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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU in expecting DSC to come to a Family Event ?

72 replies

Doyoumindifislytherin · 18/11/2019 14:05

Background is birthday party booked months ago for dd birthday. It's an activity type party that has a start and end time and if anyone arrived late they wouldn't be able to participate in the booked activity.

DSC has a weekend hobby that they are not really that interested in, when asked if they want to go to practice the usual answer is a resounding no! Anyway the hobby has a performance coming up that has unfortunately fell on same weekend as Dd birthday party. The performance itself isn't actually until the following day after dd party but they have a rehearsal they announced this week that clashes with dd party itself. DSC have stated they want to come dd party and not the hobby rehearsal. DSC mother being very difficult stating they can't come to party and have to go to rehearsal instead.

It's DP access day so DSC are in his care yet DSC mum is dictating that they can't come.

AIBU in expecting DP and DSC to miss the rehearsal and come to the party?

OP posts:

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 18/11/2019 14:08

DPs call. It’s his contact time. I think Birthday trumps rehearsal. They’ll have been rehearsing every week up to the performance anyway.

HappyDinosaur · 18/11/2019 14:11

Agree with pp, on your DP's day it is up to him what the child does or doesn't do. In this case the mum is being particularly unreasonable as the child has indicated a clear preference. It would also be a shame for DSC not to be involved as it might make them feel a little left out of things.

Original poster

Doyoumindifislytherin · 18/11/2019 14:29

DP has stated that DSC want to come to the party. Their DM causing a fuss insisting they go to the rehearsal and that she will take them herself.

Already rescheduled DD original plans to accommodate dsc performance at her demands so feels very much this is a non issue being made an issue out of spite

OP posts:

Whattodoabout · 18/11/2019 14:31

YANBU because the children have clearly stated a wish to attend the party.

Quartz2208 · 18/11/2019 14:36

What implications are there for everyone in the rehearsal and the performance for them missing it

Also please tell me on your access weekends you dont ask them - if its a paid activity and they agreed to it its not optional - does their mum pay for this and how often do they miss it on your weekends

CalmdownJanet · 18/11/2019 14:37

I see the mother's point to be honest. Who pays for the activity? Technically it's your weekend so your dp's call but you are either in a club/sport/hobby or your not, I wouldn't allow dd to miss a rehearsal for a party. So if she's paying for the club, possibly paying extra for the performance then I'd be annoyed if the dsc didn't go to the rehearsal.

Drabarni · 18/11/2019 14:39

I'm not sure tbh. Will the children not be able to take part if they don't make the rehearsal? It was like this for my dc dancing and music concerts and performances.
Maybe the mum isn't being difficult, there could be good reasons.
They are step children anyway and shouldn't be expected by you or anyone else to be at the party.
Just because the kids want to go to the party doesn't mean they should sometimes you have to miss these things if previous commitments.

halcyondays · 18/11/2019 14:43

If it’s the last rehearsal then they will probably expect everyone who can possibly be there to attend.

Original poster

Doyoumindifislytherin · 18/11/2019 14:47

It's a PAYG activity and they haven't had regular attendance throughout the year on both sides.

To the previous poster who states "they are step children and shouldn't be expected by me or anyone else to attend any party"
Are you implying I should treat them differently because they step children? I'm curious to understand this as we have come together as a family unit and I treat them equally when together. Is this not the done thing? Who knew?! Next year for dd birthday I'll book her a fancy holiday, me DP and just her. Leave the dcs at home with the DM because, you know I shouldn't expect them to be part of anything

OP posts:

justmyview · 18/11/2019 14:48

If it's a ballet show or similar, they probably insist people go to the rehearsal or can't take part in the show

NearlyGranny · 18/11/2019 14:50

Back right off and let the two DPs slug it out. This is not your problem! The exP may be trying to sow seeds of discord between you and your DP and using your DSC as a pawn.

Make sure everyone involved knows you're focussing on the party and DD's birthday and making sure everyone who comes has a great time. DSC is invited and welcome but if they can't come that's no problem.

ExP is doing all the rushing about and insisting, so let her have the bad guy label - she's earned it!

weirdsmell · 18/11/2019 14:50

I think it's important that she is encouraged to show commitment tbh. So she misses a party, not really a huge deal.

Cheeseandwin5 · 18/11/2019 14:51

Your no going to win, DM will and can act in anyway she chooses, whether its fair or reasonable doesn't matter.
I am afraid you will just have to suck it up, unless you want your DP's other days being mysteriously cancelled.
Saying that, and for its worth I can see that the last rehearsal before the show is very important and it is probaly wise if your DSC does attend

SoupDragon · 18/11/2019 14:52

DD has done a few dance shows with a compulsory rehearsal and I think this trumps a birthday party.

If they aren't going to commit to the activity though, they need to drop it.

GrumpyHoonMain · 18/11/2019 14:52

What lesson are you both teaching the DSC, that it’s okay to shirk on your commitments for a better offer? Family birthdays can be caught up on later after the rehearsal - you could even have a seperate mini party that involves dsc and am sure your dd would love that. But neither side should be cancelling planned activities like this.

Foslady · 18/11/2019 14:55

If it’s a performance the mum will have had it drilled into her that the only acceptable reason for no show is death if it’s anything like when dd did ballet!
Do they have to be there the entire time? If they are only in one half could they only attend for that part?

Apolloanddaphne · 18/11/2019 15:00

I would be encouraging attendance at the rehearsal if the show is the next day. You can't just sack off commitments for a party. What sort of terrible message does that send?

AlexaShutUp · 18/11/2019 15:12

If the child has committed to a particular activity and performance, then I think they should attend the relevant rehearsals. Missing a rehearsal the day before a performance just to go to a party would be a bit off in my view.

Of course, if the child doesn't want to do the activity any more and doesn't want to do the performance, that's a separate issue which should probably be discussed with the mother.

I'm not at all in favour of making kids do hobbies that they don't want to do, but if they choose to do something, then I think they need to commit to it wholeheartedly, and that sometimes involves sacrificing other stuff that they'd like to do.

GertiMJN · 18/11/2019 15:19

Is the DC planning on doing the performance?

It's an odd message to give a child re commitment to an activity, especially one that has a performance element.

It's hard to know if anyone is BU without understanding the background.

PersephoneOP · 18/11/2019 15:21

YANBU, however, as others have stated it's your DP who needs to make the decision and enforce this with DSC mum since it is his day with his children

Original poster

Doyoumindifislytherin · 18/11/2019 15:28

The party was booked and confirmed before the performance was.
I'm pretty sure if it was DSC party, there would be no issue with not going to the rehearsal and the party would be going ahead.

Those that are saying the rehearsal trumps the party, if it was your DC that had the activity and it impacted their pre booked party would your decision be the same?

I'm genuinely curious....

OP posts:

WhoCaresWins01 · 18/11/2019 15:28

Very bad form to miss the final rehearsal but to turn up to the performance! I can understand why the mum wants her child to go to the rehearsal. Who pays for the activity? How old is DSC?

EleanorShellstrop100 · 18/11/2019 15:29

Ugh I hate all this ‘Never let your children cancel anything or you’re teaching them a terrible lesson!!!’ My mum had this attitude and guess what lesson I learned? That this attitude is stupid, stressful, unnecessarily rigid and makes everyone miserable. OP YANBU the mum is clearly just being difficult, but I agree with a PP that you shouldn’t get involved and just leave your partner to sort it (or try to)

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 18/11/2019 15:29

I can pretty much guarantee the children will be telling you what you want to hear. Ie we're not that bothered by the activity. Possibly they are doing the same to mum ie "were not that fussed by birthday party".

Are you in contact with the activity organisers yourself to discuss the dilemma and the importance or otherwise of the rehearsal?

ChicCroissant · 18/11/2019 15:32

If it is something like music, drama or dance then it would be hard to miss the rehearsal before the performance and the teachers would not be please. I do think you are being a bit unreasonable there.

Who pays for the lessons, the mother presumably? And the DSC wants to do the performance?

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