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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are me and my family being stalked/ used?? Freaked it by people who know us moving for the second time- are we being followed??

99 replies

Newmermaid4 · 20/11/2019 01:30

We have a couple who are friends via my university mates over ten years ago who are moving out of London. We have always been friendly with this couple and they have always said they like to move out of London. When we lived in a small village they phoned me up to enquire about it then moved there for a year or so as a trial. They moved back to London which was a relief as they are the type of people who borrow things and wouldn’t give them back, and are known to be “spongers” by some of the wider circle of friends. We moved to another small village and they came to visit before returning to London to do up their house. It is a very small village ( Hamlet in fact). I now have had a text to say they exchanged on a property 500 ft away. I am freaking out as they previously liked our carpet and bought the same for their house in London, have moved twice to small villages we live in and to be honest I didn’t really like the wife as she’s not my type and shallow plus is quite rude. When they visited us she left a used nappy from changing her toddler in our chiminea which I later found, walked up my stairs with her muddy shoes on even though she’s the sort of person who’d insist on people taking their shoes off in their house etc...When they were invited to lunch at our house they cancelled at short notice to go out with “new local” friends and she defriended me on Facebook so I wouldn’t see pics of that but I saw what she’d done.. I am worried they are expecting me to welcome them and I just wish they would go away as I don’t want to be used again. Should I say something??

OP posts:
AnnHydrosis · 20/11/2019 04:14

The reason you feel bad about this is because you feel you are being impolite.

Go grey rock. Don't answer messages for days or at all. Always seem preoccupied when around them and cool social media for a while. It's annoying that you have to manage them in this way but you should only have to make an effort at the outset as hopefully they will get the message.
Urgently though I would let them know that your, 'situation has changed' and you are planning another move. This can always, 'fall through' if you are called upon to explain (don't explain).
Failing that you could say, "Ahhh, number 78 you say? (or Cherry Tree Cottage - whatever). Now it's been exorcised I was wondering how quickly it would sell".

Grey rock but inventive has worked for me on several occasions.

Thehop · 20/11/2019 04:15

What Ann said is perfect

EleanorShellstrop100 · 20/11/2019 04:16

YABU. They’re hardly stalking you - they sound like they’re annoying and have bad manners but it doesn’t sound in any way personal to you. If they were moving to the area you live because they’re obsessed with you then they wouldn’t ditch you to hang out with other local people, would they? You can’t say anything without sounding quite strange so you should just stop being friends with them. Don’t spend time with them, don’t contact them and don’t respond to their contact.

Original poster
Newmermaid4 · 20/11/2019 04:42

@isabellerossignol... to explain.. we are in circle of friends so not possible to select out particular people. In a group they are fine in small doses but they have a track record of overusing favours... etc. they moved in with another couple we know for a week or two when they were between rental flats but ended up staying 6/12 instead of simply organising somewhere else to live! Our very kind joint friend kindly let them stay there with two extra Kids on top of their own family of four already !! They paid no bills etc... nothing... That’s the sort of thing they’ve done!! No one has ever told them they are spongers to their face as all too nice!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmermaid4 · 20/11/2019 04:48

@EleanorShellstrop100 you are right. But they only cancelled last minute due to a better offer. They got to know someone with a boat who offered them a day out on it- more interesting than our lunch offer I expect .they also arranged a play date for my son then cancelled after the time. He was waiting excited to see the little girl but they just didn’t come which was a shame for him . TBH I hope they find their own thing again- I just don’t want to be messed around...

OP posts:
mumof2masterofnone · 20/11/2019 04:54

Don't give them CHANCE to mess you around. Simply be pleasant but from a distance.

No need to arrange days together.
No need to have them in your house.

Just because your friends are friends with them doesn't mean you have to be.

Life's to short!

JoObrien7 · 20/11/2019 04:54

@Newmermaid4

Just ignore them and hopefully they will get the message. Years ago I met a woman at playgroup who wasn't really my type but our daughters were a similar age so I went to her house and she visited mine. On one visit she spotted the house next door was for sale and yes you guessed it she moved in next door to me so her daughter could have a friend to play with. She was forever knocking on my door so I started ignoring her knocks and she soon got the message.

Original poster
Newmermaid4 · 20/11/2019 05:55

That’s good advice- think will just ignore as much as possible and keep fingers crossed...

OP posts:
MrsEricBana · 20/11/2019 06:53

Genuine advice is don't say anything, don't fall out with them or could become very awkward, just be slow to respond, don't invite them round etc. It'll work out.

Smelborp · 20/11/2019 07:12

Yes, you can’t say anything if they’ve exchanged. I would also grey rock them though.

msflibble · 20/11/2019 07:15

They sound very odd and like terrible people. I feel bad leaving a nappy in someone's bathroom bin, let alone stuffing it up a chimney. Who on earth does that?

You owe them nothing. You don't like them or want to see them. Ignore calls and texts and block them both on FB. If they don't get the message, be very clear that you don't want to see them.

I know it's tough but sometimes you have to just be firm with people, especially weird piss-takers like these two

RiotAndAlarum · 20/11/2019 07:16

Does your hamlet have a shop? It would be a kindness to warn them not to extend credit...

RiotAndAlarum · 20/11/2019 07:18

Ooh, and they may be after school-run and childcare favours, too. Ask them first!

OverByYer · 20/11/2019 07:19

They bought the same carpet as you? Classic stalking behaviour.

MrsMoastyToasty · 20/11/2019 07:22

Lay a false trail. Tell them that you are moving to Aberdeen...and then move to Exeter.

isabellerossignol · 20/11/2019 07:23

we are in circle of friends so not possible to select out particular people

I bet everyone in your circle of friends feels the same way you do, it's just that everyone thinks everyone else likes them so they put up with them.

RickOShay · 20/11/2019 07:24

I don’t think the op is ‘unhinged’ @Taraswell. Why would you think that?
@Newmermaid4, you don’t owe them anything, be polite, but no invitations or overtures of friendship.
Good luck, stand your ground.

Summercamping · 20/11/2019 07:28

I had to Google chiminea, never knew what they were called.

That's my learning done for today 😁

msflibble · 20/11/2019 07:30

I've just read that you're in a circle of friends with them - it doesn't matter. Exclude them and your other friends will follow suit. They sound toxic and letting them get away with this behaviour will only enable and embolden them.

MaggieFS · 20/11/2019 07:36

See them as part of the group, but just don't invite them round and if they call round, keep them in the doorstep and just say it's not a convenient time to have them in.

pinkdelight · 20/11/2019 07:42

I think it's weird enough to at least text back -

"How funny! Are you following us??"

With a lol emoji if you feel the need, but at least you've made the point. They're not stalkers in the worrying sense as clearly they don't mind dropping you, but it's not london so not comparable to Clapham. Twice in small villages is intentional and you don't want them using you again. So I'd send that and then be polite but arms length when they've moved in. Certainly don't feel any obligations as it's not mutual.

Candymay · 20/11/2019 08:05

Why the bloody heck did you invite them to visit you? That’s your first mistake.
Love the Alan Bennet reference and sorry to hear about your chiminea.
No idea what you could say to them now but I know that if I don’t like someone I don’t invite them into my home.

Disfordarkchocolate · 20/11/2019 08:15

I think it's really odd. As others have suggested you need to limit their opportunities to take advantage of you. Don't invite them to lunch, don't accept any invitation. If they drop by then be busy/just about to go out. Don't let then borrow anything. For example, if they walk past you striking the garden and ask to borrow your striker say it's not yours/ it's being dropped off to get serviced/ you have promised to lend it to someone else later that day. Good luck.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 20/11/2019 08:18

if they walk past you striking the garden and ask to borrow your striker

I need to know what this was meant to be please (unless I'm meant to routinely be striking my garden Grin)

Disfordarkchocolate · 20/11/2019 08:22

Bloody spell check - strimming and strimmer. Some days I hate my phone, I changed both but it must know my attitude to gardening.

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