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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU in expecting DSC to come to a Family Event ?

72 replies

Doyoumindifislytherin · 18/11/2019 14:05

Background is birthday party booked months ago for dd birthday. It's an activity type party that has a start and end time and if anyone arrived late they wouldn't be able to participate in the booked activity.

DSC has a weekend hobby that they are not really that interested in, when asked if they want to go to practice the usual answer is a resounding no! Anyway the hobby has a performance coming up that has unfortunately fell on same weekend as Dd birthday party. The performance itself isn't actually until the following day after dd party but they have a rehearsal they announced this week that clashes with dd party itself. DSC have stated they want to come dd party and not the hobby rehearsal. DSC mother being very difficult stating they can't come to party and have to go to rehearsal instead.

It's DP access day so DSC are in his care yet DSC mum is dictating that they can't come.

AIBU in expecting DP and DSC to miss the rehearsal and come to the party?

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/11/2019 18:48

Whether DC or DS they would be going to the rehearsal. It’s not fair n the organisers or other performers to back out for a better offer.

Plus they are probably just saying to you what they think you want to hear.

There’s presumably a decent age gap between them so will they actually really miss out?

monkeymonkey2010 · 18/11/2019 19:06

The performance itself isn't actually until the following day after dd party but they have a rehearsal they announced this week that clashes with dd party itself
They should be going to the rehearsal and good on their mum for putting her foot down.

It's a full rehearsal the night before the first live performance!
If they don't take their activity seriously enough to show respect for the rest of the group then they shouldn't have accepted roles in the performance.
A birthday party does not over-ride this particular rehearsal in terms of importance/priority.

Namelessinseattle · 18/11/2019 19:25

Are they the same age? Would you let your child miss a sports match for a party?

wibdib · 18/11/2019 19:27

I think it becomes a lot more tricky when things have been organised around the same time for what was ostensibly a free day - for all you knew the dress rehearsal could have been the week before or the weekend before, particularly as it sounds like it’s not an activity that has been initiated by your dh, the dc are quite young and you don’t really know much about it.

Do you think your sdc will want to go back to this activity next year? How much of it has fallen on dp’s time and how much on the ex’s time? And is the performance on the ex’s time or your time?

I would be tempted to take the sdc to the party - final rehearsals are important but if it’s such a small part then I think that it’s important to encourage good friendships in blended families too so I think I’d go for the party as it was organised before the date of the rehearsal. It would be different if they had the lead role but as they haven’t I would go for the party.

Foslady · 18/11/2019 19:57

As I mentioned previously, if they are only in one half, do they have to stay for the full rehearsal?

Winterdaysarehere · 18/11/2019 20:08

Op I would ponder whether any time /date scenario would have seen ex agreeing to them attending.
Ime the ex disagreed we went on holiday without dsc but taking them was unfair as she hadn't taken them to x y or z places we suggested and she didn't want dc to have a holiday without her at all!
Bonkers.

Original poster

Doyoumindifislytherin · 18/11/2019 20:23

They have to stay for full rehearsal and for 2 performances the following day and it's on my DP time. Each week when my DP wakes DSC early to go to the hobby, DSC expresses that they do not want to go. It's a PAYG hobby and DSC DM is vary lapsy daisy as to when they attend. However with show happening they must now attend every session, even though DSC just isn't that fussed about going.

Dsc and dd are the same age, and my dd also has a hobby that is facilitated each week. However dd has the flexibility to attend alternative sessions if they had something else on such as a party or holiday etc And I can hand on heart say if DSC had a birthday and the rehearsal for the event was at the same time I would ensure DD was at the party. But that's just me.....

OP posts:

Original poster

Doyoumindifislytherin · 18/11/2019 20:29

@Wintersdaysarehere you have hit the nail on the head with this. Booked a holiday and dsc dm got wind of this, cue the "How dare you go away without your DC?!" Outbursts to DP. (This was a year away and dp had checked to ensure his ex had nothing planned during that time. Her instant reaction was that we was going away and not taking dsc) when in fact we had booked for all of us to go, and suddenly DSC DM is unsure about them coming with us etc etc.

OP posts:

Livelovebehappy · 18/11/2019 21:07

Probably the party is a couple of hours long? If so does it really justify missing a rehearsal/show where many hours have been spent putting things together? Maybe the DSC has picked up on the disharmony/arguments about the situation, and is just saying and agreeing to whatever to keep people happy - a situation all too common in blended families I guess.

Winterdaysarehere · 18/11/2019 21:51

Ime you do the best at the time for the dc you have at the time.
My ex had 50 /50 with our dc and I had further dc 100 % of the time. Had to accept we all did stuff together when we could but 100 % dc got to spend more time with me obviously..
We are all together now and no grudges held as adults....

TheDarkPassenger · 19/11/2019 00:11

I think sisters party trumps rehearsals tbh. But we’re very big on our family as were both not close to much of our own families. We’re blended too, for context. Any of my kids would be gutted to miss any of their siblings parties and celebrations!

wibdib · 19/11/2019 01:10

I’ve seen these battles go on within families that aren’t step families - child does 2 activities - one that has a regular Sunday commitment playing in a team, the other a during the week activity but expected at Remembrance Sunday parade ‘as it’s just one Sunday and really really important and you’re told this at the start when you join’. Other activity in Sunday says it’s really really important as you have a regular commitment, we need everyone here as low numbers, we stop to have a 2 minute silence etc. Both parents champion different activities and believe that theirs should take precedence...

weirdsmell · 19/11/2019 01:13

@wibdib

Your comparison is skewed. A birthday party doesn't compare to Remembrance Sunday etc

GunpowderGelatine · 19/11/2019 01:16

Mine do hobbies that have rehearsals the day before (dance/theatre related) these rehearsals are the most important ones and it's an obligation to go. it will be their last chance to find out if any changes or rearrangements in numbers have been made. They have missed the odd party because of this but it's just one of those things where you have to choose and it's important to teach them to commit to things properly. Not going to a rehearsal could mean they're letting other people down. I think they need to go sorry and I wouldn't take it as a slight on your or your DD

GunpowderGelatine · 19/11/2019 01:24

And FWIW OP my DD has her ballet lessons on a Saturday morning and every week jist about she says she doesn't like it and doesn't want to go anymore. What she means is "it's Saturday and I can't be arsed" because she comes out as happy as Larry and excited for next week. When I suggest cancelling ballet altogether she says "yes" before the lesson then every time without fail (after coming out) says "please don't cancel I love ballet" 🙄 fecking kids

SoupDragon · 19/11/2019 07:19

my dd also has a hobby that is facilitated each week. However dd has the flexibility to attend alternative sessions if they had something else on such as a party or holiday etc And I can hand on heart say if DSC had a birthday and the rehearsal for the event was at the same time I would ensure DD was at the party. But that's just me.....

How do you propose they get "flexibility" in with a full rehearsal involving lots of children? Your DD's hobby is irrelevant in this scenario.

If you would pull your DD out for a party then you should not commit to the show. The two go hand in hand.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 19/11/2019 07:19

Its not a family party though. It sounds like the birthday child is your daughter and no relation to them. That’s why their mum doesn’t see it as a priority.

transformandriseup · 19/11/2019 08:15

From a child's point of view I would definitely have wanted to go to the party and would have been miserable if I was told I couldn't go. However I was in a lot a shows around that age and knew I would need to be at every rehearsal or else it wouldn't be fair to the organisers of the show and everyone in it. If the DSC want to drop the hobby they need to speak to their mum but need to go to the rehearsals and show they have already committed to.

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 19/11/2019 09:35

Also for reference when their kids did go to see ExH, i knew full well they were saying what the other side wanted to hear. Often with the full understanding that i would play the bad guy because it deflected the blame from them

wibdib · 19/11/2019 19:58

@transformandriseup You reason for them doing the show is because they had already committed to doing it.
However the way that I’ve read what the OP has said, the dsc has already committed to the party before committing to the show and the show dates were moved... Surely that makes a difference - if you commit to something (A), the dates change and change to a different date where you already have commitments B then you honour B rather than A. A can’t expect to change dates and to knock out any pre-existing commitments can they? Or are there some activities that should be made an exception for?

Genuinely interested - I have a ds that plays for sports teams; when there are important things that come up I consider the whole family and don’t let sports rule what the family does or doesn’t do. However I had a good friend not come to my wedding as their dd was in a sports team - I wouldn’t dream of not going to a wedding (6months notice) but she obviously felt differently. Not sure there’s a right answer to please everyone unfortunately!

Original poster

Doyoumindifislytherin · 19/11/2019 20:39

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss I'm astonished that you don't view blended/step families as family?! I have 3 step siblings and they are very much part of my family as are my step parents.

OP posts:

justmyview · 22/11/2019 10:22

I know to you it's five mins on a recorder but it's not just your stepdaughter working in the performance by the sounds of it and all the little five minute parts take planning and organising and work by staff and the other kids and I kind of think it's unfair on everyone else taking part and working on organising and planning for children to not show up for rehearsals once they've committed to being part of the performance

This

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