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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seen my Ex

71 replies

Cinders29 · 21/11/2019 13:51

Ok, so very long story short...

I had an ex - someone who I genuinely never really had any serious feelings for. We used to party a lot and it was a time in my life ( early 20s ) it was all I was doing. Since splitting up ( I left cus he was basically a waster and wanted to sort my life out ) we haven't seen each other at all ( in 10 years ) I've had no feelings towards him other than the odd ' oh I miss those time's a bit ' but more the being young and carefree although would never ever go back to doing that.

Annnyyywwaaayy, my now husband can be very paranoid and jealous. He is seeing a counsellor for this and started taking medication because it got to the point a few months ago I'd had enough. I generally don't have much of a life as we have a child with special needs however when I've tried to go out with friends or anything he's made it really difficult for me.

Since starting to see a counsellor he's been so so good. And I went out for the first time ( probably this year ) last Saturday. No bother he was great. I felt like we were finally getting somewhere.

And then I was dickhead. So I got to a charity thing for someone I knew way back when who recently passed away. Said ex was best friends with this person so I and dh always knew he would be there. Anyway, I seen him and naturally had a catch up it was good to see him however literally zero part of me fancied him or would ever go back there but was funny to reminisce and like I say catch up... I got fairly drunk I was having a really good time and for the first time in so long I felt like just me. The bar closed, and a friend of mine asked if I wanted to go back to theirs for a drink before I get a taxi home. ( they live 1 min away from bar ) start walking back and I soon realise ex is also coming back. I didn't think much of it tbh. I stayed for prob half hour and ordered a taxi ( getting home an hour from when I first arrived ) nothing happened just chatted, had a drink.

Anyway, told dh next day he went up the wall and has been quite poorly stressing over it this week and I feel AWFUL. I never ever ever wanted to hurt him especially as he'd been trying to hard. I've basically thrown it back in his face. I feel about it tbh. I've also kind proved him right.

My AIBU.... I have said to him after lots of going round in circles that we eventually need to get over it and he has to still trust me. I know he can trust me but I know I haven't really shown that I am trusty-worthy ( although first time this has happened in 10 years ) I feel like we're going to have to almost forget it happened and he can't keep me from going out ever again. But I feel like now he's going to and I dunno if I'm BU expecting him to be ok about it even though I've done this!

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 21/11/2019 15:29

OP, you need to LTB. He is abusive, pure and simple. You have done nothing wrong at all.

I used to be with an abusive person. It won't get any better regardless of counselling or medication.

for the first time in so long I felt like just me

You should be feeling like this all the time. He is the one with all the issues.

category12 · 21/11/2019 15:30

Um, I would seriously doubt that the counsellor said that. It's more likely his interpretation of what they said to shore up his obsession. If they did say that, he needs a new one.

MulticolourMophead · 21/11/2019 15:31

His counsellor apparently said to him 'so she basically chose to go with her ex instead of going home to her husband'

Of course, you weren't there to hear

A) how he actually presented this to the counsellor,

B) what the counsellor actually said....

Abusers are known to use counselling as a stick against their partners, I would trust a word he says.

MulticolourMophead · 21/11/2019 15:32

Wouldn't trust, not would trust

Original poster
Cinders29 · 21/11/2019 15:33

When I say 'first time I felt like me' I feel more like not the mum, the wife etc if that makes sense. We have a lot of stress with ds, spend a fair bit of time in hospital etc so I meant more in the sense I was able to let my hair down and forget some
Of the worry

OP posts:
category12 · 21/11/2019 15:33

Also, trusting you with no proof to back it up is normal.

Unless you've a history of cheating on him, the default should be to believe what you say about what you've been doing.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 21/11/2019 15:35

Either his counsellor is incredibly unprofessional or he's lying to you about either how he's portrayed it to the counsellor or how the counsellor actually responded.

dreichwinter · 21/11/2019 15:35

As a therapist I strongly doubt this is what happened in the counseling session.
It seems far more likely that your dh said some version of this and the counselor made a neutral noise, which DH took as agreement.
Or
The counselor said, " so what you are saying is ...." and DH has remolded this in his head.

messolini9 · 21/11/2019 15:39

I've also kind proved him right.

Right about what?
That you knowingly occupied the same room as an ex who you have no feelings for, surrounded by other people?
Is that a crime, in your relationship?

Your DP has done a real number on you.
HE has control issues around jealousy, yet YOU are the one getting the blame for his preposterous reactions.

I know I haven't really shown that I am trusty-worthy
You know this, do you?
Bullshit. DP has sold you the notion that you are untrustworthy, & you are buying his crap.
Funnily enough, everyone here can see that you ARE trustworthy. You went to an event, you went to the after-party, you realised ex was tagging along so you left after half an hour.
If you were MY girlfriend, I'd find that loyal & loving. I wouldn't be "going up the wall" & stressing about it for a week.

Your DP is being ridiculous, & it has infected you with feelings of somehow not being worthy of him.

Can I just say this again please ... ? - YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG

messolini9 · 21/11/2019 15:41

Also, what Shelby said. Spot on.

And also seems to have convinced you that you’re the problem not him.

messolini9 · 21/11/2019 15:43

His counsellor apparently said to him 'so she basically chose to go with her ex instead of going home to her husband'

Like FUCK did his counsellor say that.

IncrediblySadToo · 21/11/2019 15:48

I bet his counsellor said nothing of the sort!!

You didn’t do anything wrong.

Jesus Christ, he’s done a right number on you over the years!

Run run run....or you’ll have NO life 😢

Smelborp · 21/11/2019 15:51

Another voice adding to the chorus that you’ve done nothing wrong.

MrsAgassi · 21/11/2019 15:53

His counsellor did NOT say that to him, I'd bet on it.

He is manipulating and controlling you, don't believe or tolerate his shit.

IdiotInDisguise · 21/11/2019 15:57

Honestly OP, you are showing some domestic abuse signs... you seem to think it is your fault your madly jealous a
Nd controlling husband has got ballistic because you bumped with some forgotten flame of your past?

What on Earth did you do??? NOTHING, just putting up with a controlling person for far too long

PepePig · 21/11/2019 15:58

It's fine to be a bit iffy over a situation like this. People have emotions- you can't stop yourself feeling a certain way. However, most rational people would accept that the little 'niggly' feeling is entirely to do with their own (however miniscule) insecurity. So, they compress it, and forget about it a day later. Or if they do bring it up, it's squashed very quickly, and forgotten about. No big deal.

However, your husband has behaved appallingly. Honestly, and I say this very frankly, I don't believe that counselling or similar helps everyone in the case of paranoia or insecurity. Sometimes, those behaviours are just who someone is. It isn't helping your husband because at the first 'test' he threw everything he learnt out the window, and went ballistic. He won't change.

I understand the prospect of leaving him probably seems far fetched, especially as you have a child with special needs, but please don't stay with a man who is dragging you down like this. It sounds like this is an on-going issue and honestly, it isn't going to get better. He's just proved that to you.

What will happen, however, is you'll change your behaviour to keep the peace. And that's not only awfully sad, but terribly unfair. Don't listen to whatever excuses he comes up with. I could understand him being upset if this ex had been harassing you for ages and trying to break the two of you up (bad mouthing, shit stirring etc), but you literally hadn't seen him in 10 years. And being upset is one thing, but he cannot control you through his emotive behaviour.

Sit him down, explain to him that counselling clearly isn't working and that if he does it again, you will be divorcing and leaving. Tell him in no uncertain terms that the issues he has are his issues, and he needs to deal with them or get out. Be strong. And follow through if you need to.

BumbleBeee69 · 21/11/2019 15:58

His counsellor apparently said to him 'so she basically chose to go with her ex instead of going home to her husband'

your Husband is LYING TO YOU... no professional would even suggest such a statement OP. Your DH is a manipulating lying controlling scheming bastard.

Ilovethekitties · 21/11/2019 16:00

OP how sad that your whole life is going to be restricted by your husband. You only have one and you are going to live it in the confines of your husbands paranoia - how sad.

IdiotInDisguise · 21/11/2019 16:01

WTF? No counselour would say something so incendiary and aggravating as that. He is lying to make it your fault, typical of abusive controlling partners.

Run to the hills, your OH is a mean man and no amount of counselling and pills would give him a good heart.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/11/2019 16:02

Your husband and his abuse have really done a number on you. You're a prisoner in your own life.

Bluntness100 · 21/11/2019 16:38

His counsellor apparently said to him 'so she basically chose to go with her ex instead of going home to her husband

Your husband is manipulative liar. You know full well no counsellor said that.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 21/11/2019 17:16

I call absolutely BS on what the counsellor allegedly said. Your husband is a nasty piece of work.

JingsMahBucket · 21/11/2019 17:37

LTB. Your husband is abusing you.

MissMudskipper · 21/11/2019 17:40

I didn't want to read and leave. I'm here to join in with EVERYONE else on your thread OP. You have done nothing wrong. Your husband I'm sorry to say is utterly manipulative and controlling. No one should live like that.

Also I cannot for one second believe a counsellor would say that! You were honest and that's because there was nothing there. Please dont let this utter be!!end ruin your life OP FlowersFlowers

Original poster
Cinders29 · 21/11/2019 18:50

Thank you everyone. You've really made me feel better because I was genuinely feeling so shit about it. He was having nose bleeds the other morning ( he gets them when he's stressed ) and I felt heartbroken id done that to him - but actually, if I was an outsider looking him I'd prob think that was a huge overreaction tbh.

The last we spoke about it, he said - whats done is done and to move on. So I'm praying that he really means that and we shall hear no more about it. I have a girls night planned for December it used to be an annual thing but we haven't done it for a few years so fingers crossed it will go smoothly.

Reading your comments I've realised if it doesn't ... I need to leave, because you're absolutely right.

OP posts:
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