Seen my Ex

[Cinders29]

Ok, so very long story short...

I had an ex - someone who I genuinely never really had any serious feelings for. We used to party a lot and it was a time in my life ( early 20s ) it was all I was doing. Since splitting up ( I left cus he was basically a waster and wanted to sort my life out ) we haven't seen each other at all ( in 10 years ) I've had no feelings towards him other than the odd ' oh I miss those time's a bit ' but more the being young and carefree although would never ever go back to doing that.

Annnyyywwaaayy, my now husband can be very paranoid and jealous. He is seeing a counsellor for this and started taking medication because it got to the point a few months ago I'd had enough. I generally don't have much of a life as we have a child with special needs however when I've tried to go out with friends or anything he's made it really difficult for me.

Since starting to see a counsellor he's been so so good. And I went out for the first time ( probably this year ) last Saturday. No bother he was great. I felt like we were finally getting somewhere.

And then I was dickhead. So I got to a charity thing for someone I knew way back when who recently passed away. Said ex was best friends with this person so I and dh always knew he would be there. Anyway, I seen him and naturally had a catch up it was good to see him however literally zero part of me fancied him or would ever go back there but was funny to reminisce and like I say catch up... I got fairly drunk I was having a really good time and for the first time in so long I felt like just me. The bar closed, and a friend of mine asked if I wanted to go back to theirs for a drink before I get a taxi home. ( they live 1 min away from bar ) start walking back and I soon realise ex is also coming back. I didn't think much of it tbh. I stayed for prob half hour and ordered a taxi ( getting home an hour from when I first arrived ) nothing happened just chatted, had a drink.

Anyway, told dh next day he went up the wall and has been quite poorly stressing over it this week and I feel AWFUL. I never ever ever wanted to hurt him especially as he'd been trying to hard. I've basically thrown it back in his face. I feel about it tbh. I've also kind proved him right.

My AIBU.... I have said to him after lots of going round in circles that we eventually need to get over it and he has to still trust me. I know he can trust me but I know I haven't really shown that I am trusty-worthy ( although first time this has happened in 10 years ) I feel like we're going to have to almost forget it happened and he can't keep me from going out ever again. But I feel like now he's going to and I dunno if I'm BU expecting him to be ok about it even though I've done this!

[spingly]

The reason why he doesn't trust you is that he's judging you by his standards, he will go out and cheat so he assumes you will.

Get rid now!

[Cherry4weans]

Also you are generally too exhausted defending yourself against crazy accusations to have the energy to be suspicious (that's the hope). Please do not take him back after he 'decides to pick you' and finds ways to make this your fault. You deserve better.

[k1233]

Interesting Cinders. That's always been my experience. The people who obsess that you are cheating on them are the cheaters. People expect you to behave how they would behave and struggle to think you would act differently. The only caveat to that is if the partner has form for cheating.

[OrangeHue]

Oh wow. So sorry. All that time he was freaking out bcos he knew what he is capable of and projected those feelings on you.

Glad he’s moved out, you deserve much better

[Cinders29]

So just to update .....

I thought I was just going to make it until after Christmas and make a decision either put up and shut up or leave. I had accepted he would never change. No counselling etc was going to change that.

Then last week he went away to work at my brothers house and whilst there met a girl and I found out he'd been messaging her all this week. His brother ( also married ) slept with her friend. I'm heartbroken and also think what a fucking liberty accusing me of all sorts and then messaging some randomer - also slagging me off to her.

He's now moved out.

[BlueJava]

I don't often say this OP but he sounds very controlling abd if he continues you need to leave him. You should think about contingency plans foe where to live and finances because he seems to have really made you believe the problem is with you - and it is not. Not being trusted whwn you have done nothing is awful, i know, so please think about how to move on from here.

[Josephinebettany]

I don't think you're fully understanding that you did nothing wrong.
"What's done is done"??? Nothing was done. Do you not see that? You haven't done anything. You went on a night out.
You need to have a serious discussion with him and take NONE of the blame and if he continues to say you've done something wrong you need to try counselling together or leave him.

[category12]

Have a read of the Victim in this list, OP www.facebook.com/notes/rebecca-cummings/abuser-profiles-from-why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/480862655302912/

[User3421090989098]

He’s using this as an excuse to control you trust me whatever you did he would have reacted in this way. He was waiting for a reason “not to trust you” so he can stop you from going out again. He’s a dick and you’ve done NOTHING wrong.

[Niki93]

I cant help but think your partner is using his mental health, anxieties and insecurities as an excuse to controll you and its working. Because you feel ‘bad’ to talking to someone you had a fling with over 10 years ago. You’re allowed to talk to people, regardless of their past or current relationship to you. If that’s something your partner cant accept then it’s something HE needs to work on, not you. This is major red flags and concerning. You need to make it clear that if he cant get past these things and think rationally, then things wont work. I understand he obviously has some low self esteem issues by what you are saying, but you cant live in his shadow of this all your life can you?? Its abit manipulative of him. He needs to dig deeper in himself to find out where his irrational thinking has stemmed from and treat the root cause on his own. This isnt you in the wrong at all xxx

[messolini9]

Maybe I need to listen to that girl more.

Oooh yes, I think so OP.
After all, she is the same girl who for the first time in so long I felt like just me

[Whatisthisfuckery]

OP, you know mental illness isn’t an excuse to control,manipulate and gaslight you don’t you? There is no such mental illness as manipulitis. Likewise there is no medication available to cure manipulitis, or any therapeutic treatments for it. Whatever they’re treating him for, it ain’t being a controlling, manipulative gaslighting abuser. There ain’t no cure for that apart from LTB I’m afraid.

Get yourself booked back in with that counsellor, start taking notice of that rebellious little voice squished somewhere far down in your mind and get the hell out of there, because if he manages to quiet that little voice, you’re fucked, and you don’t want another 40 years of this.

[Cinders29]

Also, I have had counselling recently. I actually stopped because I felt more in control and that he was admitting and working hard to change and I felt better about it. But I'm going to book back in. Thank you

[Cinders29]

Interesting you say that pp .... I have since thought Is there a part of me that thought that. I can't remember specifically thinking that but sub conscious and all that. Maybe I need to listen to that girl more.

[BraveGoldie]

I agree with the others Op- you did nothing wrong.

Have you heard the phrase 'tyranny of the weak'? I think it might describe your situation a bit - he appears to be the vulnerable one, so you end up tip toeing around him, praying you won't upset him just by living.

Imagine having a partner who actually worries about how you feel. Who isn't always the victim. Who you can do what you want with....

I say again, you did nothing wrong. However, I do think it is interesting you went back to the flat with your ex, which part of you must have known would upset him..... I think something that often happens in these situations is that part of us wants to rebel- to say 'f you.... I will be me!!!'. I think that part is a heroic part of you trying to get you to listen......

Good luck!

[Cherry4weans]

I have a narcissist in my life who tells me her counsellor said stuff about me and what I should do as well. You are being so manipulated and I really hope you see the light. I've kisser my ohs best friend, slept with his other friends brother. We all have a history. Stop giving yourself so much grief for being in the same room as someone. You need either a harsh wake up call or a break from him to see with a clear head that this is abusive. I'm sorry I totally understand how it is in a controlling relationship - you cannot see it properly cos u are so busy micro managing behaviours and worrying about potential triggers, add low self esteem and he has his hold. The part I find hard is that I know the person acts this way for genuine reasons (fear, upbringing etc) and it has been a long hard slog to have the believe that even if they have genuine reasons it is STILL no reason to drop your boundaries and live your life on eggshells. I repeat for good measure A COUNSELLOR DOES NOT PROVIDE OPINIONS ON WHAT OTHERS SHOULD DO. IT'S ABOUT HELPING YOURSELF. That means he is LYING to control u.

[IdiotInDisguise]

... scratching inside his nose to make you feel guilty may be one nose bleed reason as well.

[BumbleBeee69]

p.s. I get nose bleeds frequently.... I have 3 weak blood vessels inside the bridge of my nose, and I'm awaiting treatment.. nothing to do with stress ..

my point being there are many reasons for nose bleeds, not just stress.

[BumbleBeee69]

So I'm praying that he really means that and we shall hear no more about it. I have a girls night planned for December it used to be an annual thing but we haven't done it for a few years so fingers crossed it will go smoothly.

listen to yourself OP.. you are literally walking on egg shells... Im so sad for you... please leave..

[Mollychristmas]

His counsellor apparently said to him 'so she basically chose to go with her ex instead of going home to her husband

What absolute shite.
His counsellor did not say that I can guarantee it.

Your husband is a lying, manipulative shit who seems to think you are stupid.
He is abusing you mentally and has quite clearly done a pretty good number on you for you to even think his controlling behaviour might be your fault.

I would look at the Freedom programme and speak with women’s aid.

[messolini9]

He was having nose bleeds the other morning ( he gets them when he's stressed ) and I felt heartbroken id done that to him

Cinders I am actually shouting cross about that statement.

Can you not see that YOU haven't "done that to him"?
He has done it to himself.

Whether that's because he is sad, mad, or bad is irrelevant. It is HIS problem, & he doesn't get to address it by controlling, limiting & manipulating you so that HE doesn't have to suffer the symptoms of his ridiculous infantile jealousy.

The last we spoke about it, he said - whats done is done and to move on
Did he indeed?
He means "we are not going to discuss my over reaction or my insane controlling behaviours or how I lied to you about what my counsellor said."

You are now "praying" with "fingers crossed" that he doesn't kick off about your girls' night next month.
Why? Nothing has changed. He has ranted at you very unfairly, shut down any real discussion, & owned no responsibility.
Despite all his much-vaunted therapy, the first time you went out, he relapsed exactly to his old state.

I am so sorry if this all sounds harsh OP. But from the tenor of your posts, you have bought into his bullshit that you are responsible for his feelings, that he is entitled to control you, that you are somehow at fault, 'untrustworthy' ... & FFS for you have only been out once this year, with another outing planned in December which you are already worrying about. Can you not see how he has affected your thinking & behaviour?

It is really hard to start the process of owning the fact that we are in an abusive relationship. (Been there, done that.) We tend to minimise, we become used to normalising abusive behaviour, excusing, tip-toeing ... not going out in case he blows up. Blaming ourselves because some random 10-years-ago-ex happened to be present. Taking responsibility for another adult's emotions - because they refuse to regulate them for themselves.

How about YOU get some counselling too?
NOT as a couple.
For you, so you can get a clear handle on this relationship, your own needs, & how much has changed for you since you have been married to Mr Jealous.

[Cinders29]

Thank you everyone. You've really made me feel better because I was genuinely feeling so shit about it. He was having nose bleeds the other morning ( he gets them when he's stressed ) and I felt heartbroken id done that to him - but actually, if I was an outsider looking him I'd prob think that was a huge overreaction tbh.

The last we spoke about it, he said - whats done is done and to move on. So I'm praying that he really means that and we shall hear no more about it. I have a girls night planned for December it used to be an annual thing but we haven't done it for a few years so fingers crossed it will go smoothly.

Reading your comments I've realised if it doesn't ... I need to leave, because you're absolutely right.

[MissMudskipper]

I didn't want to read and leave. I'm here to join in with EVERYONE else on your thread OP. You have done nothing wrong. Your husband I'm sorry to say is utterly manipulative and controlling. No one should live like that.

Also I cannot for one second believe a counsellor would say that! You were honest and that's because there was nothing there. Please dont let this utter be!!end ruin your life OP

[JingsMahBucket]

LTB. Your husband is abusing you.

[TheHodgeoftheHedge]

I call absolutely BS on what the counsellor allegedly said. Your husband is a nasty piece of work.