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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to attend my ex MIL's funeral

95 replies

LadyJaffleton · 20/11/2019 21:46

My ex DH and I separated two years ago after being married for over twenty years and I moved to the other end of the country to begin a new life. We remained on very good terms and divorced amicably last year. During this time I have kept in touch with my ex MIL and we have exchanged regular and affectionate letters, cards, emails etc. DexH now has a new partner. I have enjoyed being single and dating and am currently seeing a very nice man.
Sadly my lovely ex MIL was diagnosed with cancer about a year ago and although she was having treatment, died last week. I immediately got in touch with the family to offer my condolences. My ex called yesterday and has requested that I don't attend the funeral. I found this very upsetting and hurtful as I would have liked to pay my respects. I am trying very hard to make allowances - grief does alter people's judgement and ideas. He has said he'd find it too difficult having me there and just wants to focus on his immediate family and partner. For the avoidance of doubt, I wouldn't expect to play a big part in the day, just to sit quietly at the back, have a cup of tea at the wake and then quietly leave. If I do go now, it will feel like I'm forcing the issue and that would be wrong.
Abu to want to attend but now feel I can't? And how else can I mark her passing if I can't be there? She was a special lady who I will miss greatly.

OP posts:

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/11/2019 23:12

I think i would go, sit at the back and leave straight after, you dont need to see or speak to ex dh, he should not have asked you not to go, yes its his mum but you're greiving too.

I agree with chicky, but I think you might find it difficult. It may be that if you were very discreet you would be able to slip in at the back and then out the same way without your ex even noticing that you were there (though bear in mind that if you do this, you will have to walk through mourners waiting for the next funeral - if you try to leave with the rest of "your" funeral mourners you will be in the position of having to go past your ex and commiserate with him. And he has said that it will make him uncomfortable.

Maybe place a bunch of flowers, the following day as a PP has suggested - or if you go to church, ask for her name to be read outing prayed for in the deaths, and light a candle for her. You could even have small announcement in the paper ("On (date) X, dear MIL of . . .").

It is very sad that after all of this time, and an amicable divorce, your ex can't see his way to allowing you to attend - there will be people there who will have much less connection with her than you had.

I'm so sorry for your loss. She was obviously a very dear friend to you.

tillytoodles1 · 20/11/2019 23:12

My ex DIL came to my husband's funeral even though my son was there with his new fiancé. Go and say a last goodbye to a special lady. You don't have to talk to your ex, just leave after the ceremony.

DonKeyshot · 20/11/2019 23:23

I glad to read that you intend to respect your ex's wishes.

Is there a church you could go to at the time of your mil's funeral service? If not, could you light a candle and sit in quiet contemplation of her, her life, your interactions with her, your memories of her for the duration of the service (usually half an hour)?

Alternatively, you could choose a day close to or just after the service to put some time aside to remember her and give thanks for her life.

novasglowx · 20/11/2019 23:23

My XPs DM died recently. There had been a fair bit of animosity between both sides when we split up, but his DM and I had started to build bridges for the sake of my DD. She'd been a part of my life for ten years. I would have liked to have paid my respects, but kept away from the funeral for the sake of the family. EXP took DD. I stayed at home and lit a candle.

PurpleFlower1983 · 20/11/2019 23:26

Respect his wishes.

qazxc · 20/11/2019 23:43

We're you unreasonable to want to go? No, you clearly had a relationship with the deceased.
But given your ex has asked you not to, you should respect his wishes.
Send a card, donate to her favourite charity. I don't know if there you are religious, but if so go to church and light a candle and pray. If not maybe a moment of silent reflection at home.

BackforGood · 20/11/2019 23:45

Respect his wishes.

What about FiL's wishes ?
DH's siblings wishes ?

At my parents' funerals, I took a lot of comfort from the range of people who took the trouble to come to their funerals. I would be apoplectic if I found out later that someone who wanted to come had been prevented from doing so by one of my siblings.

Gwenhwyfar · 20/11/2019 23:53

"My dad didn't ask my mum not to attend our grandads funeral, but she respected that after a divorce and both having new partners it wouldn't be appropriate."

It's not inappropriate though. Op's situation is obviously different.

Divebar · 20/11/2019 23:53

When my step dad died we had lots of sympathy cards and letters from friends and colleagues. My favourite ones to read were the ones who took the time to write about their favourite memories of him. One cousin wrote about how they played together as kids and the kinds of adventures they had... really summarised his personality beautifully and gave us all an insight into his life before we all knew him. Perhaps a heartfelt letter describing your favourite memories of your MIL would let the family know you’re high regard for her and the fact you’re thinking about them all

EleanorShellstrop100 · 21/11/2019 04:46

You absolutely can’t go now, after he has specifically asked you not to. That would be really, really awful and unkind and just unbelievable.

EleanorShellstrop100 · 21/11/2019 04:47

YANBU to want to go but to actually go now would not be okay. However sad you are about her passing, times it by like 1000 and then you get to how her son is probably feeling. He is family, you aren’t. His wishes trump yours unfortunately for you. If an ex of mine came to a funeral I’d asked them not to attend I would ask them to leave immediately.

Starlight456 · 21/11/2019 05:09

As others have said yanbu to want to go but since he has asked ywbu to go ( I hear you say you won’t)

There are many ways to say goodbye without attending a funeral maybe look at a way you can do that.

billandbenflowerpotmen1 · 21/11/2019 05:46

Exactly the same thing happened to me. I had had a better relationship with exmil and much more contact for many years than exude had had with her. Exdh phoned me and let me know it wouldn't be 'appropriate' for me to attend as he would be with his new gf.
I respected his wishes as assumed exfil felt the same and I didn't attend. I kept a low profile for a few weeks and then contacted exfil. It turned out he'd been so hurt by me not attending as him and exmil had been in my life for 30 years. He was furious when I told him I'd been instructed not to go. YANBU to feel as you do but you'll probably find out that you can give better support at a later date. As for marking her death could you go to your local church and light a candle? Or just say a private prayer at the time she is buried? Sorry huge assumption there that this would be appropriate but if you do not have a religious faith maybe buy yourself a lovely bunch of flowers in her memory ( or even send flowers to the funeral)

SuperMeerkat · 21/11/2019 05:52

Your ex can’t tell you not to go. If you know that you will be able to cope with seeing your ex and his new partner then just go and pay your respects. Otherwise, just go to the grave quietly in a few weeks and say a few words to her.

CatUnderTheStairs · 21/11/2019 05:57

I know my husbands ex will be at his parents’ funerals...and I really don’t think that would be weird. They were and are a big part of each other’s lives. And she’ll be sat at the front. There are kids involved though.

It seems a weird response from your ex husband. Go and pay your respects another time. Plan5 a tree or rose for her somewhere.

Stupiddriver1 · 21/11/2019 06:20

My mother came to my dad’s funeral after I asked her to stay away.

My mum had had an affair, left my dad, was physically abusive to him before leaving and then put him through hell in a divorce. My dad had remarried and I didn’t want my step mum to have to face my mum on the day of the funeral.

My mum came anyway after giving me a lecture about how you can’t ban people from a funeral, she had a right to be there, etc.

I’ve never forgiven her. It really upset me that she was prepared to ignore my feelings on the day I was burying my dad.

MsChatterbox · 21/11/2019 06:26

I would hazard a guess that his new partner is quite a jealous woman and he is trying to avoid upsetting her.

SunshineCake · 21/11/2019 06:34

How lacking in thought from him. Amicable only works even it suits. I'd send card telling him how it would mean a lot to be able to pay respects to your MIL and granny to your children and you intend to just sit in the back of the church etc.
20 years of family and you're not any more and his new woman is.

SunshineCake · 21/11/2019 06:36

I'm wondering if the new woman was an affair and he doesn't want the shit that that would bring to remind people he had a wife.

WaningGibbous · 21/11/2019 07:30

My grandparents had a very acrimonious divorce which involved shagging family friends while on holiday with them and their children, and my grandfather was Not To Be Mentioned for the next 30 years. However when he died his BIL - who had been his best friend since primary until the affair in his 40s when he never spoke to him again - travelled cross country and waited outside the crematorium and left after the service. He said he had no wish to see GF's OW but he wanted to pay his respects to his friend. It seemed very classy. Much more classy than the people who showed up to my mother's funeral that had never met her and where there for the free food and social occasion.

Rosebud21 · 21/11/2019 08:07

Does the church have CCTV, some larger churches live stream funeral services, etc?

placemats · 22/11/2019 10:03

His wishes shouldn't trump that of his relatives. He's being selfish.

Have a day of remembrance for her and think of all the good times you had together.

Don't rise to his selfishness which may be due to his grief. Funerals are never as simple as paying last respects to the person who has died.

saraclara · 22/11/2019 10:12

His wishes shouldn't trump that of his relatives
No relatives are involved in this OP. And yes, I'm afraid his wishes do trump those of his ex, however sad that might be for her.

We don't know his reason for asking her not to go, but if any awkwardness would affect his own goodbye to his mother, then he's entitled to ask the OP to prioritise his feelings.

iswhois · 22/11/2019 10:15

I think it's best not to go, however good your intentions may be. Perhaps visit the grave afterwards and lay some flowers and say a few works.

Evilspiritgin · 22/11/2019 10:22

I would suggest it’s probably new girlfriend who isn’t keen on you going, you can just imagine the post on Aibu,

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