To think that motherhood is the loneliest job going

[Blindspot82]

As above really. I love my two DC's. But I find it so very lonely raising small children. Doesn't matter how many baby-clubs I go to or how many other people I talk to at the school gates. Days can go by without me holding a meaningful conversation with another adult, that doesn't involve some aspect of the kids. Sometimes days go by without me talking to another adult at all.

I wouldn't change it for the world but OMG it's socially isolating. The relentless routine. The food prep. The housework. The picking up toys, all the fucking time. Repeatedly. When the kids are ill it gets worse. I don't leave the house, except to scurry over the road to buy milk and calpol and bread/toilet-roll.

Husband is out all day at work. I go to bed early, after the children have gone down so that I can get some shut-eye before the next shift. Feel like an unpaid domestic servant sometimes. I know it won't always be like this but I've come to the conclusion that motherhood is a lonely, tough job, and for a certain period of time you forgo your right to social independence. Does anyone else feel like this? AIBU? DH and I get on fine, but I honestly feel we live two different lifestyles right now.

That's why I went back to work, even though it didn't make financial sense in the short term at some stages, life is too short and it was in my and my family's benefit for me to be happy. And my DH of course, he carried on working too! But no one questions that do they.

It's a lot of work. If I could pay someone I would. Hopefully when my twins are in school I can work myself of this hole I have found myself in. The work falls mostly on women.

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Yes Olderthenyounger now, you’re right.

This thread has taken me back 15 years and I remember it being lovely. (And yet here I am, single parent of 4 DCs in a different city - so something went wrong!)

We will all do it! When this is all just a memory, we will conveniently forget the drudgery and remember the sweet little cuddles and 2 hour naps... I think it's human nature!

Is working not possible for you op?

This is the very reason I wasn't and could never have been a stay at home mum, it's soul destroying, your kids can get fab stimulation at nursery with other kids, and then have a wonderful time at home with parents who aren't frazzled and worn down.

Best of both worlds.

It is lonely for some women but I am a bit of a loner and loved being on my own with 2 children. My children are now grown up but I still enjoy doing stuff on my own without anyone telling me what to do or telling me not to spend my own money like my hubby does ... I am actually dreading it when he retires in a few years ... sigh!

YANBU OP. I felt exactly like this when my DC were small and in the school holidays/when they're ill I still feel like this and still hate the domestic drudgery. I could work, but actually it would just mean then that I got no time to myself, so I prefer being a SAHP and PT student - that way I do at least have some autonomy in my life.

What used to intensify my loneliness in the early days was the mums I met who would claim to be blissfully happy. That really crushed me! Maybe they were, maybe they weren't, but felt they couldn't admit it, but the people I did make friends with were the ones who could say 'Fuck me this is boring!'. Those people saved my sanity, them and Radio 4 (totally agree with the poster up-thread who said this - intelligent debate to listen to all day - literally a sanity saver), and a drink at 6pm if I needed it. Just one glass of wine took the edge off and there were days when I really fucking needed it! My DM was good too. I could call her and say how bored and lonely I was and she totally got it - bless her.

I lost all my friends. Just goes to show who your true friends are and apparently I had no true friends .
I'm glad to be honest that they showed their true colours. Wasting my time otherwise.

How old are the kids op?

How many days does do work? Does he do his share of chores and childcare?

It is boring sometimes being a stay at home mum and I actually gave up a successful career to look after my children. My mother always worked and I hated letting myself into a empty house after school so I vowed I would not do the same to my children. Strangely enough my daughter who had a successful corporate job is now doing the same as I did.

Yes could have written this myself! Very well put. People say 'oh just go out' between the naps and laundry and cooking - and when I do get out, the toddler is jumping off things and the baby is pulling himself up on things so I have half conversations with my friends and leave more frazzled than when I went.
So sending solidarity hugs

I have an 8 month old and had dreams of being a SAHM but am now sure I want (need) to return to work PT atleast.

I just feel it’s relentless being home all the time and as pp said:

People think it’s a huge privilege to be able to stay at home, the simple fact is you staying at home means massive compromises on your life to facilitate everyone else’s.

I think the trick is to try and get out when you can. See what child friendly activities are happening whether it's at the library, children's centre, buggy fitness in the park, soft play, shopping centre with feeding & changing facilities. The other thing I found mind numbing was hanging out with other mums purely because we had kids the same age (sorry hasn't worked out for me).
Try and keep in contact with your friends you had before becoming a mother. I really liked hearing about their day, their work/relationship/family issues and it helped me keep in touch with the real world. It also meant I didn't 'lose' myself whilst dealing with kids pretty much most of my day as I could be the pre-motherhood self with my friends rather than being 'mummy' all day.

@zafferana
Exactly my situation - I could have written that myself
OP yanbu
I especially felt that way about the domestic drudgery, I had a high flying city career before it all went to shit

YANBU OP. In the end I opened up Playgroup's, every morning. It satisfied a need in me too as I was finally needed outside my home and the mums in the region were great. Organised nights out too. Did this for six years and recently went back to work.

People think it’s a huge privilege to be able to stay at home

I don't think that's true at all. So many women have to stay home because they can't afford childcare and are the lower earner, they would much rather be in work

The privalege is having the choice.

To be able to stay home if you wish or work if you wish.

The truth is plenty of women who have the choice simply don't want to do it due to what the op describes. Plenty of other women are forced into it, none of these women think it's a privilege.

Same here, which is why I probably frequent MN so much, I lost almost all of my friends when my twins were born because they felt I was making myself a martyr (my twins were in NICU for 4 months and said ‘friends’ couldn’t understand why I was with them 24/7 and not ‘taking a break to meet for a coffee’.)

So I’m stuck at home, love my twins to the ends of the earth but the drudgery is real. DH and I make sure to try and at least watch a programme in the evening and discuss that, or he’ll tell me about football and I’ll tell him what threads I’m reading here 😂 it’s not the deep meaningful conversation we used to have, not all the time I’d like it anyway, but it helps to have a mutual conversation point

Financially my earning potential isn’t enough to even cover the cost of care for both DC so it makes more sense to be a SAHM until they’re in nursery at 3yo.

I do go out with them a lot and have tried my damndest to make friends in Mum and baby/toddler groups but I’m that sort of oddball that doesn’t make friends easily - especially given my interests outside of parenting are video games, comic books, regular books, alt. Music and where I live there don’t seem to be many others about at the groups that are like me! Ah well, I know it’ll get easier (hopefully) as time goes on but I do understand the lack of feeling relevant now outside the role of ‘Mummy’.

It wasn’t so bad in the summer as I’d often catch the neighbours and we’d have great conversations but in the winter it’s like we’re all hibernating 😂

I’d agree the privilege is to have the choice. I’d hope for dd she earns enough to work if it she wants to, but doesn’t have to.

Yes, it can be really tough. Experienced this a lot with my first, bit less so with my second. Life changes forever and I agree with a pp, some people think you're living the life of riley when you're just facilitating everyone else.
It does get better and easier. Part time work is the answer for many if that's possible for you .

Another vote for Radio 4 - both my mum and MIL listened to it all the time.

I've worked from home solo for the past 5 years so adjusting to life with a newborn wasn't that different for me. I remember when I started WFH I seriously questioned if I could do it as I felt so lonely, but over time I got used to it and wouldn't change the flexibility it has given me for the world now.
I guess that's made it a little easier for me as I really enjoy my days with DD. I too try to get out every day, visit friends and family, walk the dogs, trundle around the shops. Breaks the day up a bit.

Me too @RobinHobb (or maybe not so much 'high flying' as well paid City job). I felt I had completely lost my identity, which I had. Now I have a different identity and I'm okay with that, but it was a painful transition.

@zafferana
How long did your transition take? I also feel like I'm in the middle of changing and recovering but reading threads like this seems to throw me right back to the angry resentful times at the beginning. I earned around £200-£300k with bonus (and this is not a boast because I earn nothing now). But the job requires complete devotion, there is no part time, there is no "I can't travel last minute" etc. DH has the same job, at higher level. I didn't want to outsource the children to a full time live in nanny and a weekend nanny which is the only way it could work. So now I'm at home, DH is working all the time, so I'm alone with a toddler and a preschooler committed to a life of domestic drudgery.
I'm just having a bad day today. I'm actually very lucky because we can afford some nursery hours; and I have a nanny one day a week so I can do a part time masters ( which is about the only way I can keep putting one foot in front of the other and going on and not let the monotony kill me)
Maybe I'm not cut out to be a mum, I can't wait till they are less dependant and needy. But I just can't make myself leave them all week and go back to work 70-90 hours a week like DH has.
It just sucks.
Sorry that was long and ranty. But cathartic

@RobinHobb: why don't you get the nanny for an extra day? I would with your circumstances.

You could also do another job, presumably? You don't need to earn 200k or be a SAHP: there's a middle ground.

Get 2 days with the nanny anyway, even if your not going back. Go swimming, read the paper in a cafe, do some jobs like shopping or getting the car washed, and then home for tea.