To want to attend my ex MIL's funeral

[LadyJaffleton]

My ex DH and I separated two years ago after being married for over twenty years and I moved to the other end of the country to begin a new life. We remained on very good terms and divorced amicably last year. During this time I have kept in touch with my ex MIL and we have exchanged regular and affectionate letters, cards, emails etc. DexH now has a new partner. I have enjoyed being single and dating and am currently seeing a very nice man.
Sadly my lovely ex MIL was diagnosed with cancer about a year ago and although she was having treatment, died last week. I immediately got in touch with the family to offer my condolences. My ex called yesterday and has requested that I don't attend the funeral. I found this very upsetting and hurtful as I would have liked to pay my respects. I am trying very hard to make allowances - grief does alter people's judgement and ideas. He has said he'd find it too difficult having me there and just wants to focus on his immediate family and partner. For the avoidance of doubt, I wouldn't expect to play a big part in the day, just to sit quietly at the back, have a cup of tea at the wake and then quietly leave. If I do go now, it will feel like I'm forcing the issue and that would be wrong.
Abu to want to attend but now feel I can't? And how else can I mark her passing if I can't be there? She was a special lady who I will miss greatly.

It’s his MUM. His needs trump yours ffs!

Just sit quietly on the day and call memories of her to mind.

For the avoidance of doubt, now that he's asked, I would not dream of attending; as I said in my OP, that would be wrong. I'm trying to get a handle on whether it was wrong for me to want to go and how best to now mark her passing. I have already written to my ex FIL and spoken with other family members and will be making a donation to one of her favourite charities. One of the difficult things about being divorced is that there's no established etiquette about relationships with the wider family afterwards.

It’s not fair, but you can’t go. It’s a shame because it will probably colour your relations with him from here on but what can you do, you’ve got to respect his wishes.

I'm trying to get a handle on whether it was wrong for me to want to go

Of course not, she was a big part of your life.

Send a wreath or donate to charity and then at the time of her funeral sit in peace and deep thought remembering her

I sat at the back of MIL's funeral. XH and I had only been apart a few months. I avoided him and did not attend the wake. I did the same at BIL's funeral, because I wanted to be around for the DC, as XH didn't know how to respond to his own grief appropriately, never mind their's. It is possible to slip in quietly at the back of the church/funeral parlour/crematorium and then leave quickly. It is a tough one.

My divorce was less amicable but I would have liked to have gone to my exFILs funeral. He was a lovely man and he continued to send me a birthday present/Christmas card etc after the divorce. But my exH would have hated me being there. He wouldn’t have been able to mourn his dad in peace, and my exBILs would have also been affected by him being upset by my presence.

Your exH might have been more upset by your divorce that you realised, or perhaps some of his family might think it inappropriate. At his mother’s funeral he should be able to concentrate on his own feelings without worrying about the affect of your presence on himself, his new partner or his family.

Of course you are right feeling how you do. That's totally understandable.

Is there a remembrance or memorial garden near you that you could sit and remember her whilst the funeral is on.

But make sure you have time to share memories with someone who will listen. You need to talk about to keep her memory alive and special for you.

I completely sympathise having divorced after a similar amount of time. I get on well with my ex family-in-law and separating off from people you once considered family is tough.

Try and see it as one last act for her, as she would (a) have wanted her son to be as okay as possible and if that involves you not being there then so be it, and (b) have known how much you cared anyway as you showed her that when she was still here. Think of something she loved and do that on the day of the funeral as a mark of your affection for her.

Perhaps you could go to the burial site a few days later, and pay your respects then?

Not wrong for you to want to go at all, ex-H was at my DM's funeral recently. As much as anything else it was good for my dd to have her dad there to support her as inevitably I was tied up with family from away.

But, regarding your ex, I think it's also really normal and understandable to have what might seem like 'irrational' wishes in such circumstances, and while it is sad for you I suspect he isn't being intentionally unkind.

No, it was fine to want to go. Not a problem, but obviously you can't now.

A funeral isn't the only way to remember someone.

I would:
a) if possible (depends on the situation) speak to either ex-FIL or ex-H about visiting the funeral parlour to pay your respects. They may or may not have a wake/visiting. And may or may not want you to attend.

b) go to a local church and spend a few moments remembering her. Light a candle. Maybe write a message. If you're not Christian, then do whatever is appropriate for your/her religious tradition.

c) Go to visit the grave at a later date.

YANBU in wanting to go and pay your respects. You and ex mil go back a long way and even though you are no longer her dil, a friend, as you are, of 20 years standing would hope to be welcome to pay her respects.

However, that said, the decision must lie with your exh and his family. You could pay your respects in a different way. Maybe a donation to cancer research, hospice or another favourite charity in her name. You could maybe buy something for your garden in her name which would flower every year. My sincere condolences on the loss of a dear friend

I think it’s really poor when someone bans another person from a funeral, but hey ho. He’s probably been through a horrible few weeks while his mum passed, so he’s possibly struggling. I’d respect his wishes I suppose.

I’d go for a walk up a hill and sit and reflect at the point of the funeral. If she was in a hospice I’d donate to them in her name. I’d send a card to her husband saying how much you cared for her. I’m sure she knew that you loved her. That’s all that really matters at this point.

It’s completely unreasonable to ban people from funerals.

If there is a back door at the crematorium I’d be going in there, keeping my head down and staying away from anyone who would recognise me, sitting up the back out of sight and leaving discreetly afterwards.

If it’s unlikely you could do this without causing embarrassment then I would respect his wishes and not attend. Although he is being an arse about this. You have every right to say goodbye. Why is it grieving people somehow top trumph other grieving people when they were all loved by the deceased person who would have wanted them all there. Sad.

Yanbu to want to go but I think you ha e to respect his wishes and not go. It's his mum and whilst I get thats it is a loss for you too I think his wishes have to be abided by. Perhaps think of another way to remember her.

Could you contact him and say that you need to attend the funeral but won't go to the reception. The funeral is the bit for paying your respects.
If he still refuses then you'll have to respect that - send flowers and a handwritten note.

YANBU to want to go.
Your dh IBU for trying to dictate that you can't.
What you do from this point is more difficult.

I would certainly mention in conversation with FiL ??(or SiL / BiL / your adult dc ???) - obviously I don't know the ins and outs of who you might ordinarily happen to be speaking to - something along the lines of - I hope it all goes well next week, I'm sorry that exdh has said I can't be there, I would have liked to have come and paid my respects, I was really fond of ex-MiL. As it sounds, from what you've said that he has said this off the top of his head, and it isn't what ex FiL would want at all.

I was in an identical situation to you. I'm still very good friends with my ex-husband although I have never met his new wife. When his mother died I told him I would like to go to the funeral but it was up to him whether I did or not. He said he would rather I didn't go. I think he thought it would be awkward having me and his wife there. I thought his mother's funeral should be about her - she didn't have many living relative left and the turnout would have been quite small which was sad, But I respected his wishes - I didn't want to add to his stress on such an unhappy day, - so I just sent flowers and a card to the cemetery which he really appreciated. For what it's worth, I think he was wrong and YANBU to want to pay your respects. But I think men can sometimes be a bit obtuse about what seems like obvious good manners, or the correct etiquette. You are right, it is a grey area

Maybe his new wife isn't keen on you being there.

I would send flowers to the church.

He's lost his mum. Don't make the day any worse for him.

I'd go to the place wherever the funeral is being held and wait in a cafe or somewhere until you know the service is over, then go and pay your respects at the graveside /in the crematorium.

I would be distraught, divorce doesn’t dissolve the love and bond you have with your ILs, especially if you end up in good terms.

My mother loves my ex more than she loves me, my MIL might not talk to my ex but she rings and writes to me often. I’m sorry you have been excluded, you are sooo in your right to feel as you feel as you were so close to her.

My BF’s exwife was in my BF’s mum funeral, as it should be, as the mother of her grandchildren and a beloved “adopted” member to my BF’s family —even if she is a bitch towards me sometimes—. In fact I opted not to go to the funeral as I didn’t want to upset my BF’s exwife by creating a stir about who was the new woman to P’s side (especially in a room full of distant relatives, who had not a clue they had split 2 years earlier.

Forget about donations to charities, if they are accepting flowers send her a very nice bouquet in gratitude of the times spent together and ensure you sign it.

Send a sympathy card to your FIL, as well.

I think it might be nice to wait a couple of weeks until all the flowers from the funeral have gone, and then take some to her grave yourself. Perhaps take a candle and sit quietly, and have your own time of saying goodbye to her. Perhaps take a little something you can leave at her grave with the flowers; something she would appreciate. Nobody has to know about it, it can be between you and her. If you're not being allowed to the funeral, then make your own arrangements, and make them special.

I think it's very sad that you've been asked not to attend.