To tell this mum her dd is a bully?

[Mamalexi343]

So this has been going on for a couple of months now and I'm at the end of my tether with it.

There's a girl in my 6yo dd's class who is just a downright nasty child, we'll call her F. they both play in the same friendship circle and seem to share the same best friend however this girl has taken a strong dislike to my DD.

DD is coming home everyday saying F has said nasty things to her, said nasty things about her to other children, called her fat and ugly and told her her name is horrible to the point that I've caught DD stood Infront of a mirror and calling herself fat, nor does she now want to be called by her name and no amount of reassurance has changed her view of herself which is heartbreaking for me to watch.

F constantly tells her she can't play with the others and will boss them into ignoring DD and she won't let her anywhere near the best friend leaving DD in tears every morning and now it's a struggle to even get her to school.

I've caught F in the act a few times and told her to leave DD alone and she can't tell people what to do and she always stands there with the sad told off face but I'm not buying it, meanwhile mum is nowhere to be seen.

I've talked to their teacher who did the whole oh I've not noticed anything, I'll keep an eye out but again, I'm not buying it.

We've tried to teach DD to stand up for herself and she tries but it seems to spur F on.

Mum is very much my DD is perfect, she can do no wrong yet claims F suffers with anxiety so I know if I try to talk to her about it she will have her head in the clouds and be in denial that her poor perfect angel could do such a thing.

Aibu to just be blunt and tell her her dd is a nasty bully? I know they're only 6 and I'm sure my DD is no angel in the whole thing but it's got to the point my DH won't do the school run because it makes him so angry to watch, which I sympathize as this is how I feel, what do I do? I can't let this continue.

[Cuteypye]

*bullied by

[Crunchymum]

this went on for 3 years

@Mamalexi343

But your DD is 6? So at most she has just gone into year 2?

How is this 3 years?

[dottiedodah]

TBH I would consider changing School if possible .The trouble with approaching the parents is that it is bound to put her on the defensive .If your DD is upset ,then the other child will play to the crowd and be crafty making sure no teachers/adults can hear .They can be very unkind and cruel .where boys will often have a fight and forget about it .Can you look around or approach other schools ?.Maybe home educate or think about going private if you can afford to

[GettingABitDesperateNow]

Talking to the parent doesnt sound like it will achieve anything. Even if she speaks to her daughter about it, her daughter will surely just deny it.

There is an issue with the school though. Your daughters finger was bitten to the bone twice (surely that must require a hospital visit) and they let incidents carry on for 3 years before taking action? That's awful. I'd consider moving schools if you can or escalate complaints as high as you can, it's not acceptable.

There are always going to be kids who bully in school, some because they just can, even though they've been brought up fine, and some because they have a difficult home life or other issues. Schools have to take action.

Given your child is now saying she is fat and wants to change her name, this is evidence its much more than kids falling out one day- its vicious and prolonged and why the hell is the teacher not noticing it? Espdcially after you told them. By letting the bully carry on they are giving the message that this behaviour is fine. I'd want to know exactly what they're going to do to stop your daughter being abused. I'd give them one more chance to sort it before removing her

[recklessgran]

Personally I'd move her without question but if this isn't possible for whatever reason I would keep DD at home and phone the school for appointment with head. I would state that the meeting is to discuss the systematic bullying of your daughter and that she will remain at home until such times that the matter is dealt with in a timely and satisfactory matter.
Unfortunately this is what I had to do for one of my DD's after numerous chats with the teacher. My goodness the school moved fast once my DD's perfect attendance was threatened.
I realise that this option may not be possible or practical what with everyone working these days but actions do speak louder than words sometimes.

[Dilkhush]

I agree with PP. keep her at home until you have an appointment with the HT.

Visibly take notes at the meeting and ask for the name of the Governor responsible for Safeguarding in case you need to contact them if matters are not resolved. These two things will make the HT see you as a person likely to make a formal complaint and most HTs will try to avoid that not least because complaints hoover up enormous amounts of staff time.

Talk about Safeguarding a lot (it's a trigger word for Ofsted). Don't talk about or badmouth the bully, just keep asking what measures the school is going to take to safeguard your child. Actual measures, actions by staff I mean. They'll distract you with flannel if they can but it's the responsibility of the school to keep children safe.

Whatever you do, don't talk to the other parent.

[Ijustwanttoretire]

If you get continually no response from the head go to the governing body - they are the next step and the head's 'boss' if you like.

[Anonanonanonanonanonanonanon]

Do not approach the mother. The daughter gets it from somewhere, and so you are unlikely to end up having a reasonable or constructive conversation.

My daughter - now 9 - has got quite good at calling out mean girl behaviour for what it is ("You're saying/doing this because you are threatened by my friendship with X but there's no reason why we can't all be friends". "You're saying mean things to me to try to make yourself feel bigger, but that just means you're insecure". To bullies who say things like her shoes are rubbish she'll say "That's true, but maybe one day I'll be able to get some nicer ones. Do you think you'll ever be able to get a more attractive personality?"). Even talking about these potential responses made her feel better about the situations she was finding herself in, and it has helped her deal with bullies a little better. I think that it's very hard - if not impossible - to change a bully's behaviour but you can change your feelings about what they say to you, so that the words bounce off and self-esteem is intact. It's about not playing the bully's game. If you don't care about the things they want you to care about (so that they can hurt you by undermining those things) then they lose all their power.

However, it sounds like you have a bigger problem with this school, with physical harm being unaddressed, and I would look to move your daughter if you possibly can.

[RightYesButNo]

If your daughter is 6 and you already know that the school won’t protect her and she’s been that seriously injured TWICE by another student, though I understand it wasn’t F, they’re never going to take non-injury bullying by F or anyone else seriously, and she needs to get out of that school and into just about any other you can possibly find. I don’t know how you got her to go back to school after she’d been bitten so badly, and if this bullying keeps up, you’re going to have a school refuser at the age of 6, and for very, very good reason. I’m sorry, as it must be so stressful.

[MintyMabel]

we'll call her F.

Because it’s so confusing if you don’t give her a random initial?