To think that motherhood is the loneliest job going

[Blindspot82]

As above really. I love my two DC's. But I find it so very lonely raising small children. Doesn't matter how many baby-clubs I go to or how many other people I talk to at the school gates. Days can go by without me holding a meaningful conversation with another adult, that doesn't involve some aspect of the kids. Sometimes days go by without me talking to another adult at all.

I wouldn't change it for the world but OMG it's socially isolating. The relentless routine. The food prep. The housework. The picking up toys, all the fucking time. Repeatedly. When the kids are ill it gets worse. I don't leave the house, except to scurry over the road to buy milk and calpol and bread/toilet-roll.

Husband is out all day at work. I go to bed early, after the children have gone down so that I can get some shut-eye before the next shift. Feel like an unpaid domestic servant sometimes. I know it won't always be like this but I've come to the conclusion that motherhood is a lonely, tough job, and for a certain period of time you forgo your right to social independence. Does anyone else feel like this? AIBU? DH and I get on fine, but I honestly feel we live two different lifestyles right now.

Yes. You are right.

It’s very isolating, frustrating and boring.

I’m well past this stage, but I remember it well.

The thing to get you through is finding the right people.

How old are your children?

Would you consider going back to work, OP? Being a SAHP isn't for everyone.

Sending hugs

Yes I do. Well I did. I remember crying one day because I realised the only adult is spoken to for 3 days was dh in the evenings. I was exhausted so it wasn’t ever much of a conversation.

The things that helped me were -
Radio 4 and podcasts on in the day. The voices kept me company and I was intellectually stimulated
Going to places that weren’t baby groups like galleries or visiting family.
Doing a free short course. Look on open university free courses or Coursera.
Finding friends who didn’t want to talk about babies all the time. It’s hard at baby groups to have any deep conversation but I suggested an evening meal out to some of the mums at a baby group and they were really up for it. We managed to have different conversations then.
Joining a book group. Likewise. We only speak about the book briefly then it’s just general good conversation.

DH and I would usually have around an hour in the evening when we could talk. How and when varied over the years but at one time we’d have a cooking evening together and load up the freezer with meals and lunchbox items (e.g. make a cake, cut into slices and freeze individually for packed lunches)

I appreciate how tiring it is but wonder if you would benefit from some scheduled adult time in your week? Doesn’t have to be long but going for a coffee for an hour or so.

People think it’s a huge privilege to be able to stay at home, the simple fact is you staying at home means massive compromises on your life to facilitate everyone else’s.

Find friends that make you laugh, who are like you, with children the same age. These are the people you stick with. (In my case we’re doing university rounds now).

I make sure I get out the house everyday. I have a 2 year old and a 12 week old. I try not to let it be the same boring routine everyday or I would go insane! My toddler goes to a childminder 3 days a week so on the 2 days I have both at home we drop my 12 year old at school, go shopping/groups/have a wander around the pet shop! Come home and tidy the house (Doesn’t take too long as I like to keep on top of it) make lunch etc. Then after lunch the toddler plays whilst I do washing and prep dinner. Once I’ve done the school run the evening is cooking, washing up, dinner bed etc. The youngest 2 are asleep for 7 (The baby in the lounge with us) OH and I then watch a film or something even if we go to bed at 8:30-9 we’ve still had a little bit of time together

Forgot to add, I always have podcasts or audio books on the go whilst I’m doing housework

Don't you have any friends? I never get why people stop hanging out with their friends just because a baby in tow. Mine come to my friends houses, or they come to me or o to lunch. It really doesn't have to be isolating

I think it gets even lonelier when they get to the age where they need you to be a taxi ferrying them around rather than going to groups and meeting other parents.

And being a single parent is the loneliest thing I can think of. No adult company in the house and no way of getting out.

Sorry - that probably didn't cheer you up at all.

And this is why I work full time. It isn't for me. I don't have the patience. Kids go to a childminders 3 days a week, 1 day with my husband, 1 day with one of 4 grandparents (or I take TOIL/leave) and I pay for a cleaner. Life's too short to spend years existing, I'd say.

I may change my mind when they fly the near and I regret my life choices...

I found being a married parent lonelier than being a single one. Husband coming home every day having gone to work and participated in the real world. Me having nothing of any substance to say because although I’ve been flat out busy and not had a minute, I felt had nothing to talk of substance to talk about.

It will get better when you’re at primary school and there’s some hanging around to do at drop off and pick up.

You're blessed in that you have an OH. I don't have OH, family or close friends where I'm living. But, I take my twin toddlers to groups every day, see Mum acquaintances every day, have adult and child interactions every day. I walk everywhere, and life is very bloody hard and mundane, but I'm grateful for everything my children bring. Xx

Newbie, presumably the friends work or if they are SAHP, you can be a slave to the naps and routine. When I was on mat leave, we only had 1 car and my friends either lived a drive away, or if local, we'd meet at the toddler groups which aren't exactly the antidote to feeling isolated from adult company.

It’s why mothers at toddler groups appear to form cliques in my opinion. It’s a lifeline. It’s not intentionally to the exclusion of anyone else.

And, I feel like a drudge to my circumstances, as no life apart from being a Mum. My ex took all of our savings and belongings for a drug addiction (not an issue until I was 6 months pregnant), so left being a scrounger on benefits. I have enough money to feed and clothe us, plus to attend subsidised groups
OP, please count your blessings.

I get it. I'm trying to get things sorted so I can go back to work to get some adult interaction other than communicating ineffectively with DH while doing dinner and bed for the DC...

Neither of my DC have been biddable enough for more than fleeting conversations at groups - DC2 is a climber and just walking and DC1 needed help to share... same goes for school run!

Trying to speak to friends with DC in tow is hard too - hard to get a complete sentence out without needing to deal with something or admire a drawing shoved under your nose!

YANBU. Be sure to tell your daughters.

Am a step mum of a very angry, aggressive teenager, and I completely understand the feeling of being socially isolated. Can't comment on being a mum to little ones, but troubled teens are fucking hard work.

My DSD only came to us full time this year following some serious issues elsewhere, and nobody will take on the challenge of being with her (understandably, everyone is hugely nervous) even for a couple of hours, so DH and I are ultimately on our own very lonely little island. We can't trust her on her own at the moment, so it is one or the other of us all the time.

School should be a relief, but, like today, there's no guarantee that she'll go. She's currently crashing round the house.

I have to say, id prefer a small baby right now (haha, look at that, plans flying out the window) at least my mum or dad would be able to help me out a bit! But then again, the grass is always greener, I don't think any element of parenting is easy. At least teenagers sleep a fair amount, even the monster ones! 👍

(Sorry for the rant, am pissed off cos DH was away with work last night and I've copped the beast! Didn't mean to be so bloody miserable!)

I think a lot of it depends on where you live, ime women I know who've stayed in their home towns or gone back after having DC are a lot happier than those who are more isolated.

If working is impractical could you volunteer or do an evening course one evening a week?

I wouldnt say being a working mum is that great- I feel nicely cut off from all the sahm who are building their cliques. Looked at oddly in the office for daring to leave on time....hate it

Whether working or not I think what saves my sanity is seeing my friends from before children alone.....have a night out, dinner with a friend?

I have twin toddlers, so manage quite adequately without needing to excuse myself from conversations. The twins and I are popular at groups, as I look after them and interact with my twins. I don't understand how some of you struggle, as I'm simply on the go 18/7.

Totally agree OP I've gone from a very demanding career to a very demanding despot who refuses to sleep . It's full on and in no way like any other role I've ever had.

I’ve asked for my last post to be removed. I decided it wasn’t helpful. Much as I would
Hope to give you another perspective (trying to say a kind of ‘stop and smell the flowers’ type thing) it came across as ‘just you wait until they are teens’ and that wasn’t my intentionAT ALL.

Apologies.

I think there is an element of rose tinted glasses in that view point too @0hforfoxsake. I hope so anyway, as if this is as good as it gets, then I genuinely will regret having them...