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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in expecting DSC to come to a Family Event ?

72 replies

Doyoumindifislytherin · 18/11/2019 14:05

Background is birthday party booked months ago for dd birthday. It's an activity type party that has a start and end time and if anyone arrived late they wouldn't be able to participate in the booked activity.

DSC has a weekend hobby that they are not really that interested in, when asked if they want to go to practice the usual answer is a resounding no! Anyway the hobby has a performance coming up that has unfortunately fell on same weekend as Dd birthday party. The performance itself isn't actually until the following day after dd party but they have a rehearsal they announced this week that clashes with dd party itself. DSC have stated they want to come dd party and not the hobby rehearsal. DSC mother being very difficult stating they can't come to party and have to go to rehearsal instead.

It's DP access day so DSC are in his care yet DSC mum is dictating that they can't come.

AIBU in expecting DP and DSC to miss the rehearsal and come to the party?

OP posts:
Usernumbers1234 · 18/11/2019 15:32

Personally I think what looks like a final rehearsal trumps a birthday party for a step-sibling.

I’m taking “dsc have stated that they want to come” with a pinch of salt. I was a DSC, I said whatever caused less offence to the people in front of me.

megletthesecond · 18/11/2019 15:34

I think rehearsal trumps party I'm afraid.

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 18/11/2019 15:35

I think its really hard. If it was my own child you could give the child the choice you can't in blended families, it puts the child in a tug of war

I also wouldnt be booking parties the same weekend as a big event just in case there was a clash. That doesn't happen in blended families either because it doesnt hit your radar because you dont really care about the activity.

RedskyToNight · 18/11/2019 15:36

In answer to your question, DD is in a show that is rehearsing on her birthday.
She is going to the rehearsal and we will celebrate her birthday another time.

Going to the rehearsal is not generally an optional activity. In fact, normally when my DC are in shows we are asked to sign a form that states they will attend all rehearsals and performances, unless there is a very good reason (birthday party is not a very good reason).

HugoSpritz · 18/11/2019 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PuppyMonkey · 18/11/2019 15:53

I wish you’d tell us what this hobby and this performance is OP.Confused

I mean, if the SDC is the lead in Oliver! at the Royal Concert Hall and the dress rehearsal won’t be able to take place without the SDC, letting the whole cast down, the rehearsal takes priority imho.

If the hobby is standing at the back of a choir singing We Wish You A Merry Christmas alongside 50 other singers where it wouldn’t make the slightest difference if your SDC was there or not, well... party wins.

Quartz2208 · 18/11/2019 15:54

What are the ages?

PuppyMonkey · 18/11/2019 15:55

Hang on, I think I mean DSC don’t I? Oops.Blush

Winterdaysarehere · 18/11/2019 15:57

Ime the ex will never happily encourage 'her' dc to participate in 'your' family events..
You are pissing in the wind op but as long as the dsc know who said they can't attend.
Again ime it will come back and bite her in the arse eventually..

Foslady · 18/11/2019 15:57

Yes - my dd would have to still go, her not being there impacts on all the others that have worked hard to be in the performance. Trying to make sure every little thing is perfect for a nerve wracking 1st night is much harder if people are missing. And it’s not just performance on stage but back stage routine that needs to be known.
Disappointing for you but a performance is a big deal for most of the group

GertiMJN · 18/11/2019 16:03

OP YANBU the mum is clearly just being difficult

TBF Eleanor OP has given so little information it's impossible to know.

If the performance was only recently announced then it sounds very casual, but who knows? OP has chosen to leave out vital details.

Witchend · 18/11/2019 16:12

Last rehearsal would always trump party no question.

ChicCroissant · 18/11/2019 16:14

My DD missed her best friend's party one year because of a dress rehearsal. If you commit to the performance, you commit to the rehearsals as well.

weirdsmell · 18/11/2019 16:18

OP YANBU the mum is clearly just being difficult

Too many people forgetting what's important here. The idea that the mum is being 'difficult' is ridiculous. The mum is teaching her child commitment is important for success.

Original poster
Doyoumindifislytherin · 18/11/2019 16:33

I don't want to travel the hobby as potentially outing.

But will say that dsc will only be part of the performance for about 5 mins to showcase to family what they have learned over the year. Think playing the recorder as part of a group of 4-5 year olds to proud parents. (Its not that by the way but just to give some context).

I've resigned to the fact they will not be there. I'm disappointed as if DD but the party will go on with it without them

OP posts:
DriftingLeaves · 18/11/2019 16:38

Youth theatre leader here.

Final rehearsal before performance trumps everything else. Or they will never be given parts in anything else, I expect. You have to accept you have a responsibility to the others.

By not being there they let down the other performers.

Original poster
Doyoumindifislytherin · 18/11/2019 16:38

Travel?? I meant reveal....

OP posts:
weirdsmell · 18/11/2019 16:40

I'm disappointed as if DD but the party will go on with it without them

Can you try and think about why you are disappointed? The party is for your DD so wouldn't centre around your DSD anyway. You should be happy she is doing the show.

Scots2019 · 18/11/2019 16:54

Why do I kids need to "perform" all the time.

The DSC obviously dislikes the activity, but is being made to do it.

If they don't go you will never here the end of it.

Original poster
Doyoumindifislytherin · 18/11/2019 16:55

I'm disappointed because DSC was excited about the party and dd really wanted DSC to be there. They get along fantastically and love spending time together.

I had booked the party before event dates announced. It did originally clash with the performance date so rearranged and resent invites for the day before.

Now this rehearsal has cropped up and dsc and as a knock on result my DP still can't come. Hence the disappointment

OP posts:
VolcanionSteamArtillery · 18/11/2019 17:02

Madness for reorganising anything for the same weekend. Did it not occur to you there would rehearsals? Would have reorganised for the week after or discussed/prepared with all DC the risk DSC might not attend

IsAStormApproaching · 18/11/2019 17:05

I do think the children should go to the rehearsal. It's important to get a final run through with no changes etc.
But if their mum has offered to take them to the rehearsal -and it is her choice they do the activity- then why couldnt your dp let her take them, then he will be able to help support you at the party.

charm8ed · 18/11/2019 17:11

It’s s tricky one but I think rehearsal trumps birthday party.

ActualFemale · 18/11/2019 17:21

I had booked the party before event dates announced. It did originally clash with the performance date so rearranged and resent invites for the day before.

It's quite common for their to be rehearsals in the run up to performances, especially in the few days before. When it became clear that there was a performance that weekend I wouldn't have booked a siblings party for the day before and would have gone for the weekend after instead or booked the day before knowing there's a very good chance one sibling can't attend.

I know to you it's five mins on a recorder but it's not just your stepdaughter working in the performance by the sounds of it and all the little five minute parts take planning and organising and work by staff and the other kids and I kind of think it's unfair on everyone else taking part and working on organising and planning for children to not show up for rehearsals once they've committed to being part of the performance.

Could dd and her stepsister do something the weekend after together?

SoupDragon · 18/11/2019 17:25

if it was your DC that had the activity and it impacted their pre booked party would your decision be the same?

Yes.