that if you forget his reaction to something completely innocent, that would be a big mistake.
he can't keep me from going out ever again. But I feel like now he's going to Controlling your movements is the sign of a dangerous individual and an extremely unhealthy relationship.
and I dunno if I'm BU expecting him to be ok about it even though I've done this!. What is it you’ve done wrong? He should be ok about it. You haven’t lied to him, or cheated on him. You have done NOTHING wrong!
I would suggest that you start to see your own counsellor. This isn’t normal or healthy.
DisplayPurposesOnly · 21/11/2019 14:28
Oh dear lord. You haven't done anything wrong.
Your husband is a jealous controlling arse.
for the first time in so long I felt like just me
I can't tell you how sad that is. Your husband isnt adding to your life is he - he's squeezed the breath out of it.
Ditsythespider · 21/11/2019 14:30
I think the wrong person is annoyed here op, because you should be utterly bloody furious with your partner.
Being in the same house as your ex isn’t exactly crime of the century is it. You did nothing wrong.
You should be telling your DP to sort out his attitude or sort out a new place to live. You’ve done nothing wrong.
Shelby2010 · 21/11/2019 14:35
You went to an event & then had a drink at a friends house while waiting for a taxi. Your ex was there but you didn’t kiss, shag, arrange to meet up privately or sext each other.
What do you think you’ve done wrong? Your controlling DH has brainwashed you. Funny how he was getting so much better right up until the point that you actually went out & had a good time?! And also seems to have convinced you that you’re the problem not him.
I don’t know what medicine he is on but I don’t think it cures Twattiness. Maybe they can switch it to arsenic.
Bluntness100 · 21/11/2019 14:36
Op how can he stop you going out? Only you can do this.
You have done absolutely nothing wrong here. He has significant mental health problems and he needs to manage his mental illness and not take it out on you to this extent. You were not a dickhead, not even slightly.
HiJenny35 · 21/11/2019 14:38
I'm not sure if you've missed a bit out the op because otherwise it makes no sense. What do you mean you've sort of proved his right? Did you sleep with ex? Or kiss or something? I'm so confused, because if you didn't you've done absolutely nothing wrong and oh is being controlling and you are starting to believe his ranting. If you cheated then that's one thing but otherwise it's time to realise that this isn't normal, it isn't right and it's time to leave.
MrsAgassi · 21/11/2019 14:53
Ditto everyone else. I thought you were going to say you’d kissed or slept with him.
Being in the same house at the same time as an ex is not something that should be a problem. You’ve done nothing wrong at all.
Not only has your husband got a problem, he’s obviously convinced you that something perfectly normal equates to you being a “dickhead”.
I’m so sorry you feel like you’ve done something wrong. You haven’t. Throwawayteacher · 21/11/2019 15:00
You have done nothing wrong.
Your husband needing to take medication to stop him being controlling is just not healthy in a marriage at all.
You need a break, you need to be yourself and not just a mum and wife. You deserve to be happy and he can't say otherwise because you spent one hour at an event he knew your ex would be at?
This may be a leap but the fact he knew your ex would be there makes me feel like he let you go on purpose knowing you would talk to the ex and that DH could then use it to stop you leaving the house again.
dreichwinter · 21/11/2019 15:10
Same as everyone else I was waiting for part of the story that never came.
You haven't done anything wrong.
I also think that you would benefit from counseling for yourself because you seem to have internalized some of your DH's very skewed boundaries.
This is his problem, not yours, he needs to own it and manage it.
You need to remember this.
Cinders29 · 21/11/2019 15:27
Oh wow !!! Ok I wasn't expecting that at all!
I have to admit, if I found out he was at a house with his ex I wouldn't be overly happy but I can rationalise it and I trust him. I know he doesn't trust me and so I guess i feel bad for being in a situation where he would have to just trust nothing happened and because I know how much he over thinks.
The doctor put him on medication cus he seems to think he has some kind of OCD where he obsessively thinks about bad things happening.
Friends of mine have all expressed they think I've done nothing wrong, but said I prob shouldn't have told him because it isn't worth all the shit for what it was but I don't want to have to lie to him.
His counsellor apparently said to him 'so she basically chose to go with her ex instead of going home to her husband' which I suppose I did but it wasn't really a conscious decision as such but saying that itself makes it look like I get so drunk anything could happen - which I know it wouldn't but it's how he see's it - which the more I think about it - is fucked up, like I'm a child. ( reading your comments is making me feel like that's exactly how I'm behaving )
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