To want to attend my ex MIL's funeral

[LadyJaffleton]

My ex DH and I separated two years ago after being married for over twenty years and I moved to the other end of the country to begin a new life. We remained on very good terms and divorced amicably last year. During this time I have kept in touch with my ex MIL and we have exchanged regular and affectionate letters, cards, emails etc. DexH now has a new partner. I have enjoyed being single and dating and am currently seeing a very nice man.
Sadly my lovely ex MIL was diagnosed with cancer about a year ago and although she was having treatment, died last week. I immediately got in touch with the family to offer my condolences. My ex called yesterday and has requested that I don't attend the funeral. I found this very upsetting and hurtful as I would have liked to pay my respects. I am trying very hard to make allowances - grief does alter people's judgement and ideas. He has said he'd find it too difficult having me there and just wants to focus on his immediate family and partner. For the avoidance of doubt, I wouldn't expect to play a big part in the day, just to sit quietly at the back, have a cup of tea at the wake and then quietly leave. If I do go now, it will feel like I'm forcing the issue and that would be wrong.
Abu to want to attend but now feel I can't? And how else can I mark her passing if I can't be there? She was a special lady who I will miss greatly.

No relatives are involved in this OP.

I would have thought that ex FIL was a significant relative. However the OP has stated clearly that she will not attend. I personally think that is sad.

I'm going to be attending my ex MIL's funeral next week. I've been asked to do so and I know that there will be some awkwardness. However, I'm not going to let the past colour this significant day. I will endeavour to ensure that all goes smoothly on my part. It's part of the grieving process and she meant a lot to me and our children. I've been given a time to grieve and I appreciate it.

I think the best thing to do is to reply saying you will respect his wishes although you did love MIL and will miss her. Say something like - I would still very much like to attend. If you do change your mind, I promise to slip in at the back at the start and slip out again quickly. It would mean a lot to me. But if it’s really out of the question I will understand.

Most importantly, it's what ex MIL would have wanted.

And make sure FIL knows you would have come if you could.

I'd write to your fil, explain that you'd loved to have come but exh would prefer you didn't so you'll respect his wishes. Instead you'll take a flask of tea to x place and sit and look through some photos and remember her that way.
But I'd send flowers to fil house too.
You wouldn't want him to think you didn't care.

My dear Mum died about a month ago.

My Ex-DH and his now wife came to the funeral and the wake. They sat with my family and were made very welcome.

I think your ex is being very unreasonable. I'm so sorry. I don't know what I would do in your situation.

From the other perspective, when my OH's father died, his ex girlfriend (who was very close to his step mum) came to the funeral. She is a cow (there are 2 years separating our relationships and no kids with her), but it was really difficult for my OH, as he had to deal with seeing her at the same time as mourning his dad. Stepmum wanted her there for support, and OH felt the wife's needs were greater than his as the son, but it made an already difficult day more stressful for him.

I think, regretfully, if you've been asked to stay away, you are right not to go. Grief does funny things to people and situations that they could cope with in other circumstances become massive - often as distraction from grieving. I know it really hurt my OH that no one considered his wishes, even if they were irrational.

Mark her passing in a way that has meaning for you both xx

Don’t make it all about you, just don’t be that person. She was your ex’s Mum, not yours. I understand why you want to attend but he has requested you don’t and you should respect his wishes as he mourns his Mother.

Mia

Don’t make it all about you, just don’t be that person. She was your ex’s Mum, not yours. I understand why you want to attend but he has requested you don’t and you should respect his wishes as he mourns his Mother.

I was just going to post this.

If you go now, after specifically requesting you don't - it will look like you are trying to make some shady point

Respect the immediate family and have your moment

Hi op hes being very unfair as you and his mum were friends and had a good relationship. You have two choices
Go and do what you said sit at the back and then leave.
Or
On the day of the funeral go to a local church near you and sit and remember her your way.

Good luck

No OP, you weren't wrong to want to go at all. I'm sorry your exH has requested you don't attend, especially as you remained in contact and clearly had a good relationship with her.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I never really understand this - your ex doesn't get to chose who comes and wants to pay respects to his Mother!

Nobody should ever dictate that - what about what his mother would have wanted?

Maybe it's a cultural thing - but in Ireland the funeral details go in the newspaper and online - they are open to everyone and there is no such thing as an invite or ever asking someone not to attend

@LadyJaffleton Surely he has bigger things to be worrying about/doing than trying to busy himself barring people from attending!

I'd go if I was you - you don't have to speak to the ex or get involved in any way - but at least you can say your goodbyes/pay respects!

Sorry for your loss x

Fgs. I understand why people tend not to take the man's side around here, but he's just lost his mum. The last thing he wants is to have to deal with his ex at the funeral.

You are NBU for wanting to go. You'd BU for going against his express wishes.

Most importantly, it's what ex MIL would have wanted.

It really isn't. She's no longer here, and unfortunately it won't make any difference to her. It's the feelings of the living that matter here, foremost among them her bereaved kids.

My mum died in March and we chose to have her cremated without a funeral and to have the ashes back so we could choose where to put them (we chose a walk which was very special to her and put them there just the 4 of us - dh, me and the dc). Lots of people (especially my dad who hadn’t been in her life for 20 years or mine but they were married for 20 years) were horrified we didn’t have a funeral and were upset they didn’t get invited. At the end of the day I was the only child of my mums, she was happy to have no funeral and one of our dc has special needs which means a funeral would have been a meltdown disaster. So we did what was best for us as her family.

I can see why you’re upset but you have to respect your exes wishes. She was his mum after all. You can have your own ceremony of remembrance, light a candle and say a prayer or even plant a special tree in her memory.

I think funerals are very complex things. People don’t always view them the same way.

Yet again, as per my OP and in my previous update, I will not be attending and therefore respecting his wishes as I realise that would be disrespectful and insensitive now that the request has been made.
The service will be a cremation and the family have not yet decided where to inter/scatter the ashes, so there will not be a grave to visit.
My ex is not married to his new partner. There was no affair and new partner is widely liked by all who have met them.
I have spoken further with my ex and he has very graciously acknowledged that it was a hurtful request. However he is delivering the eulogy and is very nervous about that, which goes some way to explain things. We have tentatively arranged a visit for the New Year which will allow me to see my ex FIL and get to meet my exes new partner at last - this was also worrying him as he didn't want our first meeting to be at the funeral.

YANBU.
A funeral is about the person who died not the person who "owns" it.

When my dad died my mother controlled the funeral so tightly that I felt completely left out, as did my children and some of Dad's oldest friends. It wasn't about her.

When she died everyone who knew her or wanted to be there was free to attend, (and contribute). When I die I do not want anyone deciding who can be there. I am a mother, a sister, a friend, a colleague, an Ex, a neighbour, an old university friend. Most of these spheres don't interact in life but that does not mean I want them dismissed when I am dead.

However this is a general point OP. And I am sorry for your loss and your sadness.

Expecting the bereaved to be acting totally rationally at this point is a big ask. I try not to dwell on decisions I made about my husband's funeral. I'd do it very differently now. I thought I was holding things together well, but I clearly wasn't.

I hope that the people affected by my muddled thinking understood.

@LadyJaffleton that all sounds really well handled. I hope you can find a way to recognise MIL that's all you.