Christmas

[Jon6b]

Every xmas since aged 18, my 30 year adult son goes to his live in girlfriend's parents in the north for xmas. This year he is staying at home and have invited them to his. When I said oh, how lovely, perhaps we should come over too, as we haven't spent much time with her parents. He said oh, I think she (girlfriend) would like to be with her parents only on xmas day! I think I might reassess my will as clearly we aren't as close as I thought. I have an idea to set up a bursary after my death to help single mothers go to university. Is that really awful?

I think I might reassess my will as clearly we aren't as close as I thought. I have an idea to set up a bursary after my death to help single mothers go to university. Is that really awful?’
It’s a massive overreaction and a horrible thing to do to your child.

Yanbu, I wouldn’t blame you. How hurtful.

Outside Christmas, how are things?

Does he see you throughout the year?

I'd be very hurt too.

You sound spiteful

He’s mean.

I think I might reassess my will as clearly we aren't as close as I thought. I have an idea to set up a bursary after my death to help single mothers go to university

Wtf 😂 weird

Need to know more about your relationship beyond this incident

I agree it's hurtful.

But speaks volumes that the first thought that comes to your mind, is reassessing your will.

Who's 'we' - you and your partner? Does he/his girlfriend get on with your partner?

Not wanting to play devils advocate but have you thought it's easier for him to blame the girlfriend....maybe its him?

More background is needed.

How are things when it isn't Christmas?

Hi Jon6b,

To be honest I would be hurt too but I really depends on your relationship. Do you see him and GF regularly? Do you get on with both of them? Are there grandchildren too? Are you and him close and does he help out or come and see you if you are sick?

Your adult son hasn't been seeing you on xmas all these years so why hasn't it been an issue before? Why didnt he at least alternate xmas with the GFs family and you? If it hurts your feelings you should tell him, at least give him a chance to make amends.

It sounds like GFs family live a fair distance away and she doesnt see them often but previously you might not have made an issue of it because of this reason. This year as they are local it is very hurtful that he still doesn't want to see you, and I'm sure seeing your family on xmas is important to you too but you never told him so he didnt think it was an issue? I'm just guessing as you haven't said much about the ins and outs of it.

If your kids don't feel the same about you and they dont make the effort with you, certainly should consider updating your will because he doesn't give a crap about your feelings on xmas which I think is a really important family time...but give him a chance before doing anything hasty. Good luck.

Christmas is total shit for many. It seems to magnify issues that are already there year round.

I am not having a go at you OP, just talking out loud. The amount of angst ridden threads at this time of the year are quite sad.

Personally, Christmas to me is just another day with extra goodies and nice PJs. Each to their own.

Do you generally get on with him? I can understand the hurt that the girlfriends parent seem to take priority at Christmas, but without more info it's difficult to judge.

In all honesty though I find it disgusting when people use their will as a hold/punishment over people. Imo it's a truly warped way of thinking.

It sounds like you tried to invite yourself over for Christmas Day, maybe he panicked and came up with a clumsy response as he wanted to discuss it with his girlfriend? As for adjusting your will that seems way over the top based on one event, hard to say without background info though.

Personally, Christmas to me is just another day with extra goodies and nice PJs. Each to their own.

Totally agree with this. It's just another day albeit with some nice things. No need for all the angst over it.

Is your relationship otherwise good?

Why wouldn't you just speak to him like an adult?

@Whitehorseinthehill

Agree, but it doesn't work for everyone either, and I understand that too.

But am so glad that for me it is just another day.

Well I don't blame you for being hurt , I would be too, have you gently explained this to your son? How is your relationship with him? Do you see him frequently throughout the year? More context is needed. Is he an only child? Setting up a fund/ bursary to help single mothers go to uni is a worthwhile cause but I would be wary of writing your son completely out if your will as that is hurtful (I know he's hurt you) if you decide to go ahead I'd split it between your son and charity but first I'd try to reconnect with DS but don't use your will as leverage.

There must be more to this

You're being nasty and spiteful.

If you try to use your Son's inheritance to control him, I'm not surprised that he doesn't want to spend Christmas day with you.

However, do they see much of her Parents? How do you get on generally?

Tbh, Single Mums get a fair bit of help to study and not all Single Mums are poor. So the charity would have to be more specific.

Where did your money come from, was any of it an inheritance?

I don't see much of my eldest DD, but I would never do that to her. Have you always been so controlling?

Yeah. Ok.