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To tell this mum her dd is a bully?

87 replies

Mamalexi343 · 18/11/2019 13:28

So this has been going on for a couple of months now and I'm at the end of my tether with it.

There's a girl in my 6yo dd's class who is just a downright nasty child, we'll call her F. they both play in the same friendship circle and seem to share the same best friend however this girl has taken a strong dislike to my DD.

DD is coming home everyday saying F has said nasty things to her, said nasty things about her to other children, called her fat and ugly and told her her name is horrible to the point that I've caught DD stood Infront of a mirror and calling herself fat, nor does she now want to be called by her name and no amount of reassurance has changed her view of herself which is heartbreaking for me to watch.

F constantly tells her she can't play with the others and will boss them into ignoring DD and she won't let her anywhere near the best friend leaving DD in tears every morning and now it's a struggle to even get her to school.

I've caught F in the act a few times and told her to leave DD alone and she can't tell people what to do and she always stands there with the sad told off face but I'm not buying it, meanwhile mum is nowhere to be seen.

I've talked to their teacher who did the whole oh I've not noticed anything, I'll keep an eye out but again, I'm not buying it.

We've tried to teach DD to stand up for herself and she tries but it seems to spur F on.

Mum is very much my DD is perfect, she can do no wrong yet claims F suffers with anxiety so I know if I try to talk to her about it she will have her head in the clouds and be in denial that her poor perfect angel could do such a thing.

Aibu to just be blunt and tell her her dd is a nasty bully? I know they're only 6 and I'm sure my DD is no angel in the whole thing but it's got to the point my DH won't do the school run because it makes him so angry to watch, which I sympathize as this is how I feel, what do I do? I can't let this continue.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 18/11/2019 14:10

If the school is this bad, I'd move her.

Mymycherrypie · 18/11/2019 14:11

And you absolutely do not need to speak to the mother. This is what the anti bullying policy is for.

middlemuddle · 18/11/2019 14:12

Had the exact situation here and I told her eventually yes. Her daughter is being much better now. The breaking point for me is when the other girl tied DD to a fence with a skipping rope and covered her mouth to stop her screaming (they are 7).

middlemuddle · 18/11/2019 14:12

I did speak with the teachers repeatedly & write in an email about it before this though.

Considermesometimes · 18/11/2019 14:13

If this is an embedded systematic problems in the school, as you have described, you are never going to change it trust me. You are either going to have to escalate to the head now, and do what you can to salvage your dd's last year there assuming she is moving to the next school soon or move her.

No point to speak to the mother, she will just become defensive.

Ask your dd what she wants to do, if she wants to move that speaks volumes about how bad it is. I would look at other schools as a starting point and take it from there if you feel it is really affecting your dd.

Drabarni · 18/11/2019 14:13

You had no right to tell the child off, you need to speak to the school.
It's their job to sort it out, you'll look like the bully if you speak to the mum.
I've been to lots of schools where they advise against parents trying to sort these things out.
All you can do is teach dd to stand up for herself and to tell the teacher when it happens.
Role play helps in these situations, you be the girl and get dd to handle it.

bluebella4 · 18/11/2019 14:16

I would keep at the school to do something. You said its happened before with someone else- do you think anything will chance with your dd? Can you change schools?
What is the other mother doing about her DD anxiety because that doesn't give her permission to bully or be a little shit to other children.

middlemuddle · 18/11/2019 14:17

If you do do it, do it calmly and politely. Calling her dd a bully etc is going to get her back up instantly and wont make things any better for your child. I did it as politely as I could via text then we spoke in person too. But, we were adults about it and now hopefully its resolved.

TheOrigFV45 · 18/11/2019 14:18

Bitten down to the bone?! Surely that would need hospital treatment, which would kick start some sort of enquiry, no?

Have you been to he Governors?

needmoresleep1 · 18/11/2019 14:18

I would move schools but on the last day I'd tell the Mum EXACTLY what her daughter's like!!

JoObrien7 · 18/11/2019 14:21

I would talk to the mother because I would be horrified if one of my children was bullying another child. I find schools are useless in enforcing anti-bullying but you might get lucky.

Aaarrgghhh · 18/11/2019 14:22

Holy fuck, she’s had her finger bitten down to bone twice now? I’d have moved her to a different school long ago. At this point your basically sending her in to be hurt.

Billie87 · 18/11/2019 14:24

To be honest I’d have moved her by now. The school sounds absolutely awful.

Juicyfrooty · 18/11/2019 14:25

Hopefully your dd's school dont use 'restorative justice' absolutely horrible way to resolving bullying for the victim.

JoObrien7 · 18/11/2019 14:25

Contact the police if your daughter has been physically hurt and they will go to the school or even the mother to talk to her about their childs behavior

Cheeseandwin5 · 18/11/2019 14:27

I dont think its wise to tell this woman her daughter is a bully, cause this will rightly get her defensive. I would speak to the school, but if you want to speak to the mum, tell her you are worried about the situation between your kids.
Don't assign blame or innocence, just focus on getting the matter resolved without it getting worse.

howabout · 18/11/2019 14:28

Why is your DH standing there letting this upset him? Our playground is 50% Dads, a big change from my older DC 10 years ago when it was almost 100% Mums. It has had a massively positive impact because whereas 10 years ago the Mums were all bothered about playground politics a la Motherland the Dads in general only care about their own DC and act accordingly.

(I say this as a Mum whose DH never does the school run)

Pussinboots25 · 18/11/2019 14:33

If the school aren’t doing anything, talk to the girls mum. Chances are her mum would be mortified by her child’s behaviour, the same you would be if it was the other way round x

Bin85 · 18/11/2019 14:33

Get her out
Homeschool if you can
Move house
Anything to stop this but make sure it's reported in detail to the governors and Ofsted .

Ellie56 · 18/11/2019 14:33

No don't talk to the mum. If she thinks her DD is perfect it won't do any good.

Quite honestly in view of the impact this is having on your DD and if the school is so crap at dealing with bullying and behaviour issues, you would be better off cutting your losses and looking for a new school.

This girl sounds toxic and she is already affecting your DD's mental health and self esteem.Don't let it continue. DD needs to be removed from the situation asap before long term damage is done.

Poor little girl. Sad

FoamingAtTheUterus · 18/11/2019 14:36

You've got nothing to lose from being blunt with the mother.

My friend had an awful incident with her DD in the playhouse of all things. There's a full length mirror in there and a load of dress up stuff.......her dds bully got her to stand in front of the mirror and called her friends in to tell her how ugly she looked. It stopped when one little boy spoke up and said don't be horrible and lead my friends DD away but up until then all the other little girls had.just gone along with it. I can quite see how things like this can spiral.

Ellie56 · 18/11/2019 14:37

Sorry, that should say, "Don't let it continue."

Why is there no edit button on MN?

Groovinpeanut · 18/11/2019 14:38

The School sounds horrendous!
There's no way a child can thrive in such a hostile environment as you describe. I'd focus on moving your DD to a new school and leaving all of the hostility behind.
The child bullying is the kind who knows how to manipulate and hide her nastiness. She won't show her nasty side to anyone but her victims. Teachers won't catch her out. Move your DD, kids are at school far to long to be unhappy.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 18/11/2019 14:41

“Finger bitten down to the bone twice”

“Almost a broken eye socket”

And now a persistent bully problem.

Either your daughter goes to one of the worst, out of control schools in the country or you’re being a tad dramatic. Your DH definitely sounds of the dramatic persuasion.

Ask to speak to the head. If that gets you nowhere then speak to the Governors. Don’t cause any further drama by confronting the other child’s mother.

Chickenkatsu · 18/11/2019 14:51

You'd be surprised how much effect a bad review on google maps has.

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