Christmas

[Jon6b]

Every xmas since aged 18, my 30 year adult son goes to his live in girlfriend's parents in the north for xmas. This year he is staying at home and have invited them to his. When I said oh, how lovely, perhaps we should come over too, as we haven't spent much time with her parents. He said oh, I think she (girlfriend) would like to be with her parents only on xmas day! I think I might reassess my will as clearly we aren't as close as I thought. I have an idea to set up a bursary after my death to help single mothers go to university. Is that really awful?

Not awful at all. Why would you leave your DS anything when for 12 years he has visited GF's parents for Christmas and been quite unfair to you?

I wouldn't tell him though. Just do it. I can totally understand why you would feel so hurt. The least he could do us alternate spending Christmasses with GF's parents and then with you.

Oh good. A horrible, mean Dil (or Dil in waiting) one. Makes a change from the number of wicked mil ones currently doing the rounds on MN.

You must feel very hurt to consider this,and I do understand that
I really hope that you can patch things up with your son as otherwise it is all very sad
Can you tell him how you feel, without mentioning the Will

Remember, if you cut him out of your will the most important thing is to LET HIM KNOW. Otherwise you won't get to enjoy the upset and pain this causes. Revenge isn't any fun if you don't get to witness the suffering.

I agree fuck him , leave a bit to some cat charity as well . It's not nice though and why is he being controlled by her anyway why shouldn't he see his family Christmas Day? Unless he's lied cos he don't like you. Who knows but still fuck him , fuck them both.

@AnybodyWantAChip, you'd have to be very warped to enjoy watching your children suffer. Whose to say the son is arsed. He gets a good reason to walk away for good.

Do you enjoy and celebrate Christmas OP?

There's been many threads on here with quite valid reasons why the OP doesn't want to spend Christmas with certain relatives and won't be controlled by the dangling of inheritance.

Hmm, so not a bad idea to leave it to my university as a bursary but not to tell him . . ..

In fairness he's a good chap and I wouldn't want to hurt him, just wondered whether I am being unreasonable.

I have chatted to him about how I feel, but I think reading between the lines he would get more hassle from his gf than he would from me if he changed things so hey ho. We'll book a nice holiday in the sun for xmas and spend some of his inheritance that way , preferably in a country that doesn't celebrate xmas!

Ponaka7 I think you may have missed the sarcasm in anybodywantachip’s post

Haha, @Ponaka7 I thought @anybodywantachip was serious too.

There might not be any inheritance left for him anyway if you have to go in to a care home.
But, yeh, why not, change your will.

My MIL blamed everything on me, everything! The truth was her DS didn't like her and didn't like her company because she could be very nasty and vindictive. He just didn't want to tell her the truth because he didn't want to hurt her so she made the assumption that I refused to 'let' him visit her. She had no personal insight and couldn't see that her behaviour created the situation she found herself in. At least try to get to the bottom of 'the problem' between you and your son before you change your will, which strikes me as being quite spiteful. By all means spend and enjoy your money, but deliberately leaving it to strangers because you're angry your son won't spend Christmas with you is not charitable.

My mum told me I was being cut out in favour of other people. I just told her not to make promises as she would need her house to pay for a care home

He hasn’t chosen to spend Christmas with you in twelve years?!

Backstory ...

You're going to disinherit your son because he doesn't spend Xmas with you?

Using money or the promise/ threats around inheritance is controlling, mean spirited and unpleasant. We try to leave our children something because we love them not because their girlfriend cooked a turkey.
Perhaps a less manipulative and more honest adult to adult conversation would help improve things.

I wouldnt be happy if someone invited themselves over for xmas with me asking ,but i think they should have been alternating years before this unless there is a backstory between you and gf

Outside of Christmas how are things? Do they live close by so you get to see them during the year? I understand your annoyance though. Sadly quite often when a man meets a female she will favour her parents and the mans parents are pushed out a bit. Not always the case of course. My granny always said a son is your son until he gets married. Sorry this probably isn’t helping.

Surely you could pop over even just for an hour or two?

This is why I struggle with Christmas. Both our families live locally but keeping them both happy is a nightmare. They both get a bit jealous if we spend dinner with one and not the other by the truth is we always have to visit them. We spend most of Christmas Day visiting family and have no time to ourselves or DC. It’s exhausting!

@S0upertrooper similar tale here. MIL thinks I’m the reason we don’t see her much when in reality, my DH can’t stand her.

Perhaps your son isn’t so keen on spending time with you?

I would be hurt too but the fact that your first thought is it to remove him from your will points to you viewing the relationship from quite a narcissistic point of view. Why not actually talk to your son honestly, say your hurt and perhaps suggest alternatives (Eg Xmas eve? Boxing day!?). Maybe try to build the relationship up over the whole year.

Gosh. I didn’t realise inheritances were intrinsically linked with where you spend Christmas.
For various reasons we haven’t been able to spend Christmas with either my IL’s or with my dad for the past 10 years. We have a great relationship with them all. Better disinherit us though as, after all, where you spend Christmas is the only thing that matters!

@Whatodoabout ironically I was the one who used to encourage him to phone and visit, which he reluctantly did. I got sick of being the baddie, so left them to it and he stopped contacting her. We have an adult son who I expect will spend Christmas with his GF's family this year, which we are cool about. I always say, no pressure and do what makes life easier.

Although actually, having said that, we will be spending Christmas with the in laws this year for the first time. Does that mean we’re back in the will? What are the ‘rules’? Are there a certain number of Christmas’ we need to spend with them to be included on the will? Does easter have any bearing on it?

We have a similar situation. See MIL maybe 3-4 times a year. I'm convinced she thinks it's because of me and despite the fact she has been bloody hard work over the years, I continue to extend an olive branch and make it known she is welcome in our home.

My husband on the other hand, makes NO effort and finds her difficult. I refuse to facilitate the visits as I have enough going on and feel it's his responsibility!

It's hard to advise without knowing more about your situation really. But yes, on the surface it's hurtful.

Sorry I should have said arrange/organise the visits.

I would facilitate it if my husband was bothered!

Sorry OP you are being spiteful.